Debates Simplified (Humor)greenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Al Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your rebuttal.
George Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Jim Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Governor Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
George Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Jim Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Al Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Jim Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Al Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush?
George Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Route 36 east of Abilene or ommit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Jim Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Al Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
George Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Jim Lehrer: Good night. --
-- It's (All@Fake.com), October 18, 2000
Certainly better than last night's debate.
Damn dude, that was hilarious!!
-- Deano (email@example.com), October 18, 2000.
That's funny! Thanks, Fake.
-- David L (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 18, 2000.
LOL, this was great!
-- (email@example.com), October 18, 2000.
-- firstname.lastname@example.org (@ .), October 18, 2000.
This WAS great. Thanks for the laughs.
-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), October 18, 2000.
Soooooooo funny, better than the Sat Nite live skits! Good work!
-- FactFinder (David@bzn.com), October 18, 2000.
I don't know if the originator of this post can take credit as it's author -- I've received multiple copies of it by email today. That said, however, I was sure someone would post it here, and am glad to see it.
And, it contains a powerful message for Gore. I agree 100% with the comment it contains that "The American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors."
Hey, it worked for Ronald Regan!
-- E.H. Porter (Just Wondering@about.it), October 18, 2000.