This useful public service is brought to you by the Wasteland Of Wonders. Many people have written to us asking "Dear Wasteland, When the Rapture comes, how should I behave?". The way we should behave in the afterlife is something rarely touched on in sermons, and so we commissioned a team of top theologians to ponder the issue. This list is the result of three months of strenuous contemplation.

Men - During your Rapturous ascent to Heaven, remember not to look up the skirt of any pretty girls above you.

Do not ask the Angelic Choir if they know any Black Sabbath.

Keep your cloud tidy. Baby Jesus likes nothing less than seeing a cloud littered with empty soda cans (no beer, remember?).

Keep your harp in tune at all times. Can you imagine the racket made by sixty billion off-key instruments?

Pointing and laughing at the sinners in Hell below is extremely bad manners, no matter how much they deserve it.

Hanging around the Pearly Gates to see the look on the faces of atheists, Hindus, Muslims etc. is frowned upon in polite circles. This folly can only be compounded if you also wear an "I told you so!" T-Shirt.

Replying to prayers in a loud, booming voice is the height of vulgarity.

If your murderer was Born Again whilst in jail, at least pretend to be polite if you should bump into him/her.

You should refrain from wearing your crucifix necklace - certain Important people have unpleasant memories about those things...

Use your Angelic Visitation Rights wisely, and not for such things as haunting castles, spooking people you didn't like, or "haunting" changing-rooms.

No, God will not tell you the Ultimate Answer now, so don't pester Him about it.

Also, Adam and Eve are requesting that people stop asking them about "the apple incident".

There is still no excuse for eating with your elbows on the table.

Don't even try to "know" someone (in the Biblical sense).

You may have been able to belch the alphabet on Earth, but nobody wants to hear it up here, thank you.

No pets.

No cameras.

We hope this has been useful.

-- Debra (Thisis@it.com), October 01, 2000

Answers

Any and all breaking the above rules shall have their harps confiscated and will be issued an accordian in it's place!!!

-- kl (sd@hy.lk), October 01, 2000.

Keep your cloud tidy. Baby Jesus likes nothing less than seeing a cloud littered with empty soda cans (no beer, remember?).

You are somewhat confused. Hell is the place with no beer.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), October 01, 2000.

"Keep your harp in tune at all times. Can you imagine the racket made by sixty billion off-key instruments? "

My daddy used to say, "There is no Hell, only Heaven with bagpipes"

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), October 01, 2000.

"During your Rapturous ascent to Heaven, remember not to look up the skirt of any pretty girls above you."

Huh?? I thought that is what Heaven was all about!

-- (saw.it.in@victorias.secret.ad), October 01, 2000.

Unk -- Episcopal hell is a restaurant with no wine list.

-- helen (b@q.m), October 01, 2000.

What a bunch of sacreligeous pigs!

Glad I'm not a christer :)

JOJ

-- jumpoff joe (jumpoff@echoweb.net), October 03, 2000.

After reading that list again I cannot imagine why anyone would want to end up in that place!

Hanging around the Pearly Gates to see the look on the faces of atheists, Hindus, Muslims etc. is frowned upon in polite circles. This folly can only be compounded if you also wear an "I told you so!" T-Shirt.

Sums up the worst about Christians very well.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), October 04, 2000.