This weeks horoscopesgreenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
This weeks horoscopes
Aries: (March 21--April 19) When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20) Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21) This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
Cancer: (June 22--July 22) You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22) Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22) You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23) The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21) You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21) ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19) People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18) You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20) To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.
-- Uncle Bob (email@example.com), September 26, 2000