I'm in between tasks so I've been revisiting old e-mails to find these. Enjoy.

Advertisements:

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

14. For sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.

15. Great dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

18. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

20. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

21. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.

22. Man, honest. Will take anything.

23. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

24. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

25. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

26. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

27. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

28. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

29. And now, the Superstore -- unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.

30. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), September 19, 2000

Answers

That's funny, Maria. Reminds me of when our vice principal, at the end of his announcement over the intercom, requested any classroom finding the message garbled to please buzz the office.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), September 19, 2000.

hahahahahahahaha -- thanks maria. Those were great!

-- (doomerstomper@usa.net), September 19, 2000.

12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

Wonder if they are related to the folks who put this sign in the window:

"Ears pierced while you wait."

(Probably the same store, if you think about it; there HAD to be someone who dropped them off and forgot.....)

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), September 19, 2000.

Patricia, too funny. The advertisements seek economy of words and obviously add a different spin on things.

My favorite: 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. I know my sick sense of humor.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), September 20, 2000.