Subject: Fw: Once a pun a time

1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

-- flora (***@__._), September 15, 2000

Answers

ROTFLMBO!! I love puns, flora, and these are great. I'll add one here:

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief a this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

Wait for it . . . It's worth it. . .

He's a dead ringer for his brother.

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), September 15, 2000.

I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

Take my wife;.........Please.

The grocery clerk asked if I needed help with my bag. I said no, she can walk.....

-- KoFE (Your@town.USA), September 15, 2000.

Man Found Dead In Bath Tub --------------------------- A local man was found murdered in his home over the 4th of July weekend.. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath tub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the deceased had a banana protruding from his butt. ......Police suspect a cereal killer

-- cpr (buytexas@swbell.net), September 15, 2000.

Johnny Cochran decided to go duck hunting in Texas. He is having a great
> time when suddenly a duck flies overhead. He fires a shot and drops the bird
> but it falls into a field on the other side of a fence. Johnny is climbing
> over the fence when an old farmer on tractor drives up and asks him what he
> thinks he is doing.
>
> Johnny says "I shot a duck and it fell into this field and now I'm going to
> get it."
>
> The old farmer replies, "This is my property and you are not coming over
> here."
>
> Johnny Cochran is indignant and says "Apparently you don't know who I am.
> I'm Johnny Cochran, the attorney who got OJ off in that murder trial. If you
> don't let me get that duck I will sue you and take everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiles and says "Apparently you don't know how we do things
> around here in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas
> Three Kick Rule."
>
> Johnny is surprised and says "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
>
> The Farmer says, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
> three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> Johnny quickly thinks about this and decides that since he is much younger
> and in far better condition and that he can easily win against this old
> codger. Johnny agrees. The old farmer slowly climbs down off the tractor and
> walks up to Johnny. His first kick plants the toe of his heavy work boot in
> Johnny's crotch and drops him. His second kick nearly wipes Johnny's nose
> off his face and blood goes everywhere. Johnny is flat on his belly. The
> farmer's third kick relocates Johnny's left kidney and Johnny writhing in
> pain for several minutes before he can stand. Summoning every bit of his
> will, Cochran manages to get to his feet and says, "OK you old coot, now
> it's
> my turn!!"
>
> The old farmer smiles and says "No, I give up...you can have the duck!"


-- cpr (buytexas@swbell.net), September 15, 2000.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!

All men are idiots....I married their king.


Honk If You Want To See My Finger



I can't attest to whether or not these really exist, but supposedly, these
are for-real bumper stickers:
     Dain bramaged
     Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
     Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
     Boldly going nowhere
     CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
     Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
     He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
     Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
     How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
     Axe me about Ebonics
     CATS The other white meat
     Don't be sexist - broads hate that
     I'm an imbecile and I vote
     Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
     If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
     Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
     WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
     Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ***?
     If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
     Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
     You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
     Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
     JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!
     You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
     Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
     Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
     Grow your own dope, plant a man
     All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
     Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
     I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
     WANTED Meaningful overnight relationship.
     BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore.
     I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
     Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
     All men are idiots....I married their king.
     The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
     IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
     Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
     Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
     Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
     Hang up and drive.
     Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
     I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
     Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
     It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
     We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
     Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
     Consciousness That annoying time between naps.
     Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
     Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
     Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
     Honk If You Want To See My Finger
           &nbs p;           &n bsp;               Click to email this item to a friend
           &nbs p;           &n bsp;                   http://www.langa.com/sendit2.htm

-- cpr (buytexas@swbell.net), September 15, 2000.

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one naturally, was known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

4. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

5. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

6. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

7. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified,they did so, thereby proving: That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

-- cpr (buytexas@swbell.net), September 15, 2000.

worth a chuckle. Thank youse, bunch of sick puppies.

-- Smile on my (Y2k@face.com), September 15, 2000.