You've got the Bette Midler guarantee of good taste here, since this is from her movie "Divine Madness."

There once was a rather conflicted young woman who was one hell of a stripper, but who would feel so guilty after each performance that she would rush off to confession. After one particularly lusty performance, she rushed to church so fast that she was not completely dressed. No blouse (in Midler's words, she ran down the street "tits to the wind").

She ran into the church, and a young whipper-snapper of a priest told her she couldn't come in that way. Well, she wasn't going to put up with that, so she stomped her foot and shouted "I have a divine right!"

The priest said "Your left isn't bad either, but you have to put something on your head."

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), September 14, 2000

Answers

Bette is so cool! Here's one sent to me thru email..thought is was pretty good.

Woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9- year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it." Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball mitt." The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$75.00" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$100.00" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

(ugh)

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), September 14, 2000.

A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".


Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.


"Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out they're assholes!!!



-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), September 14, 2000.

These are soooooo funny!

-- helen (looking@my.tears), September 14, 2000.