Hurricane Safety Tips...greenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:
Quickly find shelter atop the nearest roof, tree, or pier.
Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
At the first sign of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
At the exact center of a hurricane is an "eye" of utter tranquility. Use this safety zone as a launch window for your mission to rescue stranded astronaut Gene Hackman.
To protect yourself from the storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into a state of deep denial.
No matter how a bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your home.
Stay on top of the situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecast Team with live Doppler Radar.
Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous, even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of a hurricane.
Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
Save urine in jars.
To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
Before evacuating your home, coat walls and possessions with glue. Afterwards, everything will be blown into one easy-to-collect lump.
At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.
-- Uncle Bob (email@example.com), August 29, 2000
**Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die." **
-- cin (cin@=0).cin), August 29, 2000.
Uncle, that was truly sick. I once happened to evacuate, because all the experts told me to do so. Fools, all them, and I a fool, who followed their instruction. You should offer hope and inspiration, if there is any redemption in your soul,Your Call.
-- Church Fan (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 29, 2000.
Once upon a time a group of people convinced me to stock up on MRE's, ammo, batteries, etc, etc, etc...for an impending storm known as Y2K. I am now bitter and have made it my mission to persecute those responsible with lame, tasteless humor. There is no hope for me. There is no hope for you...
But I did like the one about Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
-- Uncle Bob (email@example.com), August 29, 2000.
Church Lady, lighten up. It's called humor. Laugh a little. Smile a little. Grin a little =)
-- cin (cin@=0).cin), August 30, 2000.
Her in Oz we do it like this:
At first warning of Hurricane head for dug out
Sit on bench, remove tin helmet from wall hook and place on head
Bend down whilst wearing helmet, place helmeted head between legs
Kiss youre arse goodbye!!!!
-- Scarlet Breasted (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 31, 2000.
Remember,it's not the odds, its the stakes.
-- Tarzan the Ape Man (email@example.com), August 31, 2000.