Gods Quality management program(Religion-Humor)greenspun.com : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your response will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God? ___ Newspaper ___ Other Book ___ Television ___ Divine Inspiration ___ Word of mouth ___ Near Death Experience ___ Tabloids ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Bible ___ Torah ___ who? ___ Other (specify:): _________________________
2. Which model God did you acquire? ___ Yahweh ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle ___ Jehovah ___ Jesus ___ Allah ___ Satan ___ God ___ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god. ___ Don't know what you're talking about.
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes: ___ Yes ___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed focus in whom to despise ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Hate to think for myself ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ Wanted to piss of parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Desperate need for certainty ___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally superior ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it. ___ Don't know
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ___ Odin ___ Othulhu ___ Zeus ___ The Almighty Dollar ___ Apollo ___ Left Wing Liberalism ___ The Radical Right ___ Ra ___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ The Great Spirit ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The Sun ___ Bill Clinton ___ Ronald Reagan ___ Cindy Crawford ___ The Moon ___ A burning cabbage ___ Drugs ___ Other: ___________________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. ___ Tarot ___ Lottery ___ Astrology ___ Television ___ Fortune cookies ___ Ann Landers ___ Psychic Friends Network ___ Dianetics ___ Palmistry ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl ___ Self-help Books ___ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll ___ Biorhythms ___ Alcohol ___ Bill Clinton ___ Tea leaves ___ EST ___ Mantras ___ Jimmy Swaggert ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) ___ Human Sacrifice ___ Pyramids ___ The Illuminati ___ Wandering around a desert ___ Insurance policies ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ Barney Fife ___ Other: __________________________ ___ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (Circle one):
a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right. d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 Flood 1 2 3 4 5 Famine 1 2 3 4 5 Earthwuake 1 2 3 4 5 War 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 Plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on number of beings entered).
-- john leake (email@example.com), August 25, 2000
John, the person who wrote this (obviously not knowing God themselves) left one possible answer off question 4: Met Jesus Christ and fell in love with Him.
-- Kathleen Sanderson (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 25, 2000.
Our Father which art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, and lead us not into temptation, but deliever us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever, Amen Matthew 6:9
-- Cindy In KY (email@example.com), August 25, 2000.
John, Thanks for the smile. This one goes in the binder.
-- Jay Blair (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 25, 2000.
Thanks for the laughs John!! I know the religious zealots won't find this funny. I'm happy we're living in a country where we have some separation of church and state. I'm sure you know the supreme court recently found it to be wrong and hence illegal for anyone to lead a prayer over the P.A. system at public school functions. Many principals here in my home state of SC have vowed to defy that law as high school football season starts tonight. I wonder sometimes just how far we have progressed from hanging "witches" in Salem. May we have a moment of silence to honor those innocent people slaughtered by the Christians?
-- Jim (email@example.com), August 25, 2000.
Thanks, John. I find this LOL funny.
-- Rachel (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 25, 2000.
Glib, somewhat humorous in a patently ignorant way. Commonplace rejection of the pleadings of the Spirit.
-- charles (email@example.com), August 25, 2000.
This is humor---nothing more. If God didn't have a sense of humor we all would be in deep Doo-doo so lighten up folks.
-- john leake (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 26, 2000.