I have been in a relationship for over two years now and we are supposed to be getting married later this year. I have realised that I absolutely cannot stay in this relationship, due in it's largest part, because of the way my "signifcant other" (SO) treats my child from my first marriage. My SO does not see what they do no matter how much we speak of it. I know that I can't change other people, so I dont try. My SO asks me what I think, I give the honest answer, they get pissed. I cannot stay in this anymore. But the tricky part is I am very bad with confrontation. Please help!!!

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Answers

I was in a similar situation a year and a half ago, except there were no children involved.

I wouldn't say that I hate confrontation in general, but I've always been horrible at telling someone I want to end a relationship.

I went through so many months of unhappiness because I was scared to end the relationship. I finally sat down with my SO one night and just told him, I'm moving out because I cannot continue to be in a relationship with you. He was very upset, but shortly after I told him about my decision, I left to stay with a friend for a while. I didn't want to get into a screaming match with him. If you think your SO's reaction will be one of anger, I recommend making a quick exit until that person has had some time to cool down.

Confronting your SO will definitely be hard and I'm sure you will feel some relief after that, but, at least in my case, it's was just as difficult afterward to sort through belongings etc to divide them up. My SO suddenly became petty and greedy, justifying that he could take whatever he wanted from our things because they obviously meant more to him. Don't put up with that jazz.

I spent about a year being completely unhappy with my SO. I feel so silly now for not saying something sooner and it's a mistake I have not repeated.

Good luck to you, emdee! Get out while you can!

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

It would seem that since you are primarily concerned about your child and the way your partner treats that child, that you ought be more than capable of telling this person to take a hike. Why waffle? Why worry? This is your child, for pete's sake. There shouldn't even be a question - your kid comes first. End of story.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

Indeed, as Gabby said, if this is about the way that this person treats your child, there should be absolutely no question. In fact, I'd wonder why you let it get to this point, but that's just me.

And thus concludes the Dr. Laura moment of the day.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

To clarify: My SO is not abusive to my daughter, it is the cumulation of discussions that has me worried. My SO wants children together. I have recently become fearful that my own daughter will not be treated as equal. My SO also expects me to raise my daughter (who lives with my ex) based on values they hold, rather than mine and my daughter's mother. I guess I stayed in so long because this was such a gradual build up. There are (many) other issues, but my daughter is certainly BY FAR my biggest concern.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

emdee --- A few times now, you have referred to your SO as "they." I'm confused! Are other people involved in this besides your SO?

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

"They" refers to my SO. I am trying to keep this post as gender neutral as possible. So "they" is used for lack of a better word. There are no other individuals involved.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

emdee:

I'll totally avoid confrontation whenver possible - I can't even bear to watch confrontations on TV. That said, sometimes, as much as you don't want to, you have to suck it up and break it off. If you don't intend to marry your SO, you need to end it as soon as possible, for your SO's sake as well as the sake of yourself and your child.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

For sheer dramatic effect, I've always favored the "pack up all my stuff and just move out one day while they're at work, then discuss it later" plan. However, that may not be feasible with a small child. :-)

Just be decisive. It's hard, but if there's no choice, and absolutely no room for the SO to work their way back into your life, don't try to soften the blow and don't be ambiguous. Be sure that once you break up the move-out is completed quickly and efficiently.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000