Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. (Please don't read if you're easily offended. I don't want to offend anybody.)greenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure...
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK ( Used in conjunction with escapee )
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( PFN )
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE ( Fred Astaire )
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
-- (Netsc@pe 6.0), August 07, 2000
I posted this here accidentally and I'm sorry I interrupted your forum. I read here occasionally and wasn't paying attention which forum I was in. Please forgive me if I offended anyone. I'll just sneak out the back door now.
-- (Netsc@pe 6.0), August 07, 2000.
You're not interrupting the forum. Feel free to post here. I thought it was funny.
-- (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 07, 2000.
I thought it was funny, as well. However, I must wonder at what forum this was intended. Please tell me there isn't a poop forum.
-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), August 07, 2000.
Of course there is a "poop forum". They troll here all the time from:
-- Guess Whoo (guesswhoo@HawkHunters.com), August 07, 2000.
Hilarious! Though I probably shouldn't have read it AT work, where several people had to come over to find out just WHAT was so funny.
Great way to start a week, though (and sage advice for some).
-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), August 07, 2000.
Thanks for the warm welcome, but I don't really want to hang around too much. I'd like to make up for my toilet humor though and leave you with a gift that I hope will stop some of the fighting that goes on in this forum:
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air.
You name them Work - Family - Health -Friends - Spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass.
If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or ever shattered. They will never be the same.
You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?
1. Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
2. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
4. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
5. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.
7. Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
8. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
9. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.
10. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
11. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
12. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift and that's why we call it, "The Present."
-- (Netsc@pe 6.0), August 07, 2000.
What about a fart in church?
-- (email@example.com), August 07, 2000.
Why poop at work when you can shit in the woods?
-- Whatever (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 07, 2000.
Netscape, I liked the first one better.
-- semper paratus (email@example.com), August 07, 2000.