I'm sure I've muttered one or two of these under my breath before...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), July 14, 2000

Answers

You know, I used to think #s 19 and 35 were simply inherent to NYC as far as my presence was concerned.

Alas, those have followed me 2500+ miles away.....

These are great and I've muttered more than a few myself (#28 most often...).

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), July 14, 2000.

Deano: You are a RIOT!!! printed them out, delivering them to my boss shortly!!!!

Thanks for the smile......IF I could 'meet' any of ya's I do believe, Capn fun, anita, you, and Ra and unc dee dah and cin and pat would be da bomb

Have a great day

---sumer

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), July 14, 2000.

Aww, Sumer, now I DO feel left out ..

-- Oxy (Oxsys@aol.com), July 14, 2000.

Patricia:

Sometimes I think you and I lived parallel lives growing up. Geez...the stories I could tell about the weirdos I attracted. It's probably not as uncommon as we think, as I hear lots of stuff from my girls that fit the bill.

I stopped wearing perfume. I just didn't KNOW for sure. I mean...do you think those folks wearing the stuff that throws us to the ground in disgust wear it for that purpose? I don't think so. I think they think it smells good. I thought mine did, too. In MY case, I ALSO considered the conflict between the wonderful aroma emanating from SO's cologne and my own. Hmmm...I haven't noticed that aroma in a few years. Geez...bum knees and no wonderful aroma. I don't know...do you think I oughta sue for breach of mental contract? Maybe it's time to start charging for something.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), July 14, 2000.

Anita, I think you're right about the parallel lives. It's a little eerie sometimes. I only wear a scent if I'm going out somewhere (and not even all the time) and then you can only smell it if you're close enough (wink, wink).

As to being "flypaper", a few years back I was chatting with a colleague in the office. We were talking about relationships and I told him that if there was a psycho within a mile, somehow he'd find me. I added that it wasn't only in "relationships", it would "just happen". Needless to say, he thought I was exaggerating.

Later that same day, we went out to lunch and stopped in front of our building for a few minutes before heading back upstairs. This looney-toon comes waltzing (almost literally) up to us, gets right in my face, and as LOUD as he possibly can, screams, "MY GOD YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!! I LOVE YOU!!!".

I simply looked over at my friend and said, "Do you believe me NOW?" He just kind of shook his head as he walked into the building.

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), July 14, 2000.

ROFL to Deano (will use #1 Monday) and to Patricia's story.

-- FactFinder (FactFinder@bzn.com), July 14, 2000.

Oh good, more for my collection!

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by... I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day... Tomorrow's not looking good either.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with brie.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

Never argue with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig will love it.

In politics, scum tends to rise to the top.

-- Dilbert (the@cube.man), July 14, 2000.

Awe thanks sumer that was sweet.

I'm still searching for that bumper sticker...places to go, people to annoy. too funny =)

-- cin (cin@cin.cin), July 14, 2000.

This job is only a test - had it been a real job, you would have recieved raises, benefits, promotions and other tokens of appreciation.

-- Butt Nugget (catsbutt@umailme.com), July 15, 2000.

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to your co-workers and ask them to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh youve got to be faster than that.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

-- Debra (...@....), July 15, 2000.

LOL Debra. As I was reading those, I pictured Jim Carey doing every single one of them on a regular basis.

-- cin (cin@cin.cin), July 15, 2000.

I use this one when they try the ole back slap to get you to ADD to your job description

"Don't kid yourself -- I'm only here for the money"

works like a charm

-- (doomerstomper@usa.net), July 15, 2000.

hopefullyoff

-- (sorry@aboutthat.com), July 15, 2000.

Glad yall enjoyed these. With the wife in merry ol' England last week I was getting a bit sarcastic toward the end of the week. I've heard I may have screamed a couple of them and not just muttered them under my breath!

Sure am glad my woman is home now........YOWZA!!

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), July 17, 2000.

Also, for those wishing to be idiot-free in the workplace.......

break out into sudden, terrifying maniacal laughter, within earshot of pesky co-workers. When you've got their attention, just stop and in all seriousness explain that you have a strange sort of humor. Make your eyes as wide as possible. They'll probably leave you alone and spare you their idiocy, at least for a while.

-- Morgan (aaf96@aol.com), July 17, 2000.