A friend told me a story, but prefaced it with, "Don't get disgusted, but..." I told her it takes a LOT to gross me out. What's the most disgusting, gross story you've ever heard?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Answers

Here's my answer: I've told this story in a site other than this, but it deserves repeating...
I used to have lunch with a co-worker several times a week. One day, I noticed that she or her office or her car REEKED. It was a nasty fishy unclean smell. The smell was there for many days. A couple of weeks after the smell first appeared, she came over and told me that she had gone to the gynecologist, and he pulled a month old tampon out of her. Nasty business.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I knew a guy who was going down on a girl and she farted a nasty shit-smelling fart, right in his face! Eeeeeeewwwww! Strangely enough, he still kept eating her out! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Erika, I can't believe you started this thread because you are still thinking about the gross story that I told you last week!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Nicole, maybe a lot of people tell me stories about sticking frankfurters in funny places! Frankfurters, ha!

Sukster, I think I know that guy!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Ok so it wasn't a story told to me, but I did read about it. The "it" is the story about the woman who masturbated with a lobster and the next day she had "given birth" to mud shrimp b/c the lobster crapped them out into her vagina. Thats pretty gross. Too bad she died from it, in a sense.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Spooky, check your Urban Legends at the door, please.
Look Here

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Though I must admit, that one grossed me out at first, as well.
I git a kick out of telling that one to my mom after a big seafood dinner.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Yeah Erika, remember when you emailed me that story about the lobster woman and I had to tell you it was an Urban Legend? I thought you did.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

And then you emailed me one of those GAP messages from the president of the company that said a magic coupon would pop-up if you sent it to a million people, and I debunked that one for you?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Someone actually told me the story about the woman who made her dog lick peanut butter off her minge as if it was about one of their co-workers. And then my friend Jen told me that the woman went to the gynecologist the next week cuz she had killer itching and there were like 10,000 maggots in her.

Time for pisketti.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

A girl I knew caught her dog licking peanut butter off her mom. She didn't put the peanut butter in her cootch, more like her breasts and upper torso. Her dog's name was Cinnamon, so we would always sing "Cinnamon Girl" to drive the girl nuts.

Hey, if she wasn't drunk and told us about her mom in the first place, we never would have made fun of her in the first place.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Ok, so maybe the lobster thing is false, but still the idea of it is sickening. Thanks Erika for posting that link, I've seen that story around many times, but I've never seen something questioning if it's true or not.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I gotta agree...the lobster thing REALLY grossed me out the first time I read it..and I'm not easily grossed out...although, it is probably just a story...

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Okay, here's a true gross story, I know because I was there to witness it. A friend of mine was snacking out of a box of some fancy/shmancy mixed nuts. She kept offering me some, and I'm like, no, I don't like nuts, thanks. So she polishes off the entire box by herself, then starts licking the salty crumbs off the bottom. All of a sudden she starts freaking out. She realized that what she was licking off the bottom was dead bug skins. I'm ashamed to say it, but I almost died laughing. Isn't that awful?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Nicole, thanks for reminding me what a great song the Stone Roses' Sally Cinnamon is. I don't think I'll hear it the same way ever again, though...

OH, here's something that happened to my ex-bf (it was probably not a good sign for our relationship that I was so happy when he told me about this): His mum had decided to use his toothbrush to clean the bathtub, toilet and the spaces in between the bathrooom tile. She put it on the sink when she was done and went off to get him a new toothbrush (she keeps them around the house). But she got distracted...by the dog or something (just kidding -- I don't know) and forgot all about it. Anyway, Paul went to brush his teeth and used the nasty toothbrush! HAHAHAHA! He called me and told me about it and was so pissed off (I would be too), but I thought it was hilarious. If anyone deserves that, it's him.

And me, though I hope my luck is a bit better...

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

My younger sister is pregnant, and seems to be trying to deliberately stop me from ever reproducing by telling me all the grossest things she can think off. The three months of morning sicknesses stories were fairly bad, but the one about leaky nipples the other day nearly made me physically ill. She's promised all the gory birth details, at which point I'll run to Harley Street to have my tubes tied.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Ewwwww! Nothing grosser than a pregnant woman!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Why are pregnant women gross?

Since I have kids, nothing really grosses me out. But seeing other kid's dirty diapers, snotty noses, etc. will.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Gee, Shelly, didn't you know that natural pregnant body functions should not be seen by others, much less be talked about? Us women who haven't had kids want to be totally surprised by what our bodies do when we have a baby growing inside of us, and in turn totally disgust other women.

It's the circle of life.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Nicole, you are correct. I forgot about all the people I grossed out while pregnant. Especially my husband. He couldn't stand the fact that my boobs tripled in size.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Big Boobs - eeeeewwwww!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

I have to say, though, I think my mother put me off pregnancy for a long time when she told me -- when I was six years old -- about episiotomies (spelling is fucked, I know.) But then again, maybe that was her intent...

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

This is REALLY gross. Erika, you asked, but I'm warning you. My brother is an ER nurse and, I don't know WHERE he gets these, but he sends me the grossest medical pictures. It is a payback from when he HATED blood and I was a Med. Technologist. When he'd come to visit me at work, I'd chase him around with body parts. (No biggie, all in a days work). Now he is very use to blood, but hates it when people bleed in his shoes. No, this isn't the gross stuff. I'll tell you the funniest first, it's not a medical one. It is a smiling mom baking a batch of Pillsbury Dough men. There is one in the oven banging on the door. Anyway, the medical pictures are animals with people inside (both dead of course) and some tug-of-war victims who thought they'd get a better grip if they wrapped the rope around their left upper arm (I don't know if the reattachments worked). The grossest winner though is called "face peel". Stop now if you don't want to hear about it. Email me if you want to see any of this. (Obviously, some of us get a kick out of being grossed out, thus this thread). OK, warning again. Stop, stop, stop. OK, here goes. It is a picture of a guy who did a lot of PCP. Still can get out of this-here it comes--He took a broken pop bottle and cut his face off and feed it to his dog. They were able to retrive some of his face out of the dog. The picture is before reconstructive surgery. I have a personal gross story, but I can't even think about it 'cause it really makes me feel like puking (and the above didn't? Well, I guess we all have tolerance for different things).

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Barb, no photos necessary. That does sound a little gross, but since you started it off with "a guy who did a lot of PCP...", I knew to expect ickiness. PCP, broken bottles and pets = bad news.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Oops, I mean Vicki. So sorry!!!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Jackie, that's why the invented the epidural. You won't feel a damn thing!

Nicole, even grosser...breastfeeding! It should be banned!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Shelly, I am going to be all about the epidural, should the day ever come. I guess that was off-topic, though, as I don't find the thought of episiotomies so much gross as just really fucking painful.

Anyway, whenever I'm vacuuming my conservatory and there are tiny potato bug-type dead bodies along the bottom of the door, I always think how gross it would be to have to eat the contents of my vacuum cleaner bag.

I'm so on my way to throw up, now.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

No, the gross thing is the dirty old male OBs who do the (unnecessary) episiotomies. Fuckers!

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

And are you serious about breastfeeding being gross? Huh. Well, it takes all kinds, I guess.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

Pearl, I think she was being sarcastic.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

Oh. Sorry. :/ Was that obvious, or do you just all know each well enough to know that? Were y'all joking about the epidurals too?

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

epidurals no, breastfeeding yes.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

uhh..I hit submit too soon, so to answer your question Pearl...Gwen and I know each other. And while I have never met Nicole, I've known her for a few years from other boards. My joke about breastfeeding was because there have been people on other boards who really came down on it. I was making light of pregnancy is gross.

I tried breastfeeding with my first and did not breastfeed my second. I have nothing against breastfeeding and admire those that are able to do it. It just wasn't for me. As far as epidurals are concerned, they rank right up there with air conditioning.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2000

At the risk of becoming the most unpopular person on this board, I still feel compelled to point out that while epidurals can make your life heaven on earth, there are risks involved that can make your life hell on earth. Not trying to, like, proselytize or anything, but what if someone were to read this thread and think, oh my god, epidurals are nothing less than god's gift to womankind, I would be an idiot not to have one! This is the sort of thing that makes my stomach hurt at 2:00 in the morning when I should be sleeping...

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Speaking of disgusting things... the smell of formula makes me want to puke HARD. Look, they can make dieting drinks and body-builder supplement shakes smell relatively normal, you'd think they could come up with formula that doesn't smell like rotting garbage?

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

(Slightly off-topic, but disgusting):

My mom e-mailed a cookie recipe to me this morning. The cookies are designed to look like cat poop and are served out of a kitty litter pan. It includes a list of suggested "mix-ins" such as coconut (to imitate tapeworms) and ramen noodles (to imitate roundworms).

This recipe was in response to one I sent *her*, for a cake that looks like a pan of kitty litter, complete with poopies made of miniature Tootsie Rolls. You serve the cake from a kitty litter pan, with a pooper scooper. The recipe specifies using a *new* pan and scoop. (I'm a little disturbed that they felt they had to specify that these items must be new.)

These are quite possibly two of the most disgusting food items I've ever run across. And I include blue marshmallow Peeps in that assessment. Even so, I peed myself laughing at the things.

We're a strange family. (NO, we HAVEN'T tried the recipes. We're strange, but we have our limits.)

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Pearl, I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a sec. Are you worried about people coming to my forum and deciding to start smoking marijuana because of the legalization topic you started?

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Gwen, I hope I'm not tromping on your previous post, I just want to make TraceyB aware that her post was way ON topic. Tracey, that does sound gross, and if you wouldn't mind forwarding those recipes to my e-mail address, I'd appreciate it. When I get around to baking them, I'll tell you how they taste!

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Well, if some Rasta dude came on here and said, oh, "marijuana saved my life, everybody should smoke, then we'd have a different world," I'd be like, "um, yeah, BUT"..... as would everyone. And I don't think anyone would worry about the fact that we were harshing his mellow. I guess that's because smoking marijuana is still largely taboo, so it's okay to point out the risks involved.

But I understand that's not the point you were making: nobody here said that epidurals are going to save the world, so basically I had no business butting in in the first place. And you're right. My apologies.

But, honestly, I didn't say it to be all smarty-pants or self-righteous, I said it because I know that most people really are not aware of the risks, and that really does make my stomach hurt. I wouldn't presume to think I could/should educate *y'all*, which is why I threw that in there about someone else coming to the forum, etc. -- and also because the more things are repeated, the more they seep into our universal consciousness, like urban myths.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

This might just be how things are in Texas, but you're required to read (and be read) a lengthy document about all the possible side effects of an epidural before you can sign it and give consent to have one. And if you're squirming too much when they try to put in the needle, they won't give you one.

I had epidurals with all three kids because my labor was induced with all three kids. (Yeah, so sue me. I'm not the most natural earth mother.) The third time I was squirming a lot and the needle nicked a nerve in my spinal column. It caused me to have headaches when I stood up the next day. The anaesthesiologist (fuck if I can spell that) just came in and did a "patch", which was way easy since I wasn't writhing in pain. And then I was all cured.

I can't imagine having a ten-pound baby without an epidural. I mean, granted, it might have hurt me less if I hadn't been given pitocin to begin with -- but still.

If I'm willing to cut people slack on their choices regarding pot and antidepressants, I figure they can do the same for me with the epidurals.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

I didn't know that about Texas, Gwen. But my kids were born in San Francisco, so maybe each state is different because I know I didn't have to read anything. As soon as I walked into the hospital, I requested one. If someone doesn't want an epidural, fine. It's your choice. And besides, as soon as it wore off I had enough pain thankyouvermuch. Damn Vicadin (sp?) didn't do a damn thing. And I still think they rank up there with a/c.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

When I had my baby my doctor had told me about the pros and cons epidurals before I went into labor, so I was well prepared when I screamed at the nurse for drugs.

People always tell me that my hair is going to fall out if I keep bleaching it, or that my feet are going to be all screwed up if I keep wearing my high heeled shoes. I don't know why people need to give me their opinions when I didn't ask for it, especially when it doesn't concern them in the first place.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Gee, I'll add my birthing horror story. And for anyone who would let this dissuade them from having a kid, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I had an emergency C-section. The spinal didn't work so well. Spinals work differently than epidurals, it's a one shot deal. Finally, after 40 minutes of the OB glaring at the anesthesiologist, because I was trying to crawl off the table and telling him to stop, the anesthesiologist hit me up with morphine. He came in the next day and apologied for my "discomfort". Good thing he didn't get close 'cause I would of reached out and demonstrated what "discomfort" was. If I had ever had any more kids and wasn't able to do a VBAC, I decided that after the baby was out, the Dr. better knock me out.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

The kitty litter cookies are from an old regular on the alt.folklore.urban newsgroup called little gator. (Think her real name was Susan Mudgett). They're supposedly edible and tasty, but, er, no thanks.

The PCP/feeding his face to a dog story is straight out of _Hannibal_. Hannibal Lechter and another sicko compare notes one day and try to top each other. So the guy shows off these two dogs he has sick plans for (they were friendly, so he put them in a cage together without feeding either one, just to see if they'd turn on each other, which they had not) and then indulges in a little showy erotomania, Lechter offers him a popper, but it is really a blend of PCP, acid, etc, and then kicks the mirror the guy was hanging in front of, hands him a shard of the glass and suggests that the guy feed his face to the two dogs. Which he did, and he survived, horrible disfigured, and full of fantasies of revenge. Not saying your story isn't true, but it seems like Thomas Harris either got the idea from the original incident, vice versa, or it was a story that someone attributed to a real life event that didn't actually happen. (BTW, _Hannibal_ the book SUCKS.)

Warning--little grosses me out. I have a younger brother and worked in a hospital as a research librarian. So when I say these are gross stories, I'm not kidding. I could not be a doctor.

Again: do NOT eat while reading these.

Gross stories: working in a medical library, you do see a lot of nasty things. I worked primarily in the ophthalmology library, which was sad for me, as I am squicked out by eyeballs (and the tendons of the back of hands, ew). They held wet lab (they dissect cow and sheep eyeballs) in my library on the tables, and the first time they had a wet lab after I started there, I came in to work whistling a happy tune, suspecting nothing, went to throw away a paper cup and --EEEE!-- my trash can was looking back at me. Some lazy sonuvagun had not discarded the used eyeballs into a biohazard container, but had just tipped them into the wastebasket. I raised holy hell.

Cycloplegia is one of the worst birth defects I've ever seen, as it involves hydrocephalic babies who have only one eye socket with two irises and two pupils or a fused set of irises and pupils. Needless to say, these children don't survive. One of my doctors specialized in genetic disorders, and I can only imagine that she had to deal with a case of cycloplegia personally.

You'd think pediatric ophthalmology would be all lollipops and eye charts with pictures instead of letters and numbers and wee little glasses...but no. There was a low-I.Q. boy with behavioral difficulties and bad eyesight who was driving his mother crazy because he was intent on enuculating his eye. I.e., he was trying to pull it out, because it was itchy and dry due to his eye condition, and had partially succeeded a few times. I think he had it dangling by nothing more than the optic nerve and was rushed to surgery where they eased it back where it belonged. In response to this issue, his doctor asked me to look up articles about enucleation, which I did. Most people who remove their own eyes are mentally ill and hyper- religious--if your eye offends you, pluck it out, etc. One woman used eight different common kitchen implements to remove her eye and, to my joy and delight (not), the bloody corkscrew, butcher knife, can opener, etc. were proudly displayed next to what was left of her eye, which still had a long gobbet of optic nerve attached. I was ill off that for months. I still shudder.

There was also the woman who applied cocaine topically to her eyeball, and over time it dried out and looked like nothing I can describe. Maybe a spool of grey flaky thread sitting in a saucer. Nasty. How can you continue to do that to yourself when you know you're doing damage? It wasn't an overnight thing.

Saw the results of vitamin A deprivation. Similar to the above.

Worst thing ever (besides various forensic reports I was obliged to photocopy--I see dead people!) would be the guinea worm victims. I believe it is isolated to parts of Africa, but it has been 7 years since I read the reports. You can contract guinea worm by drinking water with juvenile (larval?) forms of the worm in it. They are big enough to be sifted out by putting cheesecloth over a container, or you can boil your water before drinking it, but hundreds of people contract guinea worms regardless. The worms get to be 3 to 5 inches in circumference and amazingly long. They wrap themselves around your innards and when they are mature, they attempt to break through the outer layer of skin, which is highly disfiguring, painful, and slow. Sometimes they change direction and burrow the wrong way, so you have to wait for them to try and surface again elsewhere...meanwhile you have huge worm lumps left on you. You can't yank the things out, you can't kill them, you have to just let it make its way out of your body. People in the medical journal article had huge Polish-sausage- sized bulges all along their arms, faces, torsos, legs, etc. Truly grotesque.

There's more, including the one about the day my brother drank sewer water full of tadpoles out of a Coca-Cola bottle and a real-life roach story that gave me a phobia of the things...but this is enough for now.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

P.S. That may have been too harsh a bunch of tales to lay on you guys and I'm sorry. I say that because my coworker just poked her head around the corner and I was eating my lunch, which was fried tofu squares and soy sauce. She procalimed that to be 'the grossest thing ever', so, er, either she's very sheltered or I was a little too forthcoming. I didn't mean to raise the bar so high. If just the sight of my tasty lunch can squick people out, I perhaps should have been more sensitive despite the topic question. :(

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

kind of o/t, but...

Milla, I got bored and did a google search for guinea worms. For some reason, I felt like getting grossed out or something. Anyway, I came across this page, which is apparently the only pro-guinea worm foundation in existence. I really, really want to think it's a joke.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Suki, You go ahead and bleach that hair and wear those pumps. It hurts to be beautiful, as one of the other Topics says. Did you get my e-mail?

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Emily: it's got to be a joke. I'm guessing that the web design was done by someone who heard of it only because Bill Gates got involved and gave over $28 million towards efforts to eradicate the worm. http://www.seattleinsider.com/living/health/2000/05/16gatesworm.html

FAQ: http://www.astdhpphe.org/infect/guinea.html

Disgusting pictures: http://math.smith.edu/~sawlab/fgn/pnb/dracmed.html

More on guinea worms here, but (hopefully) no disgusting pictures. http://math.smith.edu/~sawlab/fgn/pnb/dracmed.html

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Okay, you're getting all snotty because apparently to question a medical procedure means to judge the people who have it for not being earth mothers. *sigh* You know, if I'd been pumped with the laboring mother's drug from hell, pitocin, I would have had an epidural too, regardless of the risks. It wasn't a judgement, okay? And I don't suppose any of you caught my apology, since you're still going on indignantly. Or did I not apologize for the right thing? Geez Louise.

As for being "informed", I've never met anyone who had an epidural who could tell me what the risks are. When you're in labor is not the best time to be asked to digest that information, but that's usually when they get you to sign the paper. Makes no sense to me. Of course, I understand that y'all are highly intelligent people that are not vulernable in such situations. (No sarcasm intended.)

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Hey, Suki, it wasn't an "opinion", and if it makes you feel better, I wasn't talking to you, 'kay?

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Pearl - Please take a deep breath and breathe from the diaphragm. One two three exhale two three.

Everyone feel better now?

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I aint no message board genius, pearl, but I believe if you're posting here, you're talking to everyone who posts and lurks here.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Um, pearl, I wasn't getting "snotty". I was sharing my experience.

If my normal posting style comes across as snotty to you, maybe this isn't the forum for you. I welcome your posts and ideas if you care to continue sharing them, but at the same time I advise that you make sure you can read this forum without becoming unnecessarily annoyed. If the forum moderator herself seems "snotty" and too far from your personal ideal, you might want to save yourself the hassle of participating, right?

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

First off, when I was talking about people giving me their opinions I wasn't talking to you, Pearl - did you see your name in my post? Not everything is about you. Kelly Taylor Syndrome, much?

And second, I am now quoting you: "*sigh* You know, if I'd been pumped with the laboring mother's drug from hell, pitocin, I would have had an epidural too, regardless of the risks. It wasn't a judgement, okay?" If calling Pitocin the laboring mother's drug from hell isn't a judgement, I don't know what is.

You seem to think that "informing" others of you "earth mother" ways are okay, but god forbid we don't appreciate what you feel the need to tell us and now you are being the martyr. Get off your cross, we can use the wood.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Yes, real story Milla, my brother got it from some medical journal, picture and all. But I think parasitology definitly is the grossist thing. I heard lots of gross worm stories when I was a Med. Technologist. I stuck mainly with Chemistry and Hematology, so I didn't have to deal with that stuff.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Milla, sweetie, how do you sleep at night?! Your post was truly gross and way more interesting than childbirth. I am shivering with appreciative disgust!

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

what Jill said! DAMN, Milla, and, as one of my bestest friends, you've told me gross tales before (I am, unfortunately, privy to the cucaracha story ;) )-- but those were REALLY squickifying.

Good job!! *snicker*

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Do you REALLY think they want to hear the cockroach stories, Kel? :) I'm phobic of roaches to the point where I'm barely functional if I see one and I have no doubt that those stories/experiences were partially to blame.

Gross stories here and the same disclaimers as above apply. Do not eat while you read this or right after.

Story 1: Lived in a hot, muggy climate where summers get over 110oF regularly. Every summer, despite campaigns to distribute fans, etc., people die and it can be directly blamed on the heat. Usually the deceased are elderly folks with no living relatives, and frequently they are found by neighbors who eventually notice they haven't seen Sweet Mrs. Oldlady for a while.

I read a newspaper article when I was about 4 or 5--and I read early and often, including "happy ads" (lordy, lordy, look who's forty) and police reports and obituaries. So I was reading the paper and another elderly woman had gone to meet her maker, and they shared with us the following details. 1. She was not found for at least, they estimated, a week. Neighbors complained about a dead animal in the wall. It wasn't an animal and it wasn't in the wall. 2. They also estimated that she'd been so heat sick that she was bed-bound for about ten days. 3. The roaches had not waited around for three of those days, so that poor woman had been a bug buffet before she died.

If I still had nightmares, I'd definitely have ones about that.

Story 2: If the above wasn't bad enough, we have flying roaches. They try to make them sound cuter by calling them Palmetto bugs. They are anywhere from an inch to three inches long (about the length of your thumb and about as wide). They are so big they buzz when they flap by or fly directly at you. They can live for half a month on nothing more than the glue off the back of one old-fashioned postage stamp. They can squeeze through cracks that a bobbypin is too big to fit under. They are vile. The worst sound in the world is the scuttling/rustling/stealthy sound one will make as it skulks around your house waiting to leap out at you and BITE you. And they do bite. Case in point: was sleeping with window open and fan on during one of those aforementioned hot summers because our A/C was out. Was naked, had sheet thrown over myself, was asleep...but awakened to what felt like someone jabbing a pin in my big toe. Then I felt something move around. Was groggy but inspected, immediately panicked because my foot had worked its way out from under the sheet and it looked like a roach was biting my toe. I nearly had a heart attack. I kicked reflexively and the thing flew into the fan and spun around like a dime in a washing machine for a few minutes. Flicked on bedside light and sure enough, that was exactly what it was, and the fan didn't kill it. Nor did a heavy book I threw at it, or a shoe. I had to throw on a robe and get a can of hairspray and spray it into submission before putting on a tennis shoe and crushing it to death, which is just about the worst sound in the universe. The carpet is still stiff there. Anyone who tries to tell you they don't bite and are more scared of you than you are of them, well, that's bullshit.

Story 3: Was watching Yellow Submarine and Jacques Cousteau special upstairs by flipping back and forth on a TV in my mom's room. Mother was downstairs doing spring cleaning. Was distracted from Cousteau and cartoon Beatles by my mother making a strange noise loud enough that I heard it upstairs. Worried, went to investigate, and as I was heading downstairs, it sounded like my mother was sucking up dried beans with the vaccuum cleaner and she was making more odd noises. Once in the kitchen, the problem was revealed. Our neighbors were filthy (this was in an apartment complex with lots of oak trees and wood siding, too) and apparently some German cockroaches had crawled through huge gaps in the walls dividing our kitchen cabinets and pipes from our neighbors' and had settled happily in a fondue pot, still in its original box, that was part of a fondue set my parents had received for a wedding gift years earlier. My mom had put a crumple of newspaper in it when we moved, just to pad it further, and the roaches had NESTED in there. When she moved it to clean, she dropped it, the lid came off and a FLOOD of the nasty fuckers came out. Which is why we were both standing on top of chairs panicking (we're not big screamers, we just gasp a lot). I've never seen more bugs in one place in my entire life. She vacuumed them up and made me take the vacuum bag--full of bugs, mind you!--to the dumpster, along with a plastic bag with the fondue box in it. Note that whenever anyone threw anything into the dumpsters, a cloud of Palmetto bugs would blast out and fly in all directions, including right at you, so I was freaked further after pitching the nasty things in the garbage. This cloud of flying roaches flew at me and I was convinced they were chasing me all the way home. I ran back, a gibbering idiot, and took a shower until the water went cold.

I wasn't warned about the Twilight Zone episode with the Howard Hughes-like clean freak in it who gets infested by roaches. That had me upset for weeks. I'm also told I should NEVER watch a movie called _Damnation Alley_.

Those are the Big Three Roach Stories. I'd rather look at the grossest medical journal article than one single roach. I am terrified of them. I think I have good reason to be.

I'm going to go take a really long soapy shower and sleep swaddled like a papoose now.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

P.S. to Jill--the sympathy is truly appreciated. :)

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

And, oh yeah, the CGI scarabs in "The Mummy" freaked me out horribly, which is what, I think, led me to Kelly the bug stories in the first place. If the above stories bothered you or if you're roach-phobic like I am, don't EVER see that movie.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Milla, when I was watching The Mummy, during one of the scarab- beetle sequences, I looked down at my carpet and there was a *huge, black beetle* walking along! After I jump-started my heart, I ran for the flyswatter and sent the nasty thing to its maker.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Tracey--you da man. I think I'd have piddled on myself. :)

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

Gwen, my apologies to you. I think if I had been with the "in crowd" and made the comments I made, they wouldn't have been greeted with such irritation (in general, that is, not pointing fingers at anyone in particular.) And when one is greeted that way, one responds defensively. Hey Gwen, I think you've been in that position yourself on at least one other board. But if one can't take the heat... so toodle-oo! Maybe I'll be back some day under another alias and try not to cause trouble, cause it is definitely quite the fun board.

And Suki, there is a difference between "discernment" and "condemnation". I meant that my intention was not to condemn anyone for their choices. I did, however, make the "judgement" that pitocin is a bad-ass drug to be messing around with, and I really don't see how it could possibly be offensive to anyone that I did. From everything I've ever heard or read, it is nearly impossible to use it without it causing contractions to come faster and more painfully than they would have otherwise, and therefore, yes, it is the laboring mother's drug from hell. Sometimes it's necessary to go through hell to get where we want to go, but it's still hell.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2000

Obviously, some of the people posting here are people I know in real life. However, I don't intend to run off anyone who disagrees with my friends.

Linda, (Pearl, right?) when I made the "earth mother" aside, it wasn't aimed at you or meant to be snotty. I felt that you misread my tone.

I don't even mind if people disagree with me... (okay, well, maybe I *mind*, but I hope I won't kick people off for that alone...) I just got a little defensive about being misunderstood, I guess.

Please don't feel that you have to leave. However, if changing your name would make you feel more comfortable, go for it.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2000

Milla, I'm new here, this is only my second time here and I'd like to tell you that your posts are ruining my life. I am so grossed out I have to go take a shower and wash my sheets. Blech.

Amy

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry.

I did warn everyone, though, I swear I did...!

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

once when i was in highschool this guy in my class sneezed and this big green snot came out and then he sniffed real hard & it got sukced back in his nose!! i dont think he knew i saw, but idid and i counldnt eat lunch that day!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000