For those who care to read: No BS invited. Have a new friend with complex back ground. Friend goes over-board with buying of gifts for friends. I realize the giving of multiple un-warranted gifts is an attempt to buy friends, though we don't need to be bought. We don't know how to deal with it, without crushing a needing soul. Are there any, with experience, who will assist us with providing a win-win solution?

-- A quiet Forum (maybeyouc@nhear.com), July 03, 2000

Answers

My guess, she's trying to "buy" friends because she feels she needs to to have any.

While most of the poor self esteem wave out there is crap I've seen examples that weren't. Wouldn't refuse the gifts because that leaves nothing for the giver. Have seen counseling help but at arms length about all you can do is be polite and warm.

-- Carlos (riffraff1@cybertime.net), July 03, 2000.

I think sitting down with this person and, in a caring way, saying exactly what you've posted, is the best solution. There's no way to dance around being honest.

That being said, the probability of you changing anyone else's behavior except your own is very small.

-- Jim Cooke (JJCooke@yahoo.com), July 04, 2000.

Oh, so it is her problem because she is giving you gifts??

That's not what I asked you! Answer the question...

You're not listening to what I asked you!

Are you going to answer the question??....

Ohhhh, don't give me that good-goody crap! YOU'RE FEELING GUILTY!!

Guilty because you're not willing to be as good of a friend as she is!

Did she ever ask you for gifts???? Hmmmmmm????.... So what's wrong with her giving you gifts?

If you don't want to be her friend then don't be her friend, but don't give me this crap about you don't like gifts! GROW UP!!!

-- Dr. Laura (I'm Dr. Laura @ and. you're not), July 04, 2000.

Givw her possitive reinforcement for things she does that do not involve gifts. Even if she mentions the nice weather, tell her she as a gift of noticing the nicer things in life we others take for granted. Let her know in small ways that her friendship and presense are "gifts". Also, some people are inclined to see things they think others would like and it may give her pleasure to buy them for friends.

Depending on how fragile her self esteem is, you might sit her down and explain how it can cause discomfort for others to recieve gifts too often. There is a stage in a childs growth when they learn the pleasure of giving over recieving which should be nurtured.

If she is comfortable with giving, for the sake of giving, suggest she "adopt" a poor senior or family and give them some necessities once in a while (not all of the time). Tell her that this would please you.

-- Cherri (sams@brigadoon.com), July 04, 2000.

Thank you, kindly for your responses (except Dr. Laura). I had read in years past ( before Internet) of this personality trait. She also seems to derive some satisfaction in the public deliverence of gifts in a time which is not appropriately suitable, such as a wake. Heaven knows, I have enough sins. This person is (on the surface) a beautiful, real caring nervous person, however, suspect abuse of prescription drugs also play a part. I pray not to harm her spirit. Thank you for any experience.

-- A quiet Forum (maybeyouc@nhear.com), July 04, 2000.

Oh there you go again, looking for someone else to blame!

Go ahead blame it on me, blame it on her medications.

Ohhhh, we're so sorry that this person is nice to you, what a terrible thing!!

Look, if you don't want to be her friend, fine, but quit trying to pretend that the problem is anything else but YOU!!!

And don't call me asking for help again, you childish brat!

-- Dr. Laura (some people @ i. swear), July 04, 2000.

Dr. Laura, we are not talking big bucks. You may wail all you may. This isn't big bucks, else I would surely be tempted. Are you attempting to show the "Givers" side? Remember, I am the fool, who showed up with nothing. Why must you hostile display the "giver" personality? I LIKE this person, all gifts aside! I don't want their gifts! I like this person, for themselves. Damnation!

-- A quiet forum (maybeyouc@nhear.com), July 05, 2000.

I wonder what would happen if you bought a gift for her. Do you think she would perceive it as intended (as a gesture of warmth and friendship) or would she feel somehow threatened by it.

For what it's worth, I interpret Dr. Laura's answers as a parody of the like named radio personality and not directed at you personally.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), July 05, 2000.