(Humor) A rare Monty Python skit that wasn't on TV...greenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread |
Here's a cool Monty Python skit that wasn't on the TV series...(very slight editing by me, mostly for readability)
from Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl "We Were Poor" (Four Yorkshiremen)
Yorkshireman I (Eric Idle): Very passable, this, eh? Very passable.
All: Ay, oh ay.
Yorkshireman II (Graham Chapman): Nothing like a good glass of Chbteau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah?
Yorkshireman III (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.
Yorkshireman II: Ay.
Yorkshireman I: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chbteau de Chaselet, eh?
All: Ay, ay.
Yorkshireman IV (Michael Palin): Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Yorkshireman II: Ay! A cup of cold tea!
Yorkshireman IV: Ay!
Yorkshireman I: Without milk or sugar!
Yorkshireman III: Or tea!
Yorkshireman IV: In a cracked cup and all.
Yorkshireman I: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Yorkshireman II: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
Yorkshireman III: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.
Yorkshireman IV: Because we were poor!
Yorkshireman III: Ay!
Yorkshireman IV: My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"
Yorkshireman I: He was right!
Yorkshireman IV: Ay!
Yorkshireman I: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof.
Yorkshireman II: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!
Yorkshireman IV: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh!
Yorkshireman I: Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!
Yorkshireman II: We were EVICTED from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!
Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a lake! There were 15 of us living in a cardboard box in the middle of the road!
Yorkshireman IV: A cardboard box?
Yorkshireman III: Ay!
Yorkshireman IV: You were LUCKY! We lived for three months in a newspaper-lined septic tank! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
Yorkshireman II: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at mill, for twopence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle... IF we were lucky!
Yorkshireman III: Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the cardboard box in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!
Yorkshireman I: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay mill-owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!
Yorkshireman IV: Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!
All: No, no they won't!
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 15, 2000
Just what I needed, a mid-morning yuck break!I'd like to buy a bed, please!
-- Bingo1 (howe9@shentel.net), June 15, 2000.
LOL. I'd linger to chuckle but I'm off to another busy day at the Ministry of Silly Walks.
-- Lars (lars@indy.net), June 15, 2000.
"Be a man Arthur Putey!"I'd give my right... to se the 'Mr. Neutron' episode, with the master of disguises Teddy Salad. "You know - lettuce, tomato, cucmber."
"Give me a bone & I'll tell ya what I know - uh, got to go walkies!"
I need a Python fix this weekend. Wifey is away, party at my house - admission fee is one Python episode on video cassette.
-- Bingo1 (howe9@shentel.net), June 15, 2000.
Hi Lars and Bingo 1,Glad you enjoyed the show. And why wait for the weekend for more? Here's another -- a classic, actually.
The Dead Parrot Sketch
MR. PRALINE John Cleese SHOP OWNER Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show... (owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot. Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! (pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug. (pause)
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well. (The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.) Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you. (Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop! He does.
Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 15, 2000.
Funny stuff. The first sketch reminds me of Candide.
-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), June 15, 2000.
Some of the threads on Old TB2K were strongly reminiscent of Python's "Argument Sketch":The Argument Clinic
(A reception desk in a sort of office building.)
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Man: I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir, have you been here before...?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it's probably best of I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory... Yes, try Mr. Barnard -- Room 12.
Man: Thank you.
[...] The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating:(from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now!
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half-hour?
Man: Oh, just a five minute one.
Mr Vibrating: Fine. (makes a note of it; the man sits down) Thank you. Anyway I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Now, let's get one thing quite clear... I most definitely told you!
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: Didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did!!
Man: Look this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn't.
Man: Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.
Man: You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating: No, nonsense!
Man: Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man: Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: But it isn't just saying "No it isn't".
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't, an argument is an intellectual process... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look!
Mr Vibrating:(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: What!?
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now... oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating: Thank you.
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man: Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing... got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
(END)
-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), June 15, 2000.
Font
Off
-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), June 15, 2000.
I seem to recall the Argument Clinic sketch having the customer first step into Abuse by accident. Or is that another sketch.
-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), June 15, 2000.
Charter member of the society for putting things on top of other things. ALBATROSS.
-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), June 16, 2000.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!.
.
David, I remember that, too. Wasn't the outrageous Abuser Michael Palin - who offers a sweet apology when he realizes the mistake & sends the guy off to the correct office?
.
Nudge, nudge?
-- flora (***@__._), June 16, 2000.
Mornin', fellow Pythonians!And here's another for y'all...
Non-illegal Robbery
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
The cast:
BOSS Michael Palin FIFTH John Cleese LARRY Terry Jones REG Eric Idle
The sketch:
(Scene : A garret room with a bare table. Around it are grouped four desperate-looking robbers. The Boss has a rolled-up map. One of the gang, the fifth, is looking out of the window.) Boss: All clear?
Fifth: All clear, Boss.
Boss: (unfolding big map across table; talking carefuly) Right ... this is the plan then. At 10:45 .. 7 you, Reg:, collect me and Ken in the van, and take us round to the British Jewellery Centre in the High Street. We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50a of m. I shall then get out of the car, you Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me #5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing #5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic. You'll go straight to Norman's Garage in East Street. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we rendezvous in the back room at the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15. All right, any questions?
Larry: We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
Boss: What do you mean?
Larry: Well ... we're paying for the watch.
Boss: (patiently) Yes...
Larry: (hesitating) Well... why are we paying for the watch?
Boss: (heavily) They wouldn't give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they... eh?
Larry: Look! I don't like this outfit.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: (at last feeling free to say what's on his mind) Well, we never break the bloody law.
(General consternation.)
Boss: What d'you mean?
Larry: Well, look at that bank job last week.
Boss: What was wrong with that?
Larry: Well having to go in there with a mask on and ask for #15 out of my deposit account; that's what was wrong with it.
Boss: Listen! What are you trying to say, Larry?
Larry: Couldn't we just steal the watch, Boss
Boss: Oh, you dumb cluck! We spent weeks organizing this job. Reg rented a room across the road and filmed the people going in and out every day. Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogues...until he knew the price of each one backwards, and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.
Larry: Urr... couldn't we park on a double yellow line?
Boss: No!
Larry: Couldn't we get a dog to foul the foot...
Boss: No!
Reg: (suddenly going pale) 'Ere, Boss!
Boss: What's the matter with you?
Reg: I just thought... I left the car on a meter... and it's...
Boss: Overdue?
Reg: Yes, Boss.
Boss: How much?
Reg: (quaking) I dunno, Boss... maybe two ... maybe five minutes ...
Boss: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You fool! All right ... we've no time to lose. Ken - shave all your hair off, get your passport and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night. Vic - go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there. Reg - go to Canada and work your way south to Nicaragua by July. Larry - you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes then blow the building up. All right, make it fast.
Larry: I can't blow the building up.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: It's illegal.
Boss: Oh bloody hell. Well we'd better give ourselves up then.
Reg: We can't, Boss.
Boss: Why not?
Reg: We haven't done anything illegal.
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 16, 2000.
Turns out that, for unknown reasons, the version that I found on-line left out the "abuse" lead-in. Found the more complete version at Britcomedy Digest:...He enters room 12.
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh... Sorry...
A: Not at all! (under his breath) Stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk...
-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), June 16, 2000.
DeeEmBee, thanks for filling the gap. Flora, I believe that Graham Chapman was the "Abuser," but it's been a long time.
-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), June 16, 2000.
Hi Dave, flora, DeeEmBee,I'm sorry...I didn't think to help y'all out with the argument clinic. I hope the following will make it up to you...
Dead Parrot Sketch
The cast:
MR. PRALINE John Cleese
SHOP OWNER Michael Palin The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage) Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause) Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause) Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug. (pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well. (The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.) Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(Mr Praline goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".) Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop! He does.
Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 17, 2000.
I have a strange feeling of deja vu.
-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), June 17, 2000.
Dave ja vu, eh?Dave, did I post this before? If so, my apologies, and I'll go fetch another.
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 17, 2000.
Eve - thanks for posting this sketch. I'm a huge Python fan.The reason you didn't see this on a Monty Python TV episode was that it isn't actually a Python sketch. It pre-dates Python by a couple of years and was performed by a group which contained a couple of soon- to-be Pythons. My guess is that it was written by Palin/Jones, but I'm not 100% sure.
I read a great book earlier this year about the history of Python (which is why I know the Four Yorkshiremen is not a true Python sketch). The book was essentially an oral history in book form, that was published to coincide with the 30th anniversary of them first going on the air (1969).
Title of the book is MONTY PYTHON SPEAKS, and I highly recommend it for Python-philes.
See the following URL at Amazon for more details:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380804794/qid=961300209/sr=1- 8/002-6771360-6559203
At my high school in suburban Toronto in the late seventies and early eighties we had no Trekkies; only people who went around saying "NI", "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" and "ALBATROSS" a lot.
Regards
JC
-- Johnny Canuck (j_canuck@hotmail.com), June 17, 2000.
I used to laugh so hard it would hurt whenever the Ministry of Funny Walks was seen. As a child..it was side splitting funny.Also loved Dennis Moore, robbing Lupins..and the little ditty they would sing in the background. "Dennis Moore..Dennis Dee...Dum Dum DUm"
And then there was DINSDALE...:-)
-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), June 18, 2000.
Run, Don't Walk - Purchase The Videos
-- Crass Commercialism - - or - - Public Service Announcement (howe9@shentel.net), June 18, 2000.
Hi Johnny,I didn't know that about the script; that's interesting....and thanks for the book resommendation -- it does sound like a "must" read.
This next one's for you and flora...
Now, IMO, this sketch, as well as the next, plays better if you've actually seen and remember it -- especially Eric Idle's near perfect casting for this as "The Man."
Nudge, Nudge
The cast:
MAN Eric Idle
SQUIRE Terry Jones
The sketch:
Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.
Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
Squire: Well, I, uh....
Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
Squire: Um, she likes sport, yes!
Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!
Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?
Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)
Man: SAY NO MORE!!
Man: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!
Squire: I wasn't going to!
Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?
Squire: Photography?
Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more? Squire: Holiday snaps, eh?
Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?
Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?
Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
Squire: Well?
Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.
Squire: Yes...
Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....
Squire: What do you mean?
Man: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
Squire: Yes....
Man: What's it like?
kritter, this one's for you...Oh yes...could you or someone 'splain the ending to me? I read it twice and went, "say what?" Of course, I realize that with many Python scripts, ya just have to "go with the flow" and enjoy the ride...
The Ministry of Silly Walks
The cast:
MINISTER John Cleese SHOPKEEPER Terry Jones MR PUDEY Michael Palin
The sketch:
(A man dressed in suit complete with bowler hat comes into shop. He has a silly walk and keeps doing little jumps and then three long paces without moving the top of his body. He buys a paper, then we follow him as he leaves the shop.)
Minister: 'Times' please.
Shopkeeper: Oh yes sir, here you are.
Minister: Thank you.
Shopkeeper: Cheers.
(The Minister leaves the shop, from which we see a line of gas men stretching back up the road to Mrs Pinnet,s house and walks off in an indescribably silly manner. Cut to him proceeding along Whitehall, and into a building labelled 'Ministry of Silly Walks'.)
(Inside the building he passes three other men, each walking in their own eccentric way.)
(Cut to an office; a man is sitting waiting. The minister enters eccentrically.)
Minister: Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work. (sits at desk) Now then, what was it again?
Mr Pudey: Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it.
Minister: I see. May I see your silly walk?
Mr Pudey: Yes, certainly, yes. (He gets up and does a few steps, lifting the bottom part of his left leg sharply at every alternate pace. He stops.)
Minister: That's it, is it?
Mr Pudey: Yes, that's it, yes.
Minister: lt's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.
Mr Pudey: Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly.
Minister: (rising) Mr Pudey, (he walks about behind the desk in a very silly fashion) the very real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defence, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defencel Now we get #348,000,000 a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products. (he sits down) Coffee?
Mr Pudey: Yes please.
Minister: (pressing intercorn) Now Mrs Two-Lumps, would you bring us in two coffees please?
Intercom Voice: Yes, Mr Teabag.
Minister: ... Out of her mind. Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step. While the Israelis... here's the coffee.
(Enter secretary with tray with two cups on it. She has a particularly jerky silly walk which means that by the time she reaches the minister there is no coffee left in the cups. The minister has a quick look in the cups, and smiles understandingly.)
Minister: Thank you - lovely. (she exits still carrying tray and cups) You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?
Mr Pudey: Oh rather. Yes.
Minister: Well take a look at this, then. (He products a projeaor from beneath his desk already spooled up and plugged in. He fiicks a switch and it beams onto the opposite wall. The film shows a sequence of six old-fashioned silly walkers. The film is old silent-movie type, scratchy, jerky and 8mm quality. All the participants wear 1900's type costume. One has huge shoes with soles a foot thick, one is a woman, one has. very long 'Little Tich' shoes. Cut back to office. The minister hurls the projeaor away. Along with papers and everything else on his desk. He leans foward.)
Minister: Now Mr Pudey. I'm not going to mince words with you. I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French
Mr Pudey: La Marche Futile?
(Cut to two Frenchmen, wearing striped jerseys and berets, standing in a field with a third man who is entirely covered by a sheet.)
First Frenchman: Bonjour ... et maintenant ... comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le Marchi Commun. Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois, mon ami, le pouf cilhbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique. (he removes his moustache and sticks it onto the other Frenchman)
Second Frenchman: Merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe. Et maintenant avec les pieds ` droite, et les pieds au gauche, et maintenant l'Anglais-Frangaise Marche Futile, et voil`
(They unveil the third man and walk off He is facing to camera left and appears to be dressed as a city gent; then he turns about face and we see on his fight half he is dressed au style franfais. He moves off into the distance in eccentric speeded-up motion.)
-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 19, 2000.