Religious Jokes (Benign)

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1. A minister was having more and more trouble coming up with good sermon topics. One Saturday morning he was walking down the street, worrying that he hadn't the foggiest notion of what he was going to say on the morrow.

He passed a house where a little boy was trying to ring the doorbell. The boy was very short and repeatedly leaped up to try to stab the doorbell, but to no avail.

The minister passed by and walked a ways and then got to thinking. He said to himself "You have a problem that's weighing you down, but that little boy's problem is every bit as big to him as your's is to you."

So he went back, went up the steps, and rang the doorbell. He then looked down at the little boy, smiled, and said "Well,Little Man, what now?"

Little Man said "Now we run like hell."

2. There is a group of singing nuns which gives concerts (very good, I've seen them do a Christmas special). They were on a plane going to their next concert when the plane ran into terrible turbulence, being slammed violently back and forth. The nuns began to pray. One of the nuns noticed that the man next to her wasn't praying, so she suggested he might want to do something religious. The man nodded in assent, got up from his seat, and took up a collection.

3. A Catholic priest encountered one of his flock on the street, the worst old reprobate in the parish. After greeting the old goat, the priest said that the man looked worried. "Aye that I am. Do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest saw a heaven-sent opportunity to reform the old fellow, so he replied "Modern science has discovered that the causes of arthritis are three - drinking whiskey, shooting dice, and chasing after wild wild women."

"Gosh" said the old goat, "I understand the Pope has it really bad."

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), June 08, 2000

Answers

Lon Frank unfortunately met his demise and was escorted by angels to Heaven. St. Peter himself was so delighted to see this fine man that he gave him a personal tour.

They entered what looked for all the world like an old-fashioned office building. A plain nameplate on the first door to the right read "God". The door was open, (God was off doing miracles somewhere) and Lon was impressed by the simplicity of the office. God just had a plain wood desk and chair, one file cabinet, a typewriter, and a simple electric fan in the window for a breeze.

St. Peter led Lon through all sorts of rooms, all of them plain in design and specific in function. The last room at the end of the hall was full of spring-wound clocks. Each clock had a different time displayed on its face.

Lon asked why no two clocks were set to the same time. St. Peter explained that each clock represented the life of a human being. When that human sinned, the minute hand on the clock clicked forward. God could see at a glance who was naughty and who was nice.

Lon thought this was a cool system. He looked around for clocks with his friends' names on them and found several. There was one in particular he looked for and didn't find. He asked St. Peter where that person's clock was.

"Kritter's clock?" asked St. Peter. "You know HER?"

"Yes" said Lon.

"Well," asked St. Peter, "didja see the fan in God's office?"

-- helen (just@joking.now), June 09, 2000.




-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), June 09, 2000.

Git, at least give us the number of your joke! ;^)

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), June 09, 2000.

I believe Old Git just snorted in HTML. Whether or not that is illegal I don't know. I'd like to know what kind of effect snorting in HTML has on the body? I'm sure it can't be good.

Now about my fan..er...clock..yes..thats probably about right. But it's not from sinfull livin'..oh no..it's from all these FREAKIN cigarettes I inhale on a daily basis.

(and it might have something to do with a certain repetoire of "Flavored Malt Beverages" I have come to find I like) (And the sluggish pace at which I attack all things in life) (And that bag of Stella Doro Swiss Fudge Cookies I ate while watching the game last night) (And my fascination with guns and people who like them) (And all those times I sent up red flags at the Echelon office..)

But it ain't from no sinnin'..dammit!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), June 09, 2000.


There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her saying, "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Hmph...I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was...She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

-- mebs (mebs@joymail.com), June 10, 2000.


Since starting this thread, I have been flooded with e-mails, all asking the same question: Do you have any more? Well, as luck would have it, I do.

1. What is generally not known about Purgatory is that married couples spend time there together even if it's just one partner who has to work off his (usually his) sinning.

Three couples were in the appeals room, to make the case for getting released. The first couple approached the angel with the big black book, who looked them up in the book and shook his head. He told the husband "You were such a terrible miser that you have to spend more time here. You pinched every penny until Abe Lincoln screamed in pain. Why, you even married a girl named Penny, didn't you." And the man had to admit that was true.

The second couple fared no better. The angel told the husband "You really went for those three martini lunches. Why, you even married a girl named Ginny, didn't you." And the husband had to admit that was true.

At that, the third man turned and said to his wife "We might as well get out of here, Fanny, this isn't going to get us anywhere."

2. A lawyer died and was standing in front of the pearly gates while St. Peter looked him up in the big black book. It was taking a long time, and there was considerable tut-tutting on the part of St. Peter. Finally St. Peter pressed a button, and the gates opened to admit our hero, who bopped in skipping and snapping his fingers, because he had really been afraid that he would flunk.

St. Peter told him not to get too carried away, because mates were assigned in heaven, and the attractiveness of the mate depended on how worthy the entrant was. "Since you barely made it in here, there's your mate over there" pointing to a woman sitting on a nearby cloud. The lawyer was appalled, because his mate for eternity was truly gross. But then he reflected philosophically that he was very lucky not to have been sent below.

The first few weeks in heaven were quite pleasant for our hero, wandering around the misty hills and glades, listening to the lovely harp music. But one morning he came upon a scene which turned his contentment to disbelief and rage. There was Bo Derek, and with her was none other than Uncle Deedah.

UNCLE F DEEDAH!! You see, the lawyer had known Unk on Earth, knew what a rotten fellow he was. Our man thought "I may be a lawyer, but I deserve Bo a lot more than that guy."

And then he thought, because I'm a lawyer, I think I can arrange for mates to be switched. All I have to do is build a methodical case. If I can get St. Peter to agree on a couple of points, I think I've got my case won.

So he went to St. Peter and started his argument. He said "Firstoff, you have to agree the this Deedah is just no good." St. Peter nodded vigorously. "Second, however bad I've been, I'm clearly better than Deedah." Once again, St. Peter nodded vigorously.

Great, thought the lawyer, now I've got it made. So he launched into a passionate speech arguing for the swich, ending with the words "So where is truth? Where is justice? Surely a mistake has been made which must be rectified!"

At that, St. Peter shook his head and explained "There are no mistakes in Heaven. You see, Bo Derek barely made it in here."

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), June 10, 2000.


I love you guys.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), June 10, 2000.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But, mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But, Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But, you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And, there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

-- mebs (mebs@joymail.com), June 12, 2000.

I'm so used to putting snort inside those jagged brackets in chat I did it here too, forgetting it makes my snorts invisible except to kritter, who is all-seeing). Nothing worse than invisible snorts, except invisible shorts.

There's nothing worse than invisible snorts,

Except, of course, invisible shorts.

You're walking about in your Sears cotton knickers,

Wondering why there are all of these snickers.

Looking on down, it's easy to tell--

You put your Bermudas in html.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), June 12, 2000.


Hey, that was KEWL Git! Poetic Genuis!

As far as finding yer snort, I only just discovered "View Source" a few months ago when I first started dealing with HTML. On another forum I know of, we started to use it to convey secret messages to each other. Now anytime I see a message with no message, my first thought is to look at the source code. There is a secret message in this very message! Can you find it?




-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), June 12, 2000.


What message?

Which critter?

Why is Andy called Pat? Won't that confuse her when she goes into the guy beaver's (is there such a thing?) restroom?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 13, 2000.


I'm confused....I was looking for Mis Git's forgotten shorts.......but I couldn't find 'em.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 13, 2000.

This is the secret message:



-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), June 13, 2000.


Message for kritter's nosy eyes only...



-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), June 13, 2000.


But my glasses are on my nose and I can't see it!!!!!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Whine, wine, semper, simper......

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 13, 2000.



BTW, the best bet on adding little messages is to use the comment HTML tags, which starts with a less-than symbol, an exclamation point, and two hyphens, all with no spaces. Then add your text as normal, and close it with two more hyphens and a greater-than symbol. That way you won't freak out a web browser if you use a word that translates to a real HTML tag.

View the source to see this example:

There ya have it. :-)

O d d O n e

-- OddOne (mocklamer_1999@yahoo.com), June 14, 2000.


Note in my example it doesn't even leave any blank space to reveal the presence of your little secret! ;-)

O d d O n e, who among other things is a webmaster.

-- OddOne (mocklamer_1999@yahoo.com), June 14, 2000.


A message for Odd One and a message for Brooks: (secret decoder ring needed)



-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), June 14, 2000.


Isn't there a way you can also write in white text on a white background? Testing: Can you see this? White on white. Guess it works either way, but this is more difficult to deal with!

Now..if you right click with your mouse on the blank space under that line, like you were highlighting that line, you SHOULD see the secret message without have to view source. See it?

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), June 14, 2000.

Dear kritter,

Oh Odd One,



-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), June 14, 2000.


boo!

-- helen (w@y.out), June 14, 2000.


Paul is dead, Paul is dead.

(He blew his mind out in a car...he didn't notice that the lights had changed.)

-- number six (but_I_just_couldn't_look@having_read_the_book.com), June 16, 2000.


A priest and a num are playing tennis. Both are very caught up in the game. Every time the priest misses the ball, he cries aloud, "Shit, I missed!"

Naturally this goes against the nun's grain. They play some more, and again the priest misses the ball and screams, "Shit, I missed!" The nun loses patience and yells to him, "If you curse again, then a bolt of lightning should strike you!" They play further and the priest tries to get himself under control, but by the second missed ball he loses it and cries again, "Shit, I missed!"

The heavens open up and a lightning bolt comes down - and strikes the nun. She collapses, dead. And from above comes a voice, "Shit, I missed!"

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 16, 2000.


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