Slightly Revised Proverbs

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he/she gets angry, they'll be a mile away....and barefooted.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-- I am not a God (not@tv.either), May 30, 2000

Answers

Out of the "Butts" of Babes

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. Soo.........I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled......... "See MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified.........but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

-- Me neither! (not@radio.even), May 30, 2000.

The New Guy

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

-- I ain't Him, either! (not@cable.here), May 30, 2000.

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of the building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd man says: "What, are you nuts? There is no way in hell that could happen."

First man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you" so he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind ships him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke!"

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat'.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

-- oldie but humorous (heres@ya.baby), May 30, 2000.

For Al-d,

God's 1st Children~~

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from this thought:

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the First thing he said was: "Don't".

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day~~~ If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

Take two and keep away from children.

-- aurora is calling you (willyou@ccept.thecharges), May 30, 2000.

so this grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey,we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You've got a drink named Fred?"

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), May 30, 2000.

Another one for Al-d and his fans...

Subject: A Blessing in Disguise

The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.

But the man did not hear.

So the man yelled "God, speak to me!" and the thunder rolled across the sky.

But the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said, "God let me see you" and a star shone brightly.

But the man did not notice.

And the man shouted "God show me a miracle!" and a life was born.

But the man did not know.

So the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here!" Whereupon God reached down and touched the man.

But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way you expect. How many blessings have we missed because they weren't what we expected?

-- for you, grasshopper (listen@learn.love), May 30, 2000.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well actually, yes I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), May 30, 2000.

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

She is not a babe or a chick - She is a Breasted American.

She is not a screamer or moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.

She is not easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.

She does not tease or flirt - She engages in Artifical Stimulation.

She is not dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.

She has not been around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.

She does not get you excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.

She is not kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.

She does not have a killer body - She is Terminally Attractive.

She is not an airhead - She is Reality Impaired.

She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets Chemically Incovenienced.

She is not horny - She is Sexually Focused.

She does not have breast implants - She is Medically Enhanced.

She is not a slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.

She does not have major league hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.

She is not a two-bit whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.

She does not nag you - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.

-- Rules for him (what@bout.her?), May 30, 2000.

I was having a really tough time with my 3 yr olds toilet training also,to the point where I worried that I was running out of underwear for him because if we were out, I would throw them away.

This one time, while being out I decided to save them, but was unprepared again, so I put them in a "sample case" for house siding, (which I sell) for an out of the way place until later.

A week later, I was giving an esitmate for a siding job and about to land the job, when I pulled out the sample case and .........

The customer said they needed more time to think it over.

-- KoFE (your@town.USA), May 30, 2000.

How To Speak About Men And Be politically Correct:

He does not have a beer Gut - He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He does not get lost all the time - He Investigates Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding - He is in Follicular Regression.

He is not a cradle Robber - He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk - He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass - He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not a sex machine - He is Romantically Automated.

He is not a male chauvinist pig - He has Swine Empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment - He is Monogamously Challenged.

He does not undress you with his eyes - He has an Introspective Graphic Moment.

He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian.

-- Rules for her (go@it.folks!), May 30, 2000.

A man is driving a car and is stopped by a police officer.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

-- Reason #1 for an ejection seat! (cops@nd.robbers), May 30, 2000.

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, as he turns to her and says," I was here already?"

-- Debra (!!!!@!!!!.com), May 30, 2000.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), May 30, 2000.

Deb: The horizontal boogie? ROFL...

Grumpy old Men movie, Horizontal Mombo? tee hee...

Funniest movie added to the list of movies I've ever seen!!!

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), May 30, 2000.

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

-- Republican lawyer? (lol@giggle.snort!), May 31, 2000.

DIDJA HEAR 'BOUT THE BLONDE THAT:

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.

16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."

-- blonde republican lawyers? (lol@giggle.snort), May 31, 2000.

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"

The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "Surely you don't think that I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

-- now we're cookin'! (lol@giggle.snort), May 31, 2000.

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen while his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time. Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

-- big laugh or hot air? (lol@giggle.snort), May 31, 2000.

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Are those real?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

(Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

Fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?

I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says "Made in Heaven."

-- Pick-up lines for terminal bachelors (lol@giggle.snort), May 31, 2000.

ROFLMAO "Rules", I almost lost it on the "overly Caucasian", funny posts, from both him and her...

-- FactFinder (FactFinder@bzn.com), May 31, 2000.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

-- bad lawyer joke (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have not served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. So, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

YOUR SOUTHERN HOROSCOPE

OKRA - Dec 22 - Jan 20 - Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okrans have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN - Jan 21 - Feb 19 - Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can take something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL - Feb 20 - Mar 20 - You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE - Mar 21 - Apr 20 - You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. You probably need to get out more. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM - Apr 21 - May 21 - When confronted with life's difficulties, you tend to have a "don't bother" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH - May 22 - Jun 21 - Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very good heads.

COLLARDS - Jun 22- Jul 23 - Collards have a genius for communication. They have a zest for life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.it just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH - Jul 24 - Aug 23 - Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS - Aug 24 - Sep 23 - Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS - Sep 24 - Oct 23 - You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably effect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN - Oct 24 - Nov 2 - Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO - Nov 23 - Dec 21 - You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

-- gettin' hungry now? (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

The Angry Nurse

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway.

-- Guess she couldn't find a rose? (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

-- Debra (!!!!@!!!!.com), June 01, 2000.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion

2. Royalty

3. Sex

4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"

-- Annikin Skywalker (mother@did.it.alone), June 01, 2000.

What is this? C:ENTER:###

>

>

>

>

It's how a gay man has sex. You pronounce it like this:

See colon.

Enter colon.

Pound. Pound. Pound.

-- backdoor humor... (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

-- don't drink and drive! You might hit a bump and spill your drink... (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

-- bridge maintenance DOT (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work!

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immed- iately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner, Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"I really enjoyed my evening." She went on to say.

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said.

"Charley was too tired."

-- married with children....NOT! (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with her nine children - all under age 11. Collecting the many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the entourage in disbelief.

"Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," the mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

-- catholics? (lol@giggle.snort), June 01, 2000.

A woman reads an ad in the newspaper during breakfast and asks her unemployed husband, "Honey, the police are looking for a man who molests women at night in the park. Couldn't that be something for you?"

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 01, 2000.

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1940s, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure: boned, trussed, and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a darn good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice -- she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of FLEXIBLE rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice, and entered the chamber of horrors known as "The Fitting Room." The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, giving the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place, I gasped in horror -- my bosom had disappeared.

Eventually I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take full-view assessment.

The suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Play-Doh wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, they are sooo YOU!" she said, admiring the suits. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally I found a suit that fit. A two-piece affair, with shorts-like bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label, which said, 'Material may become transparent in water,' but I'm determined to wear it anyway.

I just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

Author Unknown

-- anonymous, no credit needed here! (nope@not.here), June 02, 2000.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

-- Patricia (Equ@l.time), June 02, 2000.

Pat:

The question was: How many does it take to replace one role of toilet paper after the other is down to the cardboard?

In my house the above answer regarding the lightbulb shall suffice.

LOL.

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), June 02, 2000.

'sumer, same here. Grumble........

(I think it's worse when they leave like four sheets on the roll; they KNOW there's only FOUR SHEETS there, but they leave it like that. Or two drops of milk in the carton.....and right back in the refrigerator it goes. Meanwhile, the GARBAGE PAIL is (no exaggeration) TWO STEPS from the fridge. Yet we love 'em anyway.)

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), June 02, 2000.

Patricia,

What is a "Garbage Pail"? Is that some new "hip" synonym for "window" or "floor"?

Wondering at this brave new world,

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), June 02, 2000.

Actually, Frank, in my house, it's an area that varies in size, shape and location, whereby the only constant is the **UNUTILIZED**, yet highly mobile, cylindrical space approximately 3-1/2' tall with a diameter of approximately 1-3/4'; said unutilized space is normally located exactly two *adult steps* from said refrigerator, though that, too, can vary depending on which canine notices which aroma emanating from said cylindrical space (hence it is considered to be "highly mobile").

;-)

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), June 03, 2000.

Subject: Wealthy Lawyers

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then"

"But, sir, I have a wife & two children."

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well."

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.

-- ha ha ha (lol@giggle.snort), June 04, 2000.

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel. Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club. To join, you must slip a hundred dollars under the door."

The man does so, but the door doesn't open. He knocks on the door and the madam appears again. The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."

The madam says, "What, again?"

-- chuckle (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied:" I quoted scripture."

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

-- That's using the Bible, alright! (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

"Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing." -- Andy Roonney on Award Shows

-------

"I drank What?" -- Socrates

--------

Did you hear about the Polish gay guy? He sleeps with women.

-------

It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?

--------

"One time a guy pulled a knife on me... I could tell it wasn't a professional job; it had butter on it." - Rodney Dangerfield

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One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said "I did that by accident".

She replied "I know that, daddy"

I replied, "How'd you know?"

Melanie said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

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Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

--------

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

-- humor, it's good for ya! (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: 'Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.'"

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

-- tee hee (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective January 1, 2001, penises will be taxed as follows......

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-10" Pole Tax

5"-8" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Anyone exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone uinder 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalites for early withdrawal?

Do mulitple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

-- line up size queens! (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

Pat: Rofl...How bout the socks next to the bed? Laundry shoot in bathroom, next to toilet paper, next to heap of dirty towels.?

I one time put a garbage bag full of trash right on the stairs as they enter the house. Guess what happened?

YOU GUESSED RIGHT....LOL.

Pat, you are a scream.... :-)

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), June 05, 2000.

When the ark's door closed tight,Noah called a meeting of all the animals.

"Your attention please!" Noah said with a stern voice. "There will be NO sex for the duration of this trip. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to my sons. I will sit over here and write you a receipt. After we see land, you'll get your penises back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit rushed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "get up on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there's any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, Babe, no land yet."

"Damn!" Exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up and demanded, "whats the matter with you? You know it's supposed to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land, so why are you getting so excited every day?"

"Look!" Exclaimed Mr. Rabbit with a gleeful expression as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!'"

-- for Al-d (lol@giggle.snort), June 05, 2000.

A mother and her daughter are on a day trip in New York, and are taking a cab to get around. The little girl looks out the window to see some scantily clad women, and says to her mom, "Mommy, what are those ladies doing on the corner of the street over there?"

To that, her mother replies, "They're waiting for their husbands to come home."

The cab driver butt's in and says, "Come on lady! They're hookers!"

The lady and child are silent for a moment, then the little girl speaks up, "Mommy, do hookers have babies?"

Her mother reluctantly says, "Of course, honey. Where do you think cab drivers come from?"

-- tee hee (lol@giggle.snort), June 06, 2000.

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals."

In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright.

He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway."

"But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"

"Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."

-- tee hee (lol@giggle.snort), June 06, 2000.

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

-- Bow Wow Ouch! (not@all.funny.to.dog.lovers), June 06, 2000.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

-- Don't ask, don't tell. (lol@giggle.snort), June 06, 2000.

Consumer Warnings

To add to your files on the truly bizarre or "fact is always stranger than fiction"...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts).

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Igotta admit, I'm curious).

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta)

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this Garment does not enable you to fly". (I don't blame the company I blame parents for this one!)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?. Good grief)

-- That's gotta hurt! (lol@giggle.snort), June 08, 2000.