Mornin', y'all, a heartfelt "thank you" to our vets and thanks to our fallen soldiers who gave their lives in the service of our great country.

Here's an interesting little piece from http://www.objectivistcenter.org/pubs that talks about something that I know I'm still having a hard time with...

"I Don't Have To"

by David Kelley

Reprinted from the IOS Journal, Volume 6, Number 1, April 1996.

How many times during the course of a week do we say "I have to..."?

I have to take out the trash...change the oil in my car...pay my Visa bill...I have to give a presentation at the sales meeting...take the final exam in physics...entertain my in-laws this weekend.... My wife and I really have to talk about our daughter's problem in school, about how much we're spending on food, about the fight we had yesterday....I have to lose some weight...get more sleep...take more initiative in my job.

These are the kinds of things that typically appear in "To-do" lists and New Year's resolutions. And most of them, taken literally, are false. In the practice of Objectivism, it is important to keep in mind exactly why they are false.

In her essay "Causality Versus Duty" (reprinted in Philosophy: Who Needs It), Ayn Rand related the story of a woman's being told she's got to do something. "'Mister [the woman replied], there's nothing I've got to do except die.'" Rand went on to say:

"Life or death is man's only fundamental alternative. To live is his basic act of choice. If he chooses to live, a rational ethics will tell him what principles of action are required to implement his choice...."

"Reality confronts man with a great many "musts," but all of them are conditional; the formula of realistic necessity is: "You must, if " and the "if" stands for man's choice...."

If I wish to eat, I must take certain steps to obtain food. If I wish to practice medicine, I must acquire the necessary knowledge and skills. If I want to have a happy marriage, there are things I must do to achieve that value. In general, we cannot achieve values without effort, and the nature of the effort is determined by the facts of realityspecifically the law of causality, which relates actions to consequences, means to ends. In that sense, there are a great many things we have to do. But there is always an implicit "if": if we want to achieve the goal in question. Any enterprise depends on our commitment to the goal, and nothing in reality forces that commitment on us.

To say "I have to" is to speak the language of compulsion, duty, authoritythe language of injunctions imposed on us from without. Objectivism is not a duty ethic, but an ethic of values, the ultimate value being one's own life and happiness.

The language of values is "I want" and "I will": I want this, and I will do what it takes to get it.

Speaking the language of values instead of the language of duty, "want-to" instead of "have-to," is a daily reminder that we live by choice, with both the freedom and the responsibility that that entails. When I think of a task as something I want to do, I affirm it as an exercise of choice and as an action that serves my values. But when I think of a task as something I "have to" do, I detach it from my values and mentally cede a portion of my life to an alien power; the hours spent on that task feel like a tax withheld from my time on earth.

Of course, it is not the words per se but the thought behind them that counts. Many people will insist that when they say "I have to," there is an implicit "if." They have chosen their goals, and are simply focusing now on the requirements that reality sets if they are to achieve those goals. Fair enough. But there are dangers in leaving the "if" implicit, and corresponding advantages in saying and thinking "I want to."

1) The language of values keeps us focused on our responsibility for our choices. When someone extends an unwanted invitation, how easy it is to say "I'd love to, but I have to study for the exam...visit my mother...do my taxes." In fact, I could choose to accept the invitation, but I have other values to which I'd rather devote the time. This is true regardless of whether I have a conventionally acceptable excusean actual appointment or other obligationor simply want to read a book or go out with someone else. Most of us shy away from saying this in as many words, to spare the person's feelings. But then we are saying, in effect, "My time does not belong to me; it's only because something else has a prior claim on me that I'm justified in refusing your claim." But nothing has such a claim on me apart from my choice, which is based on its value to me. I can be tactful in declining the invitation, but I do not have to cede responsibility for my actions to some impersonal necessity.

2) The language of values keeps us in touch with the fact that our purposes are ongoing projects to which we freely renew our commitment as we go. The important values in our lives, such as a career or a marriage, involve long-term commitments. These values give structure to our lives over time, integrating the days and years into a whole that has meaning. The danger is that we will come to see them as commitments that we made at some point in the past and are now locked into. It is easy for such a goal to become our master rather than our servant, a new form of duty rather than a means to our happiness and well-being.

"I have a sales meeting to attend this week; it's not my favorite activity, but it's part of my job. Yes, theoretically I could quit, but that would totally disrupt my life. I made this bed and now I have to lie in it. So I have to go to the meeting." This is the lament of someone whose goals have fossilized into duties. Though he takes responsibility for his current situation, his situation is one of passively responding to external demands rather than actively pursuing his happiness. When it seems more natural to say "I have to" than "I want to," it's time to pause and take stock. Even if I decide to stay in an unsatisfying job, I can still reaffirm that choice every day by seeking out valueeven in a boring meeting.

3) The language of values helps us to make specific choices. Everyone has more things to do than time to do them. One of the certainties of life is that there will be things not crossed off the list at the end of the week. To decide which things to do and which to let go, the rational approach is to put each task in context: what goal does it serve? how important is it to achieving that goal? how much do I value the goal in the first place? If I think in terms of "want-to," these questions arise automatically and I can adjust the use of my time to my long-range values.

But if I think in terms of "have-to," my mind does not pose the important questions. "Have-to's" tend to be all alike: Divorced from the hierarchy of my values, they present themselves in single file, making identical demands on my time. My decisions about how to spend time feel arbitrary; I feel guilty at what's left undone, or I put it off to be done in some unspecified future (which in fact will be filled with its own fresh crop of "have-to's").

4) The language of values can infuse even menial tasks, like taking out the trash, with the significance of the goals they serve. There is no voice in the sky commanding me to take out the trash. I am free to let it accumulate in the kitchen if I am prepared to live with the odor, the clutter, and the danger to my health. But in fact I value a clean and orderly environment. It's intrinsically satisfying to have a home that is comfortable and aesthetically pleasing, not overrun with litter. As soon as I focus on why I want to take out the trash, it becomes a way of experiencing this value concretely.

Most of the things we feel we have to do are instrumental values: things that we do as means to further ends but that are not enjoyable in themselves. It is the further ends, the things we find intrinsically satisfyinglike creative work, a romantic relationship, a good conversation, a moving aesthetic experiencethat give meaning to our lives. Yet much of our time is spent on instrumental tasks. It is worth the mental effort to keep these tasks firmly connected to the intrinsically valuable ends they serve, making them things we want to do.

Ayn Rand's great achievement as a philosopher was to prove that all values are instruments in the service of life. Her great achievement as a novelist was to show, through her heroes, how the passionate commitment to one's life can invest every moment, every task, every instrumental value with intrinsic meaning. "No matter what night preceded it, [Dagny] had never known a morning when she did not feel the rise of a quiet excitement that became a tightening energy in her body and a hunger for action in her mindbecause it was the beginning of day and it was a day of her life.... She sat down at her desk, smiling in defiance at the distastefulness of her job. She hated the reports that she had to finish reading, but it was her job, it was her railroad, it was morning."

For all these reasons, I have found it a useful exercise to stop short whenever I find myself thinking "I have to," and to ask: Do I want to? Think of how liberating it feels to wake up on a day off with the realization "there's nothing I have to do today." This is not an experience we should reserve for Saturday mornings, or the first day of vacation. It's true every day of our lives.

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 29, 2000

Answers

Eve, this is a good one. I admit I scanned only scanned it. I'll come back later to go over it with my fine-toothed comb.

This is a BIG pet peeve of mine. I admit to being a bit prideful in this area. I get in people's faces about the "I have to do..." crap every single day.

I believe it is a way folks push responsibility off themselves. If you have to do something, it means you are under the compunction of someone else. Not MY fault! Not MY choice! BS!

This statement, "I have to" also allows people to be lazy thinkers. No need to make a decision, "I have to do such & such". BS!

There's not a damn thing I have to do. Even death comes to me, not I to it. I choose to perform hundreds of actions each day. I take responsibility for these decisions.

Time to take my blood pressure medication.

-- Bingo1 (howe9@shentel.net), May 29, 2000.

Ive got three words that will elevate your quality of life:

I WANT TO!

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), May 29, 2000.

I agree totally with what has been posted. I am responsible for every decision I make-I am a co-creator with God in my life, and each choice I make is a chance to define Who I Am and Who I Want to Be. This philosphy removes a victim mentality from my life. In a real way the results of my life are an accumulation of all the small decisions- not necessarily the major ones.

I would be fooling myself if I were to believe I HAD to do anything. Everything IS a choice, and my happiness is entirely up to me. This is a difficult lesson, but one I am glad I have learned-Outside circumstances do not make the person, and no one can steal my peace of mind when I decide they cannot.

I believe the universe is a giant xerox machine, and will give to me whatever I believe is real. Though I do not believe in religious practice, I do read religious texts, and in the new testament it states somewhere that "proper" prayer is a knowingness in advance that the state wished for already exists. This is difficult to execute, but beautiful, I imagine, to fully execute.

Along these lines, one can see that all terminations from employment initiated by an employer are really at your request at some level. You cannot get what you do not allow into your life. This may be controversial, but I believe it is at the center of our being.

Thanks for posting, Eve.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), May 29, 2000.

Eve:

Yes...another good one. Do you remember the self-help book written many years ago entitled When I say "NO", I feel guilty? The theme was somewhat familiar in that folks ASSUME that you'll drop whatever you had on YOUR agenda to help them in a pinch, and YOU feel guilty when you say, "No." My oldest daughter was once famous for this ruse. She'd put something off because SHE had "more important" things to do and then expect ME to handle the task FOR her. She finally learned after I began telling her "Procrastination on YOUR part does NOT constitute an emergency on MINE."

It's almost comical to start a day with lists of things one must do and notice that if one accomplishes not one thing on the list the world doesn't end.

The author is correct in that we oftentimes want to spare people's feelings by stating [even believing] that we "have to" do something. I remember once dating a guy after my divorce. We'd set up a date for one evening but the day had been action-filled, the kids had knocked over a plant-stand, and an hour before I was to meet him I looked at a carpet full of dirt and called to cancel our date. He wasn't willing to accept a cancellation. He used every guilt-rap he could imagine and exceeded my mom in this "skill." Finally, I simply said, "Okay, Patrick. The bottom-line here is that I'd rather vacuum dirt than go out with you tonight."

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 29, 2000.

"Okay, Patrick. The bottom-line here is that I'd rather vacuum dirt than go out with you tonight."

LOL! Ouch. (But it sounds like the guy deserved it.)

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), May 29, 2000.

Shrug.

When people say "I have to ...", it is usually just shorthand for "I choose to, but reluctantly, because this is one of the requirements of my choice that I find unsatifying or distasteful, and I wish I could avoid it and still get what I chose - but sad to say, I can't."

-- Brian McLaughlin (brianm@ims.com), May 29, 2000.

At the risk of turning this thread into a serious discussion, I'll bring up a personal dilemma. We've got two mainframe programmers in this household who have been unemployed for quite some time now. I spend a fair amount of time developing skills in other areas of IT, but no one is willing to hire one with those skills without paid experience under their belt.

Sometime in the last week, we were discussing WHY we insisted on getting jobs in the field we've always known. We're both educated. There are certainly other fields that would accept us, and we may even enjoy these fields. I then think about my mom. The "sandwiched generation" has both children and parents to consider. My mom's money is running low. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay over half of her expenses at the type-B facility in 1998, but I wasn't able to do this since. I was fortunate enough to toss $5-$10,000 into her savings each year previous to 1998, and even encouraged one brother to toss in $5,000 as well. None of us are in a position to do this right now.

My PREFERENCE would be for my mom to enjoy the private type-B facility in which she's resided since she moved to Texas. I've been pursuing jobs with the goal in mind that I must be offered enough money to support both HER and myself, AND help the kids when their cars break down, etc. If I take a job in another field [even a field I may enjoy more], I most assuredly will eventually be required to move my mom into a place that accepts Medicare versus cash. My mind has been playing with this for quite some time. I've always said, "I have to keep mom in THAT place." Do I?

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 29, 2000.

Anita,

You're wise to consider other options. You have a couple of things on the table here. First off, do you have friends or acquaintances who have elders in other facilities who could give you some feedback? What are her options, should her health take a turn for the worse? Do you have the appropriate paperwork filled out where you can find it in an emergency?

You've contributed much to this forum. I think you may consider different fields of endeavor more rewarding, perhaps in other than financial respects.

-- flora (***@__._), May 29, 2000.

Anita, I am sorry to say I don't have sufficient time to write a long reply - leaving the country soon and things are hectic. But, consider carefully whether or not you have defined yourself as "the kind of person who will always..." IOW, have you set yourself a trap by making a life-choice of huge proportions and then doggedly set about fullfilling that choice, come hell or high water.

I know that I fell into a similar self-created trap in regard to my daughter. I simply felt I had to meet certain self-defined obligations of a "good parent". In the meantime, by trying to be superhuman, I was tearing myself down into a wreck. At last I realized (with help) that at some point very near future, I was going to dive below the water for the third time and never come back up. Thus becoming not a "good parent" but a "broken person".

I needed to do a deep and very painful reassessment of my standards in light of a reality I had not reckoned on when I set the standards for myself. Just make sure you aren't setting yourself up for a fall,OK?

Good luck.

-- Brian McLaughlin (brianm@ims.com), May 29, 2000.

Mornin' y'all,

Thanks so much for your interesting input.

Bingo 1,

I thought your post was actually a nice, concise little addendum to the essay. Pretty cool for just a scan.

FutureShock,

Yours as well...And I'm sure I could spend all day talking with you about the implications of some of the other interesting ideas you brought up. I mean you could almost start three or four separate threads with some of the ideas you threw in!

Brian,

I use the shorthand a little too much; the author gives some good reasons, though, why it may not be such a good idea. Alas, I'm still workin' on it...

Anita,

Your "I'd rather vacuum dirt than go out with you tonight," was not only funny, but you didn't say that you "had to" vacuum the dirt, which was really cool. And the book sounds interesting, but I don't recall it. Do you know the author?

Regarding your mom's situation...It looks like you're already aware that it's your choice, just by the way you worded the first sentence in your paragraph, "My PREFERENCE would be..." In other words, "I would WANT..." But WHY do you want it? Could you describe the major differences between the facilities in terms of quality of life?. How important is it to your mom as to which facility she's in? What is the likelihood that you'll be in bigger financial trouble and even less able to help her if you guys continue to hold out, waiting on jobs in your field that may not materialize? Is it possible that you really want to try out new careers that you'll enjoy more, and holding back for your mom would cause some resentment? As I'm sure you know, resentment can damage relationships in insidious ways -- lots of times we're not even consciously aware of the resentment, as well as the slow damage that's taking place.

Do you think it's possible that (assuming the inferior facility isn't a horrible situation that could put her at risk) if you concentrate on what would make you happy, that in itself could have a very positive effect on your relationship with your mom that might even outweigh any perceived negatives at the inferior facility she could be in? I think it's possible.

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 30, 2000.

Thanks for the feedback on the "mom" question. Brian, I set myself up for this one so many years ago that I can barely remember how it began. My mom and dad were never independent people, it seems, and I allowed myself to progressively assume all the decision-making when they didn't know what to do. I bought their tickets to return to Norway, handled all the documents for their passports, helped them move when they retired, found a house and helped them move in when they decided to move back, etc. When my mom tried to kill herself, my dad called me. "What should I do?" *I* called 911. After that, *I* found them an independent living facility. They'd never had a checking account, so I paid their bills. When my dad died, my mom called ME. "What should I do?" "Pull the cord!" "You're not coming?" "Yes, I'm coming, but right now, pull the cord!"

I've backed off on MANY occasions, realizing that the more I do the more I'm EXPECTED to do, and also realizing that this is not healthy. Financially, it's hard to anticipate how long folks will live. When I helped them move to the first Independent Living facility, I calculated 18 years worth of money with my dad's retirement, social security, and their savings. Of course when my dad died, mom lost the retirement benefits, as well as his portion of the social security. Then, mom fell and broke her hip and needed round-the-clock care, which I paid in ADDITION to the rent at the IL facility. She got better from the hip, but a year later fell again and her neurologist [She's epileptic] suggested that she couldn't live in an IL facility without constant supervision. It was then that I asked her if she'd like to move to Texas. Her money would stretch farther in a type-B facility than at the IL facility with extended care needs. I was concerned that she wouldn't want to leave her friends. She said, "What do YOU think is best?"

I found a nice facility nearby where I lived at the time. The monthly rent was cheaper than the IL facility and included round-the- clock staff. She adjusted well to the new environment and eventually made friends at the new place. The place was smaller than her old apartment, so we had to hone down her possessions once again. She's a collector. She has antique dishes and jewelry and takes great pride in her "things." She's been able to maintain the bedroom suite that she and dad have had since they were married. She has a small refrigerator, microwave, and electric coffee pot and makes oatmeal and coffee in the morning for breakfast.

Type-B facilities work on a graduated scale. Basic care is cheaper than advanced needs. If one becomes totally bed-bound, one would need to move to another facility. Incontinence needs, wheelchair needs, are available at an increased price. Medication needs are available at an increased price, and I've had to step her up when she started taking the wrong pills on the wrong day.

In comparison, the facilities that accept Medicare put two folks in one smaller room. One of mom's friends asked her once if she would be willing to share a room at the type-B facility and she told her "No. I like living alone." She falls asleep watching T.V. at night. She wants to be able to call me just to talk. The Medicare facilities have T.V. rooms, but none in individual rooms. They have phones, but none in individual rooms, and I highly doubt that they have my phone number programmed so that she only need push A.

So, bottom-line difference is: She'd lose her friends [including her bookie], lose her treasures, lose her privacy, lose her memories of my dad, lose her T.V. and phone freedoms. The food at either place seems comparable, and they both offer activities, music, bingo, etc. My concern is that depression will set in. Right now, she can walk well enough to take trips outside the home using a walker and an arm, but each year her legs get weaker. Initially, I could invite her over more often, but if she loses mobility completely, she's stuck without the treasures that amuse her for hours on end.

Eve: The book was written by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. in 1975.

Thanks again, everyone, for the suggestions.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 30, 2000.

Anita,

I'm sorry I don't have any magic solutions to offer you,I wish I could come up with one of my better McGyver fixes and alleviate the stress I know must be weighing heavy on your heart.Having not gone through this dilemma yet I'm more than a little out of my experience range but knowing you I have full faith that you will make the wisest of decisions.

Regarding phone issue; Might want to try a Cricket cell phone,$30.00 a mo. local calling,I hear they work well.

PS,Maybe your Mom could go on a lucky gambling binge? (bookie,image in head is cause for BIG grin early this am).

Good luck hon and God bless : )

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), May 30, 2000.

In this life the only thing we must do is die.Everything else is choice.

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), May 30, 2000.

Capn:

"I'm sorry I don't have any magic solutions to offer you..."

You just DID offer a magic solution to the PHONE problem. D'OH! [Why didn't I think of a cell phone?] If cell phones are programmable, I could program in the number of her bookie as well as my own. $30.00/month is NOTHING compared to the $2,000 she pays just for rent. My daughter could even be the "runner"...Mom could place her bets by phone, I could give the money to my daughter, and my daughter could deliver the money to the bookie.

In addition, I told SO about this conversation and I learned that I may be confusing a nursing-home environment with a type-B Medicare supported environment [I don't know yet whether these exist.] Keep those thoughts coming folks. Multiple heads ARE better than 1.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 30, 2000.

Anita,

Cool,gotta be good for something,glad I may have helped.

Just out of curiosity,what does Mom like to wager on?

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), May 30, 2000.

Capn:

Horses. I had mom for dinner on Friday. I asked her if she had enough money. She said she still had plenty. Today she called and said she didn't have money to get her hair washed. It turns out that Pat [her bookie and fellow resident] borrowed $5.00 to bet on the horses last weekend, and she gave him another $5.00 to place a bet for her. Pat's always borrowing money to play the horses, but he always promptly repays.

Remember how I mentioned mom had broken her hip? She fell backwards onto a bench or something on one of those casino boats. In Illinois the residents at the IL facility nicknamed her Lucky because she always wins at bingo. They played for cash at that facility. Down here the only prizes are candy. She has a refrigerator half full of candy and shares it with her friends. She and Pat sit together at Bingo and they both win. I keep hoping she'll grow out of this phase. [grin]

-- Anita (Aita_S3@hotmail.com), May 31, 2000.

Anita,

Can she go to the gamblin' boat whenever she wants? Hell,buy her a pass and let the woman go fullfill her destiny,she just might be a true Riverboat Gambler.To hell with the candy,thats like playing for matches,great for a pyro but....

I know a handicapped dude that can't work but earns his cash on one of those boats and they love him,let Momma spread her wings,if she does well she will feel as if she is earning her keep,if not,she is having one good time and is happy.(limits apply when losing)

Maybe she should pick the Lotto numbers for moi?

Your Mom sounds feisty to me,I like her even though I have never met her.Tell her Capnfun said good luck at the wagering tables.

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), May 31, 2000.

Anita, do you have any kind of feel for the chances that you guys will find work in your fields soon? Because if you don't, you really won't have a choice regarding your mom at some point. What about one of you holding out while the other goes into something else?

Now that you've laid out the situational differences, I can see more clearly the dilemma you're in -- you've got a tough one there; you don't want her to lose practically everything that's of value to her. And a depression can practically be a killer if it's deep. I've been down that road.

Btw, thanks for the info on the book; I think I'm gonna get it.

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 01, 2000.

Capn:

There aren't any riverboats of which I'm aware here in Texas. She's not capable any longer of stepping into or out of a boat anyway. She's a bit confused when a sidewalk has a low step. Someone at her facility in Illinois suggested she play the lottery. It isn't her forte. She lost every time.

Eve: A few days ago I posted to a geriatric forum and received a response yesterday. I called the numbers recommended and there does seem to be a program, CBA, Community Based Alternatives, that has limited funding to support folks in type-B facilities that accept non- cash payments. I talked to a representative by phone yesterday and she said someone will contact me within two months about an application. The program is so small that only 6 or 7 type-B facilities engage, and the word has been getting out, so there's typically a waiting list. I was told that I could utilize a "loop- hole" and get bumped to the top of the waiting list if I put my mom in a nursing home. As I mentioned above, this would eliminate all her possessions unless I put them in storage hoping for her name to be bumped.

Regarding the job thing, I'm the only one who pays for my mom. SO and I support our own. Had I known things would be stagnant for THIS long, I would have looked ahead and made arrangements previously. You're right, however, there may be no choice.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 01, 2000.

Just a quick update on this one. First, the folks said they'd get back to me within two WEEKS, not two months. That was MY error. Secondly, I spoke with an Ombudsman today who told me about 4 type-B facilities that are within the CBA realm of payment. She also explained the details of the program and said this was a good time to apply, as funding is cyclical. Thirdly, mom called and I confessed my activities regarding a possible move being imminent. I explained that she could still have her furniture, treasures, TV, phone, etc., but just not at the place wherein she currently resides. I even told her that she could continue placing bets with her bookie by phone. She wasn't at all upset [that I could tell], stating that she hadn't really any close friends at the facility anyway. It's a start.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 01, 2000.