Funny Boner? : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.


A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


ANKARA, Turkey. (AFP '97) - A 52-year-old Turkish man was shot in the leg over his attempts to have a penis transplant from a donkey. On two previous occasions Mehmet Esirgen, 52, purchased donkeys, amputated their sexual organs and appealed in vain to doctors to perform a transplant in order to cure his sexual impotence. His family, opposed to the plan, became hysterical when he purchased a third donkey on his way home from Ankara and one of his sons shot him.

"For a long time now I have had sexual problems and I have spent all my pension funds to overcome them." said Esirgen. He plans to buy a fourth donkey as soon as he recovers from his wound.

-- The Joker! (joker@wild.blackjack), May 24, 2000


A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ... Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.

"Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"

The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."


As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"


I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself. ---Dakota Shepard


One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."


"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin


"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters." - Alice Thomas Ellis


"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away." - Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie


Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but only one man even ventured a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"You must have a lot of experience with newborns," said the nurse.

"Oh, no," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how could you guess the weight of a baby so closely?"

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."


During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No, sir," a student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"


My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason.

Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor.

I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going to get the work done?"


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

"You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."


-- The Joker! (joker@wild.blackjack), May 24, 2000.

Oh man, I thought this thread was going to be about Clinton's penis...


-- Sysman (, May 24, 2000.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment."


True Stories from Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? == Carol

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? == Wondering

Dear Wondering:

The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? == Sam

Dear Sam:

Yes, run for public office.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. == Rose

Dear Rose:

So would I.

/\/\/\/\/\ Dear Abby:

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? == Bess

Dear Bess:

Night and day.


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."


A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"


Funny IRS story - true?

Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!

I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first.

In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, >beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of the remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "R's." It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,


(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund)

-- The Joker! (joker@wild.blackjack), May 25, 2000.

Terrible jokes.

But funny.


-- (retired@nd.happy), May 25, 2000.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

-- The Joker! (joker@wild.blackjack), May 25, 2000.

Subject: Forty Years Later

A husband and wife were out for a drive through the countryside. They reached a familiar spot and the wife said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The husband stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her like a bass on a Junebug. They made love like never before.

She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED!

After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded said: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember."

The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, said:


-- Willy (from@old.Philly), May 25, 2000.

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