[hoping the formatting stays....probably won't

Well, der once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor President Couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest.

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta-ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Lewinski's on her knees; Mouth open wide and as happy as she please; Bill sez "yeah, now don't you say a thing; If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job that is. Phallic Osculation. Tube steak boogie.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress. He said "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited back to this fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of ole little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da Presidential staff. Executive boner.

So week after week Miss Lewinski's on her knees. Keepin' Willie and his wiener just as happy as ya please. But when she figured out dat da fling had gone too far, She blabbed to Linda Tripp, and she blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Wire-taps.

Well, it weren't too long before all us knew da score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door. Da country's in da toilet and da people cry "No more!" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head up his rear.

So now ya know da story about Bill our President. He's a wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent. So da moral of dis story is ta do it quietly, And ta stay outta trouble with da wife, Hillary.

-- your full name (your@email.addy), May 23, 2000

Answers

This is a quiz for professionals - Scroll through slowly...and no peeking at the answers. The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". The questions are not that difficult. Please answer the question before looking at the answer.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

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-- your full name (your@email.addy), May 23, 2000.

To me this only confirms my long-standing suspicions: The doper gnomes at Anderson Consulting have way too much time on their hands.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), May 23, 2000.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

-- your full name (your@email.addy), May 23, 2000.