The Ex Files : LUSENET : I Wasn't Built to Get Up at this Time : One Thread

Can ex's ever still be friends?

-- Tim (, May 11, 2000


I would have to say yes. I am friends, indeed, good friends, with all but one of my exes. I guess it depends more on the person, tho. Circumstances make a bit of a difference, but the way I am just makes it so that if ever I was close enough friends with someone to be going out with them, then I just can't bear the thought of losing them as a friend. It always takes a while, of course - one in particular I didn't talk to for months, and we didn't see each other for about ... oh. hmm. 9 months? But he's one of my best friends again now. Another - good lord. Didn't see him for a couple years. a year and a half or more, at least. We kept in touch off and on (off for a good long time) via email, and then he ended up at my university, and we're friends again, and good ones at that. He knows me well, and has told me that talking to me makes him feel at home. So the short answer would be yes, it is possible. But as with any other friendship, it takes work, and it additionally takes forgiveness and a willingness to let the past be past. But is is indeed possible.

Libbet (wow, my first post. :)

-- Libbet (, May 11, 2000.

no, unless the relationship was just lukewarm, it's almost impossible to remain friends with your ex. especially in the first year. usually the person who was dumped will get angry every time they see their ex, or they will have false hopes about re-uniting with him/her. just trust me, it's pretty hard and tends to cause more heartache than is really necessary. take a break from each other.

-- charlotte (, May 11, 2000.

I can't talk from personal experience, having never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), never mind an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, but assuming I did (as everyone else assumes), I'm still on v. good terms with him, even though we live a long way apart.

I think it depends how J deals with the situation, though. If she's come to believe you two will get married and have copious amounts of children and has decided who to invite to the wedding, it's going to be difficult. If, on the other hand, she ends up feeling more or less the same way as you, then it should work out fine.

-- Zed, The Jedi With A Golden Bed (don't ask) (, May 12, 2000. can be's just difficult. And, mind you, it is difficult for both parties - even the one doing the dumping.

The guilt, my friend, is very hard to overcome. You are probably still going to want to call her and see her and all that - because you care about her and you want to MAKE SURE everything is ok and that she doesn't hate you.

Well, trust me. For a little while, she's going to hate you. Give her a few months, however, let her meet someone else and mend the ol' heart a little - and she'll be your friend again. It's good of you to want to be friends - if you're sincere, she'll probably realize it, and you can work it out.

-- Allison (, May 12, 2000.

Well, no. And if you do, may God have rest on your soul. You see, if you actually do stay "friends", you're fighting things like jealousy, resentment, pity, and liking her and breaking up all over again.

-- Jenny (: (, May 12, 2000.

Speaking from personal experience, I think it's possible, but it's REALLY REALLY weird! Especially at the end of phone conversations where there's that awkward pause where you normally would've said "I love you" but you don't do that anymore. It's more like, "Sooo... I guess I'll talk to you later... Um....Bye."

-- becca (, May 14, 2000.

Two years later; we're friends, and he's gay.

-- Petra (, May 23, 2000.

it really depends on what kinds of people the two of you are. if you are both WILLING to be friends, then it can be done. But even if one of you doesn't want to be friends, then it won't work. You can't force a friendship.

Unless you surprise them with a dozen red long-stemmed roses, a box of chocolates, a whole new wardrobe, and front-row tickets to an awesome concert (or sport), of course.

There was this one guy who I had been friends with since kindergarten and we went out. After the first date i knew it wouldn't work out, and we've been the best of friends ever since. But there was another guy who I was practically best friends with before we went out, but afterwards he hated my guts. He still hates me, even after three months. Some people are just too immature to handle a civilized breakup, eventhough he broke up with me. It's sad, really.

-- Jessica (, October 09, 2000.

I've seen this question somewhere. *thinks*

Ah. It's on my board, too :)

-- Rasee (, October 09, 2000.

If anything, I live in the poster family that's testiment to that: my parents have been divorced for 8 years and hang out together to the point where I have to tell people 'No, they're not getting married again.'

Living with that has more than likely (all right definitely!) swayed my views on the topic. :)

And I've had experiences that say you can... but I've also had ones where you can't. And right now I'm going through one where I'm standing in the middle of the road, trying to figure out the best option.

I know where you're coming from.

-- Sarah (, October 10, 2000.

No matter how many people you ask, you're bound to get as many different answers. Presently, I am attempting to be friends with my ex, and, dare i say it, it's working. That is, if you define 'working' as experiencing pangs of jealousy every time you see them with a member of the opposite sex, or secretly wishing it's them when you pick up the phone (and then when it is, you smile a really big grin and hope that no one notices that you are so obviously not over them), or even get into stupid fights that would be of no significance if you had not, at one time or another, dated. But yeah, I guess it can work, if you can admit to yourself that it's going to take awhile before things are back to 'normal,' whatever that may be.

-- Denise (, October 10, 2000.

If you're anything like me, it is purely impossible. I always leave relationships with hard feelings and I cannot reestablish communication with the person without feeling resentment and anger towards them and our breakup. I always feel the need to resolve something about our relationship and I cannot view them as simply a friend when they used to be so much more.

-- Lesley (, October 10, 2000.

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