Calling in Sickgreenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Lynn, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
-- Debra (email@example.com), May 06, 2000
I take it this isn't a *personal* story, or did your parent's love Johnny Cash?
-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), May 06, 2000.
One thing I've learned about cats (have two 9-yr-olds, raised 'em up from 2-wk-old orphans) is to sleep with something more than just a sheet on top, no matter how hot it might be.
We play games where I run my hand under the covers, and they 'attack'....but that has repercussions sometimes.
The tom loves to sleep on the bed, and is vurry playful....sometimes if ANYthing moves, he'll jump on it, as if on a mouse. Has claws from hell too.
I sleep sans, have for decades; once was having an erotic dream (imagine that). A hot summer night, and evidently the dream was having an effect on the physiognomy. The dreaming subject evidently rolled over in bed as a result of some dreamed event; the tomcat saw movement beneath the sheet, and attacked as per habit. Said attack was dead on target.
Subject of attack immediately woke and screamed bloody murder, at which the attacker quickly fled. (Thank gosh.)
Subject of attack now sleeps with more cover, and runs the air conditioner on warm nights. A higher electric bill is a reasonable price to pay, compared to possible considerable damage risked by the cheaper former alternative.
-- Chicken Little (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 06, 2000.
Guys named "Debra" who have a package must be really, really tough...
-- Uncle Bob (email@example.com), May 06, 2000.
You should have posted this under most embarassing moment....This is TOOOO funny.
I have 2 male cats, my fav saying is : pushing pussies off da bed.
I gotta ask hubby if they ever play w/his toys?
-- consumer (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 06, 2000.
Have you read "A Cat's Revenge" by Claude Balls?
Gee, Debra/Ed, and to think I was going to flirt with you.
-- (email@example.com), May 06, 2000.
True or false, makes no difference, funniest bit I've read for some time. Thanks for the good laugh. Having four cats, it's often very hard to know who is running who. I lose more often than not.
-- Richard (Astral-Acres@webtv.net), May 06, 2000.
Debra, you're a dude? Oh man, I'm going to have to be careful how nice I am to you from now on. :-) The Internet sure is strange sometimes.
-- Hawk (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 06, 2000.
A boy named Debra?
So you can really empathize with our friend in the story huh?
Uncle Bob -
I have a "package" alright ... just not THAT kind!
Had I posted this under "Most Embarassing Moments" along with the one I already did about "being in the box" while 8 months pregnant I'd have some explaining to do! LOL
Haven't read "A Cat's Revenge" by Claude Balls. How about posting it? (oh and BTW ... it's safe to flirt away!)
Funniest I've read for some time too. I had a great laugh and wanted to share.
Funny thing ... before this BB I used to use a neutral handle and everyone always thought I was male. I never let them know one way or the other.
It's not "my" story!
Know what happens when these "cute little kittys" grow up? They develop the CATTITUDE!
(Make sure your sound is on for the best effect)
-- Debra (email@example.com), May 06, 2000.
Emailed that to hubby, after he kicked the cat out of the air conditioner box!!!
Funny thing is that looks JUST like my cat.
things that make ya go hmmmm
-- consumer (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 06, 2000.
I am ROFLMAO! Thank you for such laughter! First belly laugh I had today! And boy do I have a belly to laugh with!
-- Belly (email@example.com), May 06, 2000.