In a world in which the effects of rascism and discrimination, including women and homosexuals, are still so noticeable, despite advances we have made, how does an affected person raise their children to not have reverse prejudice?

This question speaks to the fact that minority parents will sometimes instill in their children that the white man is bad and is out to get them. With people still being killed because they are "colored" or because they are gay, how do we stop our children from growing up with a vendetta? With women still getting paid less than men for similar work, what do we say to our little girls about their prospects in the world?

How do we raise our children to be fair, but not spare them the truth about our history? Tough questions. I am not sure I know the answers.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), April 30, 2000

Answers

Tell them that "Daddy is working late again, dear". It wasn't til many years later that I realized that this was enabler-speak.

-- (nemesis@awol.com), May 01, 2000.

FS:

This is what I told my kids.

1. Life is not fair. Don't use it as an excuse for why you're a scumbag.

2. Everyone has prejudices. That's part of the human condition. Some prejudices are well founded and others aren't. Learn to know the difference.

3. The world doesn't get better by itself. Only little changes by a lot of people make a lasting difference. Any small thing you can do to help make the world better contributes to the goal even if you never see it.

4. Stop whining and pay back the money you owe me :^)

-- Jim Cooke (JJCooke@yahoo.com), May 01, 2000.

nemesis:

Sounds like my family. It took 37 years of my life for my mother to say my father was an alcoholic and not a "borderline" alcoholic.

The truth was scarce when I was growing up-and unfortunately the rascist comments were always there-I am not surprised I have grown up to fight it. My entire family are rascists, much to my chagrin-I cannot believe my two sisters bought into it.

My family history was a revisionist history-the story never got retold the way it happened. But more to the point, if I had believed my father I would have went out of my way to denigrate people of race and would have had an entirely less satisfying life.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), May 01, 2000.

Future:

It doesn't stop with the parents. Peers have influence, as well. When my second daughter was perhaps 8 or 9 years old, she had a best friend who was black. These two were inseparable. They even had those necklaces where one wore half the heart and the other wore the other. If Jessica wasn't at our home, my daughter was at hers. I knew the parents quite well, as we were both actively involved in school and scouting activities with our kids.

One day my daughter came home crying. It seemed that Jessica had taken up with a black girl at school and the girl had convinced Jessica that she shouldn't be hanging around with white kids. I was disturbed, and called Jessica's folks to see if they could shed any light on this one. They were speechless. I know they talked to Jessica about it, but the friendship between our girls never did get back on track.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 01, 2000.

You don't tell your kids.....you show them. Peer pressure ain't got nothing on honest, communicative, listening parents. Life isn't fair, never is going to be fair, and you have to teach your children that fair is what they make...for themselves, and others. Teach them to speak up and out, and to be ready to take the consequences for doing so. Teach them to be non-conformists. But show them....don't tell them.

-- Kat (kat3@crosswinds.net), May 01, 2000.

Kat:

I completely agree with you. Leading by example is the highest form of education. "do as I say, not as I do" is not the route to go.

Jim:

Overall good advise. I am curious as to what a justified prejudice would be. I am not saying there could not be one-"prejudice" is a widely encompassing word.

Anita:

That is a very interesting story and is a living, breathing example of the reverse prejudice Cherri spoke about in another thread, and which sparked me to start this one.

I do not know how I escaped the rascism in my home-I guess something in my spirit knew it was wrong. If I had listened to my father I would have become something that today I would despise.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), May 01, 2000.

FS:

A "justified prejudice"? I use the definition from Webster's that says "Any preconceived opinion, either favorable or unfavorable". I think we always tend to assume that prejudice is an unfavorable opinion of someone or some group but that's just not the case. For example, it's pretty common for people to think that handsome men and beautiful women have many qualities that are "better" than the general population. That seems like a good example of a favorable prejudice that's preconceived without much justification.

An example of a justified prejudice would be walking down a dark street late at night. I see a guy coming toward me dressed in gang attire. He may be the nicest person in the world by my prejudice is that he's more likely to be a potential danger. That's preconceived but a prejudice that's likely to help me keep my wallet :^)

-- Jim Cooke (JJCooke@yahoo.com), May 01, 2000.

Jim:

Precisely the reason why I said the word prejudice was broad. And I appreciate the example.

You have a sharp mind and I knew you could come up with one.

Thanks.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), May 01, 2000.

Jim:

"An example of a justified prejudice would be walking down a dark street late at night. I see a guy coming toward me dressed in gang attire. He may be the nicest person in the world by my prejudice is that he's more likely to be a potential danger. That's preconceived but a prejudice that's likely to help me keep my wallet :^)"

I'm having a hard time getting off the forum today to attend to other things. I really wish you folks would refrain from posting such interesting thoughts.

The preconceived notions you've mentioned, Jim are perhaps at the root of many fears. In another thread, I mentioned how I grew up in a few neighborhoods on the South Side of Chicago. Every day in high- school I walked home several blocks from the bus-stop. There was a black street-gang that hung out in front of the store on the other end of my block. EVERY DAY I looked at those guys and said, "I see you guys STILL haven't found anything more productive to do than hang around on this corner." They simply smiled and [I have no doubt] thought "This is ONE crazy white chick."

Once grown, I learned how many stereotypes I had inside my OWN head. I thought there MUST be something DIFFERENT in folks who pierced their noses, navels, etc., and died their hair three colors not in the realm of "normal." I then met a woman who did all these things, and she meant NO ONE any harm. As time moved on, I had kids. I had kids who sat the Frankenstein doll and the Dracula doll at the same dinner table as the Strawberry Shortcake dolls. I questioned this. The kids simply said, "We all eat together."

Once my oldest got into high-school, baggy clothing had gone beyond gangster appeal. ALL the kids in Chicago wore this type of clothing. When we moved to Texas, we learned that the kids here didn't. My oldest daughter felt left out. Her tastes in clothing weren't honored at the high-school here. She met others who were ostracized due to their clothing. Her best friend to this day is a young woman whose mom bought her kids' clothing at thrift stores. The high-school principal took this girl aside and suggested that if she couldn't afford "decent" clothing, the school could help out. The girl said, "No thank you. I LIKE my clothes."

It was humorous and quite a learning experience to observe the friends of my children during the teen years. I remember another friend of my oldest coming over to share news of her tongue ring. She was/is the daughter of a prominent doctor in Arlington, TX, but chose to express herself by dying her blonde hair black, piercing her body, etc. She wouldn't hurt ANYONE. When I asked her how the ring felt when she ate, she said, "I haven't tried eating yet."

We have such expectations when we note differences in appearance. It's a learning experience when we find our expectations incorrect.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 01, 2000.

Anita,

A sister of mine moved back to Tennessee from LA when her son was a teenager. The patrons of the local market where he got an afterschool job swore that gravity had no effect at the checkstands where he stood with his droopy trousers.

{do I get the run-on sentence of the day award?}

-- flora (***@__._), May 01, 2000.