What's the story with family planning? I'm pragmatic, and think in terms of planning for a baby at the right stage in my career, when life will be easiest. My husband is romantic, and thinks that, one day, I'll just not fancy taking the pill anymore.

Has anybody consciously planned to get pregnant? Does anybody plan to? Or am I a big control freak? All advice gratefully accepted, before I start feeling like a crazed career bitch out of an '80s movie.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

Answers

Every one of my three sons were planned---which was a good thing, too, because when we decided to forego the pill or the condoms or the sponge (then)--we found infertility problems were the LEAST of our worries. As for WHEN you plan it...I can't presume to give you a good idea. (After our third, Barb volunteered to have her tubes tied--and yes, I volunteered for a vascectomy instead, but she thought she was "tougher" about that sort of thing that I was.) All our kids were planned to be two and a half years apart...close enough in age to play with each other, or demolish the house together, depending on how you look at it. And kids aren't cheap, so that's another thing in favor of planning...don't have one until you can reasonably swing the funds.--Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

My wife and I planned both our children (one still in utero). Our first three years of marriage was spent putting ourselves in a financial position where she didn't have to work outside the home, as they say, and so far she is loving life with our 20-month-old son. We put the first two pregnancies two years apart so that there will be time for a third before we get too far into our late thirties. I think a lot of people in our generation really plan the timing of their kids.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

We definitely planned to get pregnant. I can't imagine not planning to have a baby -- it's a *baby*, after all, not a visit to Starbucks or something. We discovered you don't always get pregnant when you were planning on it. So if you're thinking about having kids, don't wait too long -- it just gets harder.

That said...there is no good time to have a baby. :) They are a lot of work -- a whole lot more work than I ever imagined. They really do change your whole life.

There is no good time in a career to have a baby, and as time goes on it will probably just get tougher. (It was hard to decide when to take a *vacation* -- imagine scheduling 3 months of maternity leave.) Your attitudes about career may change. I know a few women who were gung-ho about work until they had a baby, and then they either stayed home or wanted to stay home but couldn't. Several changed the career paths they were on because becoming Vice President of Marketing didn't seem quite as important as doing something that allowed more time with the kids.

And then there are the women who are completely comfortable with being Vice President of Marketing. It depends on you and what you want.

I know several people who got pregnant by accident...women who knew what birth control is and how to use it. Several of these women got pregnant by accident more than once. I have no idea how many times it would take before you'd clue in that you might want to take charge of the situation. (It might be that they were amazingly fertile, which evidently I don't suffer from, so I don't know what getting pregnant by accident is like.)

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

I say do what you feel is right for you and plan that baby right down to the Zodiac sign! We planned our daughter who is now 6 months old, and I'm SO glad that we did. We both felt ready emotionally, our relationship was (and is) strong, I was at a point in my career where I wanted to stay home and be a mommy and we were financially able to give her a great childhood. I'm sure a suprise baby can be great too, sometimes big suprises come in little packages :)

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are odd because we got married first and then had our son who is now two months old. We planned the pregnancy as much as we could, I went off birth control and we were both hoping it would happen eventually but other than that we were pretty laid back about it since we knew it could take a while and we weren't in any huge hurry. I got pregnant four months after I went off the pill. I don't know if you ever know when the exact right time is or if you are ever fully sure if you're ready. Now I'm breastfeeding but we still don't want to take any chances so I'm on the mini-pill and we use condoms. As much as I love my baby I am not ready to do this again anytime soon and my husband feels the same way.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

I think planning has got to be a good idea, and not just in terms of your readiness emotionally and financially. Your health and your partners health preceding conception are also important.

For instance, going off the pill, if on it, some months before you plan to concieve and using some other form of birth control for at least 3 months is a good idea. Making sure you have sufficient folic acid and iron levels, before you conceive, making sure you are feeling generally healthy and are not on medication (like antibiotics) at the time of conception.

The first few days and weeks after conception that baby is growing faster than anything grows at any other time. I can't remember but it's doubling in size and weight phenomenally often. Comparitively it hardly grows at all during the last few months. So you can imagine how vital the health of the sperm and egg are, and the health of the mother during that time.

The sperm, also, takes about 11 weeks to grow - so your partner's health and nutrition during that time is also essential.

In case you can't tell, I am going through the planning stage! We are hoping to have a baby at the end of next year or thereabouts. I was just writing all about it the other day, inspired by Diane's birth story.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2000

Planning is an ideal, i guess. I woulnd't really know, since all three of my children were varying degrees of un-plannedness. The first, at 17 was sort of spur-of-the-moment planned, not that HE knew.. *ahem* That was more of a subconsience (sp?) planned event.

The next was, shall we say badly planned, since we were supposed to get married in a church in about 8 months. Then we got pregnant and eloped instead.

The last one we fully intended to plan to be a little later, since ALL 3 of my kids have birthdays in the same month. But the birth control pills I was taking at the tie did some lovely screwy things, and when i thoguht I was pregnant, i went of them and *bam* got pregnant.

I joke that in this house, all we have to do is start talking about even jokingly and it happens.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2000

Thanks so much for all your feedback, guys. I think you've reconfirmed what I suspected ... that I'm not horribly unromantic by actually wanting some control over when we procreate!

Kay, I thoroughly agree with your point regarding preparing to conceive. I'm working on being as healthy as possible and in as good a physical condition as possible this year, with a view to maybe going off the pill at the beginning of next year. I've just changed jobs, and if I was to stop working in the next nine months I'd be still at this point after a baby had been born, whereas I think if I have at least another year of work experience I'll be able to possibly use my time while 'with child' a little more effectively, and hopefully return to work slightly further along the food chain (yes, I know I may change all these priorities ... in fact, it's highly likely, but I suppose I can only plan for what I think I'll want, and just be prepared for variations!).

So, it's working hard, lots of vitamins and healthy eating and going to the gym this year, and off the pill next year. I can handle that, and I think that will work for Tristan as well.

I've said it in another thread, but I'll say it again - this forum is really great!

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2000

yes, I know I may change all these priorities ... in fact, it's highly likely, but I suppose I can only plan for what I think I'll want, and just be prepared for variations!

Exactly!

One of the best things about planning is the flexibility it gives you to change your plans easily!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

I've gone both routes (the first pregnancy, unplanned, ended in miscarriage) and I have to say that even though the first pregnancy was only 3 months in length, it was a lot scarier and caused a lot more tension between my (now) husband and I than the pregnancy we are going through right now, which was very much planned. Even if you love your partner with all your heart, if you have an 'unplanned' pregnancy, you don't have enough time to do the things you need to do to get ready for a baby. You start to think of all these things that you WISHED you had been able to do first. Not to mention, can you imagine how your child will feel when they find out they weren't actually wanted, at least not right at that moment? (Even if parents never breathe a word of you being an accident, you'll likely figure it out.)

So anyway, I have seen too many accidental pregnancies to believe it's a good idea. I mean, there are different degrees to the term "accident." It's one thing if you and your partner have at least TALKED about having children, both agreed that yes it would be nice someday, and generally agreed on your parenting philosophies and other crucial issues. It's a different story if you just forget to use a condom one time and now you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you had just not been so stupid.

But if you're trying to get pregnant, and you both agree, that's another story. that, my friends, can not be planned. trust me. Whoever said to plan your baby down to the birth sign certainly hasn't read my journal or the many journals out there of women who are consciously trying to get pregnant, without luck. Despite what you learned in junior high, it doesn't happen the first time you have unprotected sex. You never know which month is going to be the lucky one. So be prepared for anything, even an aquarius male child. Poor thing, you.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Stasi, I fully agree regarding unplanned pregnancies and the stress they can cause. My older sister got pregnant in her first year of law school, at the age of 19. She'd only been with the guy for three months. It all ended happily - they had the baby, got married later on, and now have a total of four gorgeous daughters, but talk about making life complicated for yourself!

A more recent (and scary) unplanned pregnancy I've witnessed is that of Sam, a woman I was working alongside (until she went on maternity leave). She didn't find out she was pregnant until eleven weeks into it, and she'd been merrily smoking, drinking and interior decorating up ladders all that time. She was gutted - she felt so worried she'd done something to damage the baby. By absolutely horrible coincidence, the baby has apparently got a hole in its heart and will need to be operated on the day after it's born. The doctors have assured her it's not her fault, but she feels dreadful. Poor girl - it's been horrible to witness.

My little sister was off the pill for a year before she got pregnant - her baby is due in September this year, and I'm going home specifically to see her looking large (she's normally of stick-like proportions, so I've got to see this with my own eyes).

You've all convinced me that planning this to some degree is the way to go, while remaining open to the idea that it won't necessarily go according to plan! Stasi, I'd really appreciate it if you could email the url to your journal!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Stasi: An Aquarius male child.

YIIIIIIKES.

Been there, dated that.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Ha!

Yes, everyone use condoms this month... avoid the aquarius birth!

heheheheh

(of course if you're an aquarius, I'm not talking about you, you must be the exception to the rule. yeah, you.)

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2000

Well, I'm an Aquarius girl, and we rock the world, but yes, Aquarius men are scary freak boys in my experience.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Yup. My roommate's an Aquarius too. Fun girl...

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Aquarius men? Been there, lost my virginity to that. Why didn't you people warn me?

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Beth, I committed two fundamental sins rolled into one - I went out with an Aquarian man who was also my best friend. Needless to say it all ended in tears. I also had a major crush on a friend of mine, another Aquarian man. I yearned for this guy for about six years (I'm nothing if not dedicated), and remained friends with him the whole time. We finally got it together just before I moved to England (because I had a weird feeling it was now or never, and sure enough, I was engaged in London a year later, so it just goes to show you should always 'I must have you now!' feelings). Anyway, having had six years to observe him at close quarters I played our sordid affair very cool, and was even more detached than he was, which freaked him out big time (his long term girlfriend before that was an emotional Cancerian, whereas I was an emotional Aquarian pretending to be a detached Aquarian.

It was great ... I wouldn't be seen with him in public because of the scandals that would ensue (it's great to be melodramatic when you're 22); I kept going out drinking instead of seeing him ... I played him at his own game and won. Four years later we're still great friends. But he's a nutter. And the less said about my crazy ex- boyfriend the better.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Hey, don't look at me, Beth, I lost mine to one too.

Though when I think about it, the only guys I've been serious about were all born in January. This is worrisome.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Strange, my last boyfriend was with an Aquarius fella and he wasn't a freak at all, even though he was an actor. Except for the ending, it was probably the best relationship I'd ever had. Considering I'm a Taurus gal and we're supposed to not get along at all, that's pretty amazing.

Maybe it's because he's got a Cancer rising and my rising sign is Virgo. Or his Venus is in Aries and mine is in Pisces. Or his moon being in Pisces and mine in Cancer. Or...

Or cause he's actually a nice guy, though a coward of monumental proportions.

Though what this all has to do with planning a baby, I don't know.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000

Hear, hear! I thought going off topic was some kind of crime around here.

A couple things:

- Most Aquarians were born in February.

- Astrology has no basis in fact. The various planets rising, falling, culminating, or whatever else they might be seen as doing, as a person moves from the womb into the world, does not have any effect on one's personality. Give me a break. - Astrology appeals to people because it offers a convenient way out of life's responsibilities. Instead of assuming responsibility for our actions, we can simply say that the stars weren't right, or even that the stars made me do it. Believers in astrology can wake up in the morning and read what the day holds in store for them, instead of thinking about what they have in store for the day. They can read about what is going to fall into their laps, instead of thinking about how they're going to have to go about achieving their hopes and dreams.

You determine your destiny, not the stars.

Oh - and us Aquarians are not all scary freak boys. Sheesh. I am living proof of that.

Now let's get back on topic. Going off topic around here was treated like some kind of crime on that other thread. The topic was, "Babies - planned or spur of the moment?"

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000

What _is_ the deal with Aquarian men?

My absolute nightmare of a relationship was with one. Six years. Ugh. And I'm a Pisces, supposed to be able to get along with any sign, more or less. That whole wishy-washy thing, yes? Maybe that's why it took so long for me to bail out.

(I looked up my sign on that horoscope link you had the other day, Beth. For Pisces it said "Nobody fucks like the fishies." Heh.)

I'm now happily ensconced with a Scorpio. Be still my heart...

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Carol: I'm a Taurus, and the Aquarius was my best relationship too. Though I got dumped in a similar way, having no idea there was anything wrong until he said it. (His explanation was that he wasn't sure and wanted to wait until he was. Oy.)

I tend to like scary freak boys, myself- though no, the other guy I mentioned was not an Aquarius, but both were January folks. The Capricorn was supposed to be more compatible with me, but he was a total workaholic. Bleech!

And while I don't really believe horoscopes and whatnot, I will say that there are a LOT of similarities between people of the same sign that makes me wonder. The Tauruses in my family are incredibly similar to each other. All the Aquarians I know are brilliant flakes. The Aries folks have fun obnoxious streaks. I tend to know a lot of people in those three signs. Hmmmmm....

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Hold up!

So like most of you have had bad experiences with Aquarius men? Where were you guys about six months ago?

I lost my viriginity to one as well, and he was my best friend, and now we hardly ever talk. He was such a non-emotional freak. I think the only time he really ever showed any emotion what-so-ever was when I was in a car wreck, and the next day he acted like nothing had happened.

Sorry to get off topic. I just found that interesting.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Six months ago I was...breaking up with the Aquarius and crying. Mine is more emotional, but is really freaking out at the moment.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

all us aquarians are'nt freaks...sun sign astrology is'nt perfect.... study the guy's chart to find out the compatibility

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2001

Well, the girl is an aquarius and makes me crazy . . . and yet I continue my worship. What IS it with you people? Fine, your sign is first. You win. Jesus. Except Jackie. She's perfect.

Sara, I can't believe you're ready to tell the world about us, my sweet.

Heh.

Okay, I'm going to say something without citing sources. Be gentle. Hey, Jackie - have you ever heard that statistically speaking (based on some set of measurements of some quantifiable something related to the child's success), gay people make better parents? I love to drag that one out. But it's like the ice cream/rape relationship you learned about in college. It's not causal. My guess is that it's related to the fact that gay people rarely (*very*, I think) get pregnant by accident. Plan away, I say.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2001

Actually guppy, Aries is the first zodiac sign. Aquarius is just the first sign in our calendar. Not that I'm being picky on behalf of my own sign or anything ;-)

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2001