OT Humor - Rant about Chain Letters (vulgar)greenspun.com : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread
In an email of a few days ago, I received the following rant about chain letters. It contains much foul language, but I found it sufficiently humorous to go to the trouble of formatting it in order to post it here. Since it is fairly long, I have provided anchors to the beginning and end of the rant. The remainder of this post constitutes the rant.
To End of Chain Letter Rant
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity,fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forward. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and an amazing wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
----------------- Chain Letter Type 1:---------------------
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish for something else!!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
------------------------------Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly Thanks again!!
--------------------------------Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way) They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
-----------------------------Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... * no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!
To Top of Chain Letter Rant
-- David L (email@example.com), April 07, 2000
I wasn't offended at all by the language, and found the rant very comical [not to mention SO true.]
-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), April 07, 2000.
Glad you enjoyed it, Anita. I took it the same way as you had (after all, the writer's fury is more than justified), but thought an advisory would be a good idea, even on this forum. 8^)
-- David L (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 07, 2000.
Gawwwwd, does anyone but me get tired of people constantly begging for money for children in third world coutries. I feel very sorry for the little kids. But why in the hell do we allow an idiot like Jesse Helms to tie up the money for Planned Parenthood that would allow some of these people, who have no money, to have access to birth control??
-- gilda (email@example.com), April 07, 2000.
Gilda, unfortunately the only Social security most people in third world countries have are their children, and with child mortality what it is in these countries, very few people are interested in birth control... a sad fact of life for them, they want to have 10 or so kids in the hope that 3 or 4 might live to take care of them in their old age :-(
-- Netghost (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 07, 2000.
Good stuff David. W/O apology I FWD'ed (first time) your post to my unsuspecting list of friends.
-- Carlos (email@example.com), April 08, 2000.
Carlos, did you remember to urge your friends to share your email with as many people as possible. 8^)
-- David L (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 08, 2000.
ROFL David! Absolutely loved it!
To me this is a case when vulgar language is used creatively to be comical and make a very good point at the same time. It's very harmless as it doesn't attack one person in perticular.
I in fact recieved a chain letter of the "wish/love" type yesterday by a sweet, but still internet newbie, real-life acquaintance of mine. She likes a good laugh, and I'd love to send this to her, but I'm not sure she'd appreciate this response in return. I think I'll use a more tactful way instead ;-)
-- Chris (!@#$@pond.com), April 08, 2000.
ROTFLMAO, Damn, thanks David!!
-- Michael (email@example.com), April 09, 2000.