A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in is throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, nondescript man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. Then he gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic Are you a doctor?" "Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

-- ... (...@...com), March 24, 2000

Answers

Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The third blonde smiles and looks at St. Pete in the eye. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

***************** JOKE # 2 ***************** >From: skidwell GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOVERNMENT WORK A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the government," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us-me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work." ------------------------------------ THE DEBT COLLECTOR JOKE # 3 ------------------------------------ The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job-if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

-- danny boy (d@nnyboy.com), March 24, 2000.

A priest, who was an avid golfer, decided to play hooky one Sunday morning and sneak off to the links alone. St. Peter, looking down, discovered him and immediately reported him to God.

"I can't believe Father McKenzie would skip his sermon." St. Peter said.

A few minutes later the padre scored a hole-in-one. St. Peter, outraged, complained to God, "The guy is breaking the Sabbath and instead of punishing him, You reward him with a hole-in-one!?"

God answered, "Who's he going to tell?".

-- snodgrass (snodgr@ss.com), March 24, 2000.

: Jesus made a hole in one!

Jesus and Moses and an older gentleman were playing a game of golf. Jesus was up first and his ball went over a lake and went straight for the hole and made a hole in one!

As Moses hit the ball it started to head straight for the lake. As it was about to hit the water, all of a sudden the water divided in two and the ball rolled through and up onto the green and it also made a hole in one.

The older gentleman was up next. He sliced the ball way over to the left and crashed into the bushes. A squirrel grabbed the ball and ran off with the ball in it's mouth and it looked pretty hopeless. However, all of a sudden the squirrel was snatched off the ground by an Eagle. The Eagle started to circle higher and higher with the squirrel in it's claws until he was exactly over the green. The Eagle squeezed the squirrel until he dropped the ball and it also made a hole in one!

Jesus said: "That was absolutely great, Dad!"

-- susie Q (susieq@aol.com), March 24, 2000.

A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, Father, I'm 80 years old and married. Last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."

So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

-- Sifting (through@the.rubble), March 24, 2000.

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well, what was that for?"

He says, "That's for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All of a sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "What was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

-- Sideshow Bob (laughing@life.now), March 24, 2000.

"Animals in the City"

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

-- I didn't write it! (ohwell@just.ajoke), March 24, 2000.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker.

Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick didn't it!"

-- I got a bunch of 'em! (jokes@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

I thank you, one and all.

-- Richard (Astral-Acres@webtv.net), March 24, 2000.

You Don't Know Jack Schitt?

AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION, "WHO IS JACK SCHITT??"

The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

-- Peg (pegmcleod@mediaone.net), March 24, 2000.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch, or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

-- Malcolm Taylor (taylorm@es.co.nz), March 24, 2000.

There was a young fellow of Perth Whose balls were the finest on earth. They grew to such size That one won a prize, And goodness knows what they were worth.

-- Balls (ToThe@Wall.com), March 24, 2000.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

-- Doris (WhoTFRU@mindspring.com), March 24, 2000.

There once was a lady from Enterprise. Who had tits of two different sizes. One was small and did nothing at all, but the other was huge and won prizes.

-- Doris (WhoTFRU@mindspring.com), March 24, 2000.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 24, 2000.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the slut?

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

AND WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took them to a large metal door and handed the first man a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

New Drug Identification:

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the sixty year old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing,'" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out."

Actually," said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

-- Who's on first? (jokster@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST -When your tongues meet across crowded room. MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE -When intercourse is called "making love."' LUST -When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE -When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE -When you argue over how many children to have. LUST -When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE -When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE -When you share everything you own. LUST -When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.

LOVE -When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST -When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST -When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE -When you write poems about your partner. LUST -When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE -When all you write is checks.

LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around. MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE -When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST -When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE -When you never see each other awake.

LOVE -When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST -When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE -When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE -When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST -When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE -When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST -When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE -When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST -When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE -When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk. LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex. MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE -You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts. LUST -You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline. MARRIAGE-You only leave the house when you're allowed

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 24, 2000.

Restroom Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? -- The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. --The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. --Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! -- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God --The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

-- Lets (yuk@lot.com), March 24, 2000.

"You're a Winner" -

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies, I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl... so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

-- Lets (yuk@lot.com), March 24, 2000.

Some Sexual Math !!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It only takes 30 seconds....... YMMV

Work this out as you read.

Make sure u don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's GOOD.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex. (try for more than once but be realistic)

00

000

0000

00000

0000

000

00

0

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

[]

[][]

[][][]

[][][][]

[][][][][]

[][][][]

[][][]

[][]

[]

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

#

##

###

####

#####

####

###

##

#

4. Multiply it by 50. (go ahead, get the calculator)

%

%%

%%%

%%%%

%%%%%

%%%%

%%%

%%

%

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1750. If you haven't, add 1749.

@

@@

@@@

@@@@

@@@@@

@@@@

@@@

@@

@

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. (if you can remember which year that was)

{}

{}{}

{}{}{}

{}{}{}{}

{}{}{}{}{}

{}{}{}{}

{}{}{}

{}{}

{}

You should now have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number

(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week.)

The second two digits are your AGE and it shows.

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2000) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT ?

-- I didn't write this! (just@post.isall), March 24, 2000.

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

-- Jokster (jokes@the.ready), March 24, 2000.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

-- Chris (!@#$@pond.com), March 24, 2000.

Did I ever tell ya'll, you're goofy??

Ya'll are goofy

(Furthermore, your jokes stink! LOL!!!)

~*~

-- (Ladylogic@....), March 24, 2000.

Whew! I think Ladylogic farted. EEwwwwwww!!!!!yuck!

No wonder she has to carry that flower everywhere she goes.

Geez! That reeks!

Hey, bitch! Lay off the burritos! Yech!

-- light a match! (NODON'T@WEMIGHT.BLOWUP), March 25, 2000.

Is it just me or does LL's troll today appear to be about 11 years old ???

I came here to be entertained, and frankly I want my money back.

They just dont make trolls like they used to do they ?

I blame Y2K.

W

-- W0lv3r1n3 (W0lv3r1n3@yahoo.com), March 25, 2000.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.corn), March 26, 2000.