I am puzzled. Most of the people on this thread seem to be east people north and south, WHY?

-- Et (bneville@zebra.net), March 19, 2000

Answers

How about Pacific Northwest here. Also, there's one guy, Peter, from Australia. And there's some folks from Canada. I think we're from all over everywhere, nowhere, noplace, someplace. No place to hide.

-- imho (Redy@or.not), March 20, 2000.

Mid left coast and on the beach..... someone Please tell LL :-)

-- Netghost (ng@no.yr), March 20, 2000.

Pacific North wet here.

-- Ezmony (Ez@Skamania.com), March 20, 2000.

Lots of Californians as well: Donna, Carlos, yours truly, many others. "Right Coast" types get a jump on us with that 4 hour headstart, but we make it up in quality. 8-}

-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), March 20, 2000.

Texas, Gulf coast here.....and your point is?

-- Who me (WhoMe@none.net), March 20, 2000.

spanking away in the midwest.

-- monkey spanker (hawkcanstillkissmy@ss.now), March 20, 2000.

Guilty.

North Central Pennsylvania: 40 miles from a Walmart.

Does that disqualify me?

-- Pam (jpjgood@penn.com), March 20, 2000.

On the beach in SoCal.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 20, 2000.

In the cool pines of northern AZ.

-- Flash (flash@flash.hq), March 20, 2000.

Flash, are you Infomagic?

(That's where he's from, in case anyone's wondering.)

-- (pinetree@NAU.edu), March 20, 2000.

Hi Pinetree,

No, he's up there with you somewhere. I'm a little south of you folks where it doesn't snow quite so much in winter. Love it up there when it isn't snowing, though! Love NAU, too. Applied for a job there in IS back in October and came in 2nd. No second place winner! There is really a lot of competition for jobs up there!

-- Flash (flash@flash.hq), March 20, 2000.

Pam, I guess my location in western North Carolina isn't as remote as I thought, for I'm only about 20 miles from the nearest Wal-mart.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), March 20, 2000.

Don't throw tomatoes and hold the jokes.

In New joisey here. An I aint gonna tell ya what exit.

-- FutureShock (gray@matter.think), March 20, 2000.

Southern Alberta Canada.

North of Montana

And it its not that cold. Currently its sunny, very very clear sky. about 38 degrees at early morning.

justthink@whereIam

-- justthinkin com (justthink@whereIam.com), March 20, 2000.

"Monkey Spanker"... ROTFL!!!

Boy, you really are dumb. Do you even know what that means? If you've never heard that expression before, you probably aren't more than about 12 years old. I must admit, it is a very accurate choice of names for you! It means you spend 90% of your life bopping your baloney, ya know, yankin your noodle, slammin the salami, pettin your puppy, etc. Now I understand why you never use caps... it's a little hard reaching for that shift key when your left hand is always on your... uh, well, you're getting pretty good at typing with your right hand though!

So you're in the Midwest eh? Oh boy, we're very close! One of my journeys will be taking me out that way very soon. With my detective and bounty hunter experience I'll have you under my thumb in no time flat. I can't wait to see the look in your eyes when you have to eat your filthy words with your face sticking out of your asshole! Lol!! :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 20, 2000.

"Monkey Spanker"

-- (gif@gif.gif), March 20, 2000.

i'm not an easter. I'm a wester. but I like easter, the eggs, bunnies, all that stuff...

-- Uncle Bob (UNCLB0B@AOL.COM), March 20, 2000.

EAST eh Northeast....as in ohio.....

Rock and roll hall of fame,

Cleveland Indians

Cleveland Browns

But I wont say which city,,,he heee

Waiting for the "hawk" to fly by...LOL

Cleveland,,,,the mistake by the lake

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

FutureShock, I'm going to guess that you live near an exit of the Garden State Parkway (assuming it hasn't been renamed the Fleet Parkway) between Toms River and Paramus.

For my next trick...

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), March 20, 2000.

Hey, Consumer, have you been on the northern part of I-71 lately? Is that #$%^ construction project almost finished? I have to drive up to Case in the next day or so, and the ODOT site has been down. Any info is appreciated.

As for me, I'm in the southern part of Cow Town (Columbus, OH).

-- (Bigmouth@lunch.now), March 20, 2000.

hawk, hawk, hawk,

what will i do with you? of course i know what monkey spanking means. don't you remember, i chose that handle in honor of you, so you would know it was me posting. i thought it would be special for you since all you do is post jerk off nonsense on this board.

oh well, subtle sarcasm is usually wasted on the truly unwashed and ignorant. hey big boy bounty hunter, if your going to look me in the eye when my head is sticking out my ass i guess you will be getting ready to kiss my ass. Thanks!

Peace and love to God's Little Helper. See ya ;-)

p.s. love that gif!

-- monkey spanker (hawkplucker@spanker.com), March 20, 2000.

Ra...which lifeguard tower are you sitting near? I don't see you.

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

Is that what monkey spanking means??? Here in the lower Midwest, we always called that "beatin' your dog."

-- gilda (jess@listbot.com), March 20, 2000.

NM here, and we are "wringin' the weasel"...

sniffin'...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), March 20, 2000.

'Choking the Chicken' in the far West.

-- Sifting (through@the.rubble), March 20, 2000.

Bigmouth,

(okay?) Which part, be a lil more specific please and I can help ya out.

Of course you realize we are the "ORANGE BARRELL CAPITOL OF THE WORLD"

For the rest of the monkey spankers, weasel wackers, pete petters, etc, you guys bust me up.

----consumer now on a 'mission' (get it?...tee hee) to find out what we call it here.....

LMBO

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

Ya bloody wanker

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

Cin,

whats a bloody wanker?

serious confused mind needs to know.......

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

I'm in the SE, and do in fact "Shake hands with the one eyed monster".

Also, Hawky, I'm curious how his face will stick out of his asshole. If you shove his head up his ass his face is hidden. If you shove his head down his neck you will see only the back of his skull, or maybe the inside of his skin.

Please elaborate.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), March 20, 2000.

Stop it Unc, youre killing me ROTFLMAO. How dare you question the words of a part time detective and bounty hunter, a man who has spent most of his life in close proximity to assholes, his own and others. His anatomy lessons sure gives a new slant to the old brown nosing theory doesnt it? Carry on.

-- Sifting (through@the.rubble), March 20, 2000.

Oh, for Pete's sake. It's called SELF-GRATIFICATION!

-- (it feels@ so.good!), March 20, 2000.

Tennessee here,

Down south it's 'a date with Rosey Palmer' ;)

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 20, 2000.

Obviously, most of this thread has to do with a guy thing. Almost afraid to say I live down south. -- On the beach in west central Florida.

-- Normally (Oxsys@aol.com), March 20, 2000.

Consumer, thanks, I finally got into the ODOT site and will avoid most of the Cleveland part of I-71. Yeah, it's a mess down here, too.

As for that activity we've been discussing, I want to hear from some women! One of the secretaries where I work has this mini-vibrator from Brookstone, which we've named Fablio. On days when the copy is full of typos, I ask her if she and Fablio have been having lunch. For some reason, she always blushes. Do other women carry vibrators around in their purses? Maybe I shouldn't be asking this question.

-- (bigmouth@home.now), March 20, 2000.

Unc, were you born yesterday or what? I thought you were a wasted old fuck! Well whatever, apparently you haven't been out much.

You have to rip the head off FIRST, THEN you shove it up the asshole. For someone with a big head and a tight ass like you, I usually have to dip the neck in vaseline, but I've never met anyone with a head that is too big to fit up their ass (of course I haven't met Flint or Decker yet!) If you'd like a personal demonstration just drop by, I'll be happy to oblige. :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 20, 2000.

Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- (I've@had .enough of your crap.), March 20, 2000.

In case you idiots with an overdeveloped case of testosterone didn't understand me the first time

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!

(don't make me say that again.)

-- (Ive @ had enough of your. crap), March 20, 2000.

I guess that I shouldn't be asking that question.

Has anyone heard from Squid, lately? Deb M. is here. Lady Buckeye drops in occasionally. Redeye? Where's the rest of the Ohio residents?

-- (bigmouth@home.now), March 20, 2000.

my all time favorite phrase for "it":

i was watching a live phone in show on the local access t.v. station. a viewer calls the show to complain about te poor taste of their subject matter (something about hawks i think). One of the hosts of the show speculated that the caller wasn't getting any and must be "doing the five knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump." i literally fell off the couch laughing. caused quite a controversy in our somewhat small town.

hey hawk! want to buy a monkey? freshly spanked, of course.

-- monkey spanker (hawkplucker@spanker.com), March 20, 2000.

Thanks you cleared it up. You know some of you just break me up you are so cute.

-- ET (bnevile@zebra.net), March 20, 2000.

See what you've done now monkey spanker and unc, you've got poor i've all upset and she's going to have to ask for you to be censored.

Small town eh? (thanks for the hint, see ya soon :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 20, 2000.

BTW, no I don't want to buy a monkey, I've got a real nice one, and it's a GORILLA!

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 20, 2000.

Hi there Cin,

The 42nd street tower 2 blocks from River Road. Can you guess the city?

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 20, 2000.

Aaaaaw, Ra my good buddy, you are music to my ears! Thanks for the tip, Newport Beach eh? Let's see, that makes you either a snobby little yuppie-ass prick or a spoiled brat living off his parents. Hey bud, I use to live in Laguna and go wind-surfing right down the block from ya there! And guess what, I'll be visiting my sister in Long Beach real soon. (I won't say when, I'd rather suprise ya there good buddy.) Lol!!! I can't wait to see how big your mouth really is, yeeeehaaah!! :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 21, 2000.

Shoot Ra, I have no idea. If it IS Newport, then I'm just down the road from you.

btw...happiness is a long hot shower and a hand-held shower massager.

(OMG, was that out loud?) =)

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

Ooooooo, cinlooooo, can I visit you tooooo? ;-)

You're right about the long hot shower part, but rather than hand held, how about a long hot real live massager as well? Just curious, are "yours" real? I use to live in SoCal, so I hope you can understand why I ask. :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 21, 2000.

Folks you have got to stop it! You are killing me I cann't stop laughing.

-- ET (bneville@zebra.net), March 21, 2000.

Oh sure Hawk. And don't forget to bring all your torturing tools.

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

Naaah cinlooo, I only torture men that way. I torture women with love, and leave them with broken hearts, begging for more. ;-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), March 21, 2000.

LOLOL

Goodnight everyone

=0)

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

Hey Hawk,

I have an idea,instead of you going so far out of your way to visit everyone one at a time, as it would be a costly inconvenience,how about all of us get together at your place for a big shindig.

Everyone would be encouraged to bring their pet gerbiles,monkeys,goats and chickens,massage appliances,side dishes and beans.And if it's a REALLY great spam recipe thats ok too.

It might be a great group bonding experience,us and you.

"I got the pig in the ground and the beer on ice,and all my rowdy friends are comin' over tonight" ; )

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 21, 2000.

Now, that sounds like a party! Nachos, anyone?

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), March 21, 2000.

Mornin Cin, Newport it is! Of course Ill need to move on now that the detective and bounty hunter has found me, LOL. Actually Hawk, I would like to meet you when you visit your sister in LB. Ive had some great experiences getting together with cyber folks and there rarely is any character resemblance in real life. If we do get together you will understand why I have no reservations about a personal meet. Hey Cin and any others out this way, if you are so inclined we could set a date and time to get together for lunch or whatever. Speak up.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 21, 2000.

Ra,

If you do meet up with our old buddy Hawk the Lard Ass, take some pictures of him wind surfing. Gives me a whole new twist on "thar she blows".

If Cin comes along for the photo shoot try and keep her away from the shower ok? LOL

-- monkey spanker (hawkplucker@spanker.com), March 21, 2000.

Capn,

Shouldve known you were from Tennesee got sis/bro in Chattanooga.

Love it there.

Cin, be careful now, do you like the 'fast' mode, or the slooowww gentle massage...lol

brings back a funny story, long ago my uncle owned a biker bar and I used to go in there all the time. Had one big burley dude say ask me if I had a man...told him 'yeah his name is Dex'.

Later on I explained Dex as in Index finger.....

Cin, shower heads are great, but the jet streams on a whirlpool are MUCH better.

OMG did that come from me...(eg)

Hawk,

ARE you still doing the gerbils?

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

Consumer,Cin

Your all killin' me this am,LMAO.

Great way to start the day!

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 21, 2000.

Hey Hawkster, how about that old buddyIm in Long Beach. Now Im not a detective or a bounty hunter but your sister should be easy to find. Just look for a woman that has a restraining order out on her deranged brother to stay at least 1 mile from her, LOL.

Enough. I would also be interested in meeting some fellow TB ERs out here in S. Ca. We could agree on a place to meet and Ill bet it would be a hoot. Ra, Ive been to your neck of the woods many times Party Central my man. You must be a close neighbor to Dennis Rodman; he lives right in that area.

So, how bout it Southlanders, wanna meet on the Queen Mary? Let me here from some of you and Ill set something up and post it. Should be most entertaining.

-- Sifting (through@the.rubble), March 21, 2000.

Can I go?

I have a cousin that lives in the Long Beach area, and I think I can stay with her.

But, I don't want to go if there are any polly-eating doomers there, Ok? :o)

~*~

-- (Ladylogic@...Laura), March 21, 2000.

Opps, never mind.

I just remembered my troll lives in California, and he has guns :o)

~*~

-- Lauran (Ladylogic@...), March 21, 2000.

LMAO Capnfun...got wood?

teehee =oP

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

p.s... about the get-together...just say where and when. I'm game. =o)

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 21, 2000.

Hey Cin,

Got batteries ; ) !!!!!

Sorry,I couldn't resist.

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 21, 2000.

The things we do for journalism... is this the time for a well-placed sigh?

What began as a simple research attempt to flesh out... or finish off... this thread ended up with a pending traffic court appearance. Probably a little late for this, but here is the rest of the story:

(I thought I had heard it all, but here is the explanation from a member of my staff about what happened on this monkey's uncle search. His interpretation of who wants to be Queen is in dispute, but the ticket and the rush to pick up the research from storage were both real...)

Staff member: "Well, your Honor, what happened was I was in a big hurry the day I ran the red light. You see I write and do research for this Internet newsletter and the editor wanted to know how many euphemisms for masturbation could be found so she could be Queen of the web! As it happened, I had a book on the subject and would be able to supply her with at least 100 terms. So when the police officer pulled me over, I told him I did not stop because I was engaged in important research on masturbation and did not notice the light turning red until it was too late."

The information was gathered, at such a high cost, from "The Odd Index" by Stephen J. Spignesi (also 53 terms for testicles, 228 for intercourse, etc. etc.) Most apply to men, a few to women, and frankly there are some we have not quite figured out.

"...ball off... beat off ... beat your meat ... beat the bishop ... beat the dummy ... beat your hog ... beat the pup ... belt your hog ... the blanket drill ... bop the baloney ... box the jesuit ... bring down by hand ... chicken milking ... choke the chicken ... coax the cojones ... cuff your governor ... diddle yourself ... do paw-paw tricks ... dong flogging ... fight your turkey ... five against one ... flog yourself ... flog your log ... flong your dong ... fondle your fig ... frig yourself ... gallop your antelope ... get ahold of yourself ... get your nuts off ... gherkin jerking ... grip it ... hand jive ... hand job ... handle yourself ... jack off ... jag off .. jazz yourself ... jerk off ... jerk your gherkin ... keep the census down (!!!) ... lizard milking ... manipulate your mango ... manual exercise ... manual pollution ... the one-legged race ... paddle the pickle ... plunk your twanger ... pound off ... pound your pomegranate ... pull your wire ... pump your python ... rub off ... shag off ... she bop ... shower shank ... simple infanticide ... snap the rubber ... snap the whip ... a soldier's joy ... the solitary sin ... spank yourself ... squeeze the lemon ... take yourself in hand ... toss off ... wang off ... whack off ... whip off ... whip the dummy ... work off ... yank off ... yank your strap ... play the slots ... whip your lizard ... self abuse ... Onanism ...

Frankly, there were more but our hands are getting tired ...

Staff member: "Ok, that makes for almost 100!! I must really think a lot of you. Generally when I discuss the subject with a lady in much less detail, it requires a sum of money, negotiations, a body shampoo, and a good massage..."

Editor: "Sigh."

-- Usually (somebody-else@nope.notme), March 24, 2000.