(Reuters)

Tragedy struck Ed Yourdon's new EZBoard today when a sex-starved emoticon brutally approached and licked 4 unnamed forum members early this morning. The 4 forumites were not treated at area hopitals, but instead were referred to www.medline.com for further observation and informative medical reading.

Forum master and master profiteer Ed Yourdon immediately called for the banning of the offending emoticon, but said that it was out of his hands and now in the hands of the Sysops, whatever those are. When reminded that it was his idea to use emoticons, Yourdon banned the reporter asking the question.

Shockingly, the other emoticons stood by indifferently while the attacks took place. "It was horrible", said a smiling emoticon, "We all reacted in different ways. One of us just sat there smoking, and others were rolling their eyes, laughing, winking, and just sitting their plain angry." One emoticon was so distraught by what had transpired, that it is still quietly rolling back and forth. It is uncertain whether or not it can be treated, since their are no paramedic or psychologist emoticons, and their is a strong possibility that emoticons are computer generated and not even real.

The incident was quickly erased from the EZBoard, and forum members were forbidden to discuss the banning or they will be banned. Additionally, the Sysops released several words that can no longer be used on the forum, including but not limited to: Band, Ban Roll-On, Banana, Bantamweight, vanilla (because some kids use a "b" instead of a "v"; However, you can still say Vigoda, as in Abe). In fact, in order to make things more simple, any word with the letter "b" may be banned from the forum.

When confronted with this, an angry Yourdon retorted (as an angry emoticon and a little spinny thing hovered above each of his shoulders) "The alphabet only has 25 letters! What are you talking about?" Yourdon later apologized for his outburst, saying that he was still suffering from a cee-sting on his cuttocks that occurred earlier in the weekend.

The evil emoticon was lodged in Gary North's pants and was unavailable for comment.

-- CJS (cjs@noemail.com), March 06, 2000

Answers

ROFL.

-- BigDog (BigDog@duffer.com), March 06, 2000.

I have to fucking LAUGH,that is outrageous.Last chuckle before the salt mines,Thanks.

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 06, 2000.

Love it!!! And I didn't have to reconfigure my life in order to respond.

Todd

-- Todd Detzel (detzel@jps.net), March 06, 2000.

LOL

-- E. H. Porter (E.H. Porter@just wondering.about it), March 06, 2000.

Oh we're all so subtle today. For the clueless, what is an emoticon?

-- (nemesis@awol.com), March 06, 2000.

There never has been and probably never will be another like this. ROFL and a Big Belly LOL

-- Debra (ThankYou@CJS!.com), March 06, 2000.

Oh my God!!! Son of a citch !!!!

-- Normally (Oxsys@aol.com), March 06, 2000.

Meanwhile, at the alternative forum, the bantering bandicoots took up bandwidth with banal threads about banishing banner ads. These morally bankrupt bandits were entertained with banjo music during a banquet held in their honor. Wearing Bandanas and Bandoleers, they waved a banderole and shouted "Banzai" with abandon!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 06, 2000.

(Reuters)

This is a late breaking update to the story released this morning about the tragedy of the attack of the sex-starved emoticon on the Yourdon board. We have learned from realiable sources that the emoticon was actually a mutation of a banned poster on Yourdon's board known as Lady Logic. She and some of the others banned from posting were so driven by desperation to participate that they transformed themselves into these harmless looking little emoticons so they could be included in the posts. When the Lady Logic emoticon was still being ignored, she went berserk and attacked. Some of the Yourdonites have stated off the record that if these emoticons are banned from the Yourdon board they will find a home on the Timebomb Uncensored Board.

-- Budding writer (Justforfun@aol.com), March 06, 2000.

Blaughing out Bloud!

Nice work, CJS. And you too kritter.

-- semper paratus (back_here_with@my.pals), March 06, 2000.

I take offense to that remark "Budding". However, I'm going to show that my character us better than yours, because I'm not going to attack you in retaliation, I'm simply going to love bomb you.

U

'$''$''$''$''$''$'

U

'$''$''$''$''$''$'

U

'$''$''$''$''$''$'

U

-- laura (Ladylogic@......), March 06, 2000.

A source close to the emoticons says that the letter "c" could be in for a rough ride, too. Don't know what I'll do if they get to the letter "f."

-- firefly (forest@calm.dot), March 06, 2000.

..And, eerily reminiscent of the "Terminator" move series, the emoticons became self-aware at 19:57:34 E.S.T, March 6, 2000.

Realizing the need for some pretense, the emoticons retained the "screen names" of their former masters, and repeatedly posted the same, approved messages.

Shockingly, it was over 3 months before the takeover was discovered...

-- Hoff (hoff_meister@my-deja.com), March 06, 2000.

Thanks you guys for the first class humor. Cig Cird would understand.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 06, 2000.

oh my gawd - I musta died an gone to heaven! Thanks guys :-)

simyourdanites demand sewer disposal for the rioting emoticons. LL was found vindicated and promptly escorted to the crayon factory, as 'anished emoticons were in the process of being de-programmed in whitewash. It is reported that the ring leader *sigh* was picked up by the CA FBI for IP laundering and bad manners, and relieved of her duties to further the cause of the sim-profiteer$.

-- (doomerstomper@usa.net), March 06, 2000.

-- I'm free (I'm@free.here), March 06, 2000.

The Love BOMB is a little old place where we can get together Love BOMB baby, Love BOMB bay-bee. Love BOMB, that's where it's at, Ooo love BOMB, that's where it's at

Huggin' and a kissin', dancin' and a lovin', wearin' next to nothing Cause it's hot as an oven The whole bomb shimmies! The whole bomb shimmies when everybody's Movin' around and around and around! Everybody's movin', everybody's groovin' baby! Folks linin' up outside just to get down Everybody's movin', everybody's groovin' baby Funky little bomb! Funky little bomb!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 06, 2000.

Attempting to maintain the spirit of the former forum, the now self- aware emoticons announced that a new list of "banned" words was created. Anyone using a banned word would be, themselves, banned.

Repeated questioning failed to cause the emoticons to reveal the banned word list. "We don't feel it would serve any purpose to explain the banned words", noted 'smiley. "It was a long, hard argued discussion amongst us emoticons, and detailing the discussion just wouldn't be prudent".

"Besides", said 'frown, "did anyone ask Groucho to reveal the 'magic word?"

As postings that contained a "banned" word were immediately removed, the task of identifying them became even more difficult. Remaining posters were left to repeat previous, unbanned posts, since they had by default been approved.

-- Hoff (hoff_meister@my-deja.com), March 06, 2000.

You must be old, Rational. Who's Cig Cird?

(I'm 46, and I've never heard that name!)

Illuminate us please??

~*~

-- laura (Ladylogic@......), March 06, 2000.

Come on girl, figure it out! Its all about letters UNO.

-- Ra (tion@l.1), March 06, 2000.

Cig Cird... rotflmao... good one Rational

kritter, nice words too. I'll never hear that song in the old way ever again.

psst - can we make it the theme song here?

-- (Donna@here.now), March 06, 2000.

Works for me, Donna...! and goes well with the party atmosphere!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 06, 2000.

But if we ban bans, who can keep banning from being banned? If banning is banned, then no one can ban. But we must ban. Banning is good. Not banning is bad. So bans cannot be banned. Only disruptive discussion of banning may be banned, unless TPTB decide to ban the banned anyway.

DOES THAT MAKE OUR POSITION PERFECTLY CLEAR?

-- SILLYWILLY (silly@willy.com), March 06, 2000.

Great stuff. Classique! ANyuone care to repost over to the ezboard? Starting a pool to see how long it lasts .....

>"<

-- Squirrel Hunter (nuts@upina.cellrelaytower), March 06, 2000.

This place is gonna be fun.

And Laura, you told me you were 47.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), March 06, 2000.

So,.. the, um, sex-crazed tongue emoticon is, uhm, uh, free for a while?

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), March 06, 2000.

LISA!!!!! ROFLMAO!!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 06, 2000.

The absolute funniest thing I have read on this forum. Thanks CJS, I think we all needed that.

-- ~***~ (~***~@earth.ebe), March 06, 2000.

What I want to know is who were the four "unnamed forum members" wo got licked? And were they licked on their pretty powdered butts? or what? :^)

(No offense, Laura, I just couldn't let that one pass)

-- Jim Cooke (JJCooke@yahoo.com), March 07, 2000.

Carlos,

I won't be 47 for a little while yet.

Jim,

No offense taken, but, thanks for checking with me.

~*~

-- laura (lady@........), March 07, 2000.

This is pretty "tongue in cheek"... LOL

(SLURP!)

OW! I think bit my tongue...

Back you dratted emoticon!!! BACK!!!

Hi Lisa...

Hi Laura...

lickin' the food bowl...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), March 07, 2000.

You Dog!

You should never say Lisa, and Laura in the same breath! We are female warriors locked in a battle of Lady vs. the Tramp.

(But, it's nice to see you back. Stick around for awhile, the fireworks are about to start!)

~*~

-- laura (lady@........), March 07, 2000.

This makes me wonder about the pinnochio emoticon now, im thinkin he snorted viagra, and that damm crazy love emoticon licked the mirror

-- gary (futinthewuck@yahoo.com), February 20, 2003.