"Nuts, Butts, and Cybersluts": The screenplay continues

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This thread continues the "Cap Slockman in the 21st Century" saga. From the beginning, I thought the title sucked. I asked my gentle readers for suggestions, and the response was... whelming. Thanks for all the suggestions!

The winner, as immortalized in the new thread title, is Steve Heller, who contributed "Nuts, Butts, and Cybersluts", and who now gets his proper co-screenwriting credit, with royalty check(s) to follow. Congrats, Steve.

For new readers: Please read the above-referenced thread first, as the first 19 scenes are contained therein. If you'd rather not, however, I'll present a brief re-Cap and introduce our cast of characters:

Cap Slockman: Suspected Son of Satan, object of intense 5-year surveillance by

Norton ("call me Ed") Hite: CIA honcho and lover of all things pastry as well as

Diana: Her role has been brief so far, but will soon be expanded. Four other agents have recently been assigned to their case (Cleverly named #1 through #4, though not necessarily in that order). Diana has been monitoring

Sadie Sanity (Middle initial "N", courtesy of co-screenwriter Susan Heller): Enamored with Cap, who she met online, and who she plans on seducing. She claims virginity status, but this isn't clear.

Clement "Pooh" Peste: Unknown occupation (as of yet), dreamer and lover of both anagrams and

Cherry (who also answers to "Tart" and/or "Blossom"): Trailer-park phone sex queen. Mother of

Sunshine: Precocious 8-year old daughter.

Some other minor characters (so far) include:

Paul E. Schmuck: Offers to help Pooh with his "problems".

"Z": CIA informant and good friend of

Nurse #3: Shrouded in secrecy, she takes in Cap after his mother dies during childbirth.

I'd try to give the Cliff Notes version of the story so far, but I recommend you just read the original thread first.

A caveat: Some scenes may be offensive. Continue at your own risk.

Scene XX to be posted shortly.

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 01, 2000


[Scene XX]: Pooh excitedly flips to a fresh page in his notebook and begins writing furiously. Cut to close-up of his eyes, which are quickly darting across the words, his mind quickly arranging, editing, sifting through the thousands of choices for just the right ones. Hes under time pressure, howeverhe has decided to seize this opportunity. He turns over on his belly, posterior raised.

Pooh: Youre right... Youre always right... Cut to close-up of eyes. Hes found a good one, and quickly writes it down. I think you know me better than I know myself...

Cut to shot of Cherry lighting up another smoke. She is bored, but listening.

Cherry: In some ways, Pooh, thats true. You OK? You sound distant...

Cut to Pooh. Hes found another one, and is writing it down.

Pooh: Well, Im multitasking. Like the sound of that word... Makes me feel like Im doing important stuff... Which I guess I am...

Cherry: Are you on the computer? Watching TV?

Pooh: No. Mind if I ask you a question?

He writes down another entry.

Cherry: Course not, sweets...

Pooh: This is serious, but I wanna do it my way, so try to pay attention, OK?

Cut to shot of Cherry, rolling her eyes as she takes another drag.

Cherry: Im listening, Pooh.

Pooh: OK. Think about it before you say anything though. OK?

Cherry [Already growing impatient, but playing along]: Give me something to think about first...

Pooh [Quickly scanning, trying to decide which one to start with] : OK, OK... "Warm my oily lure"? [Checks it off his list, adds another entry while waiting for Cherrys response]

Cherry: Uh... Is it cold?

Pooh: Cmon, I said this was serious. It might help if you write it down...

Cherry: Why?

Pooh: Think about it... "Your wily Mr. Male"?

Cherry: Oh, I think I get it... Hold on while I grab a piece of paper...

She scans the area for pen and paper. Shell play along for a bit.

Pooh [Smiling broadly]: Good, good... OK, this ones a question and an editorial comment, but still write it down, OK?

Cherry [Having found the needed items starts to write, cigarette now dangling and eyes squinting from the smoke]: Sure...

Pooh: "Allure my rim? Yow!!" Got it yet?

Cherry: Not yet, Pooh. Still on your oily lure...

Pooh: God, youre sexy... Let me know when you get it, OK?

Cherry: OK, Pooh. But you know Im not very good at this stuff...

Pooh: This shouldnt be hard. Really. "Aye"Thats "A-Y-E"[In mock Cockney accent] "Aye, Ill worry, mum".

Cherry: Can you give me a hint sugar? Im not seeing anything, and youre going too fast for me.

Pooh [Smile has faded now, as he grows impatient]: Just keep writing, Im sure youll get it eventually... "Im your warm yell"...

Cherry [Smiling, but frustrated, extinguishing her butt]: You sure are, hon...

Pooh: Youre not being serious...

Cherry: Sure I am. This is hard, though... Give me a hint.

Pooh [A hint of anger in his voice]: No! Cmon, this isnt that hard, and if I help you out, itll spoil it for me... [Writes down another discovery, then crosses it out] I want you to remember this...

Cherry [A bit excited]: Youve repeated "your" and "warm". Does that mean Im warm?

Pooh [Swallowing his growing anger]: No... Youre cold, in fact. I think youre missing the point here... You realize these are anagrams, right?

Cherry: Right... Thats a hint, thanks.

Pooh [Incredulous that she hasnt realized what should have been obvious, raising his voice ever so slightly]: "Roar my wily mule"!!

Cherry: No need to get rude...

Pooh: No! Write it down!! ARGH!!!

Cherry: Oh... Sorry... Is there an e in wily?

Pooh [Barely able to contain his anger now]: NO!!!

Cut to wide shot of Pooh, who is now standing on the bed. He throws down his notepad in disgust, and starts to hyperventilate. He takes a deep breath before continuing.

Pooh: One last chance, OK? "Im Mr., youll weary". Cmon now, Im handing it to you... THINK!!

Cherry: Youre right, Pooh.

Pooh: Huh?

Cherry: Im weary. I give up. Either give me a hint or Im not playing this silly game any more...

Pooh [Screams in aggravation and anger]: You stupid BITCH! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!?!?!

[End of Scene XX.]

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 01, 2000.

No way,

You're to silly.

-- (silly@no.way), March 01, 2000.

Silly: WAY!

-- just a really bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.

I love a screen play with a Real Story Line :-)

Keep up the good work....... Bravo !!! MORE !!!

-- Casper (c@no.yr), March 02, 2000.

BTW... I thought your working title was better.. JMHO :_)

-- Casper (c@no.yr), March 02, 2000.

Casper: Thanks. The title is still subject to revision. Steve's title struck my funnybone, but there are, after all, some not-so-funny scenes and issues, so I'm still open for suggestions before the final screenplay gets submitted.

While I love writing, and have enjoyed writing this screenplay immensely, I'm having a terrible time coming up with a killer title, which could ultimately jeopardize its success. After all, would Citizen Kane have been as awesome with its original working titles (American and John Citizen, U.S.A.)? I'm not making comparisons, mind you, but you get my point...

-- just a bored Orson Welles fan and (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.

Or, as Pooh might say, "Dub Eros." Thanks for sharing the new installment JAB. Enjoying the ongoing.

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), March 02, 2000.

RUOK: Rub dose? No. Rode bus/sub? No? Bored us? Hope not...

Rod be us? Doubt it. Rude sob? Nah. Sour bed? Yuk. Oh, I think I've got it now...

But what does it mean?! 8^|

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.



Just another Orson Welles fan...

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), March 02, 2000.


Nuts, Butts, and Cybersluts will never sell...... trust me on this ;-)

Cap Slockman undone..is way better. Or how about...... Voices in the Dark....

-- Casper (c@no.yr), March 02, 2000.

RUOK: I knew that. I wanted others to figger' it out. Thought you'd figger' that out, and play along...

But what does "Rosebud" mean?? 8^\

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.

Casper: You're probably right.

"Cap Slockman Undone"? Hey! No fair peeking at the ending!

"Voices in the Dark"? Possibility, but has horror flick feel.

Keep 'em coming! Where were your entries prior to the deadline?

As the story nears its conclusion, I'll ask for more suggestions. 8^}

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.


Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Since I blew the first game, I'll leave others to figger' out the meaning of uber dos ;-}

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), March 02, 2000.


I think that the current name (the only thing better would be WIN FREE SEX!) will catch more eyes on this board than the former name, but for the final production, I agree it should be changed. I think we all share your frustration in naming this project, that is why your response was so "whelming". I suspect when we get to the end there will be mass inspiration. As it is, only you know how it ends, we don't. Cap Slockman is very clever however. There must be something we can do with it. Hey if "The Shawshank Redemption" could make it big, then anything is possible.

-- Susan (susan@steveheller.com), March 02, 2000.

Susan: Thanks, but I think I've already hit the saturation point with my handful of readers. Not for lack of effort on my part.

The Shawshank Redemption was truly an awful title, entirely unbefitting a worthy tale masterfully told. The movie didn't do the book justice, of course. Few do.

A good screenplay (not implying mine is good, for I cannot be the judge of that) is a melding of both art forms, but is at the same time a bastard stepchild of both. 8^|

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.

FWIW, anyone who has seen the movie and wants to learn more about Orson Welles, William Randolph Hearst, and the making of Citizen Kane can read the transcript of the PBS special The Battle Over "Citizen Kane". Lack of visual imagery makes the transcript rather dry--try to get a video copy of the actual show. Your local library might be a good starting place.

If you haven't seen the movie, OTOH:

A: Shame on you

B: Do it soon

C: Rosebud

D: All of the above 8^&

-- just a bored and sleepless (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 02, 2000.


Wow, what bad timing here with the change of forums, are you going to bring this on over to the new board? Please say yes.

-- Susan (susan@steveheller.com), March 03, 2000.

If there is sufficient interest, I will continue.

Frankly, I feel that I'm writing to such a small audience as it is, and it just got smaller still.

Kinda makes it difficult to maintain my enthusiasm. I'll post at the new forum to gauge the interest level and decide soon.

Either way, I'll let you know. 8^|

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 03, 2000.

Here's the new thread soliciting feedback. Or, submit it here. I'll monitor both places, and decide in 24 hours or so...

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 03, 2000.

JAB, please paste your continuing installments here!

-- addicted (having@hard.time), March 03, 2000.

Those of us that only lurk and never post (except now) really wish you to continue.

-- Lurky Lurky (Lurking@way.in.the.backgound.com), March 04, 2000.

JAB, last night I heard there were over 300 members at the new place. . . No doubt there will be more after this weekend.

-- Sysop (still@hanging.around), March 04, 2000.

My current thinking can be found here. There simply doesn't appear to be much interest. I'll wait until Monday for a few more potential replies before I make a final decision.

As I've stated earlier, I have no desire to "perform" for an "empty house". 8^\

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 04, 2000.

I have decided to continue with the ongoing saga. The show must go on.

Scene XXI to be posted here and elsewhere withing the next few days, as my schedule allows. Thanks to those who responded. 8^/

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 05, 2000.

[Scene XXI]: Cut to close-up of Sadie, eyes quickly opening from her slumber. The memory of the previous night comes flooding in quickly, and her expression turns quickly to rage. She turns quickly, expecting (hoping?) Cap to be asleep next to her. He is nowhere to be seen. She is furious now.

She quickly but silently bolts upright, her purple paisley nightgown tight against her now sweaty body. She opens the outer zippered compartment of her suitcase. The knife is right where she expects. She grabs it, and spies Cap, his back to her, busy typing.

Hand-held camera follows her from the rear as she readies to pounce, knife raised.

Cut to close-up of Diana, ripping off her eye shades, breathing rapidly, sweat on her forehead and neck.

NOTE TO PRODUCER: This part is tailor-made for G illian Anderson, but she may be tied up with the Hannibal project. Frances McDormand, perhaps?

She checks her watch. Its only 8:45. Shes exhausted, but her "vision" wont allow her to go back to sleep. She glances at the row of monitorsSadie is still asleep, and Cap is busily typing. She decides to take a quick shower. She wants to let Ed know shes awake first, though. She reaches for her two-way radio. A faint click is audible.

Diana: Come in, Ed.

Cut to Ed, who is in the coffee shop with Agents #2 and #4. He interrupts their conversation by raising his index finger and grabbing his radio from his belt clip.

Ed: Cant sleep?

Diana: No. Can we have a 10 oclock briefing? Shes still sleeping now, but should be awake by then.

Ed: Sure. Half hour enough time?

Diana [Sighing]: You know it isnt, but thats all Ive got, right?

Ed: Yup. See you in the rooms at ten.

Diana: OK. Oh, and Ed?

Ed: Yeah?

Diana: I need to meet with you privately first for a few minutes, OK?

Ed: Bad dream?

Diana: You could call it that... You know me pretty well by now, huh?

Ed: See you soon.

Diana: Thanks, Ed.

She places the radio down gently, rubs her eyes with the back of her hands, and slowly makes her way to the shower. Cut to close-up of Sadie, as her eyes open quickly. Her rage is unmistakable.

[End of Scene XXI.]

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 05, 2000.

Looks like the lights have been turned out here... See here for future installments...

[Scene XXII]: Zoom out from close-up of Schmuck on diploma. Cut to Pooh, who storms into the office hung over, sweating and hyperventilating.

Pooh: She cant do this to me!

Schmuck [Trying to establish eye contact unsuccessfully]: Why dont you have a seat, Pooh, and tell me what brings you back here.

Pooh [Pacing, avoiding eye contact]: The bitch hung up on me!!

Schmuck: I see. Who are we talking about?

Pooh [Makes fleeting eye contact and flashes an angry look]: We arent talking about anything, are we? God, I hate it when you people do that.

Schmuck: Im trying to find out where you are, Pooh, so that we can talk. Is that OK? Isnt that why were here?

Pooh: No! Im here to talk, you are here to listen. [Mockingly]: Is that OK?

Schmuck: OK. Mind if I take some notes? Ill probably ask a few questions too, if thats OK with you.

Pooh [Still pacing]: Knock yourself out That bitch!! Why doesnt she call? She knows I hate to wait for her call.

He pauses, expecting Schmuck to interrupt. He glances in Schmucks direction. Schmuck is quietly writing, and appears confused but only mildly interested. He reaches into his back pocket and withdraws a folded scrap of notebook paper. He hurls it at Schmuck.

Pooh: In case you were wondering who Im talking about.

Schmuck gestures to the paper, asking permission to unfold it. Pooh nods and grunts. He grabs a nearby Kleenex and wipes his sweaty forehead and upper lip. Cut to tear-stained paper, which has BRING BACK MY CHERRY TO ME centered across the top. Schmuck studies the list:

BRING THY MERRY COMEBACK (Hurry up, God dammit!!)

BRING THE MEMORY BACK-->CRY (How can you do this to me?!)

MERRY MOCKERY, BITCH! BANG!!! (Dont make me do it!)

Schmuck [Looking up from the list]: Pooh, tell me more about Cherry.

Pooh [Stops and stares incredulously, still breathing rapidly] : What the hell do you think Im doing?

Schmuck: Well, youre obviously upset, but youre not telling me why Cherry hasnt called, or why she hung up, or who she is, at least not in the manner Im accustomed to hearing. You love her, I assume? Why dont we start there? Maybe itll be easier if you have a seat and try to calm down.

Schmuck spreads his hand, palm up, at the chair. Pooh collapses into the luxurious leather. He cant bear to look at Schmuck. He slumps forward and begins to cry, and buries his head in his hands.

Schmuck: I must admit, Pooh, that Im concerned for Cherrys safety, based on your demeanor and writings.

Pooh [Angrily]: Of course I love her!! How the hell could I hurt her?! I dont even know where she lives, you idiot!!

Schmuck: I see Well, I need to inform you, just so you understand, the ethics of my profession require that I report threats and the like. Are you aware of that?

Pooh [Rising from the chair]: What threats?! Gimme that!! [He snatches the list from Schmucks hands] Youve seen enough!!

Schmuck: Im sorry, Pooh, but I had to make my position clear Tell me what happened thats gotten you upset. If shes not in any danger, whatever you say stays in this room. OK?

Pooh remains standing, deciding whether to sit or to talk further. He finally makes eye contact, and decides to trust Schmuck. He slumps back into the chair and takes a deep breath.

[End of Scene XXII.]

-- just a bored (struggling@screenwriter.wannabe), March 10, 2000.

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