Squirrel King Announces Sought for Questioning

(UPI) Federal authorities today announced that the notorious terrorist, The Squirrel King, was wanted for questioning in connection with the recent rash of 'hacker' or 'cracker' attacks on the well-known web-based sales companies such as E-Bay and Yahoo.
The self-proclaimed leader of the "Rodent Revolution", once thought killed, is now the focus of the FBI ongoing pursuit of the felonious hackers. "We believe that this so-called 'Rat King' or whatever he is calling himself these days is responsible for the recent spate of attacks on our nations largest dot-coms." stated Federal Prosecutor John Painter at a recent news conference. "We will not rest until this kind of felonious, non politically correct socially abberent behavior is crushed beneath our bootheels! I will not rest until I have seen the 'squirrel king' arrested, tried, convicted, executed, stuffed and mounted on my mantlepiece!" Proclaimed the confident prosecutor. When questioned on how a 6 inch high rodent could possibly be responsible, the Federal Prosecutor cited 'high levels of National Security' and left with a "No Comment."

Johnny Cochran, the attourney for the Squirrel King, had this to say; "It's all a bunch of crap. The feds tried to get him once, they tried to get him twice. I am highly confident that the third time we will triumph again. My client is no more guilty of this than President Clinton was of having 'sexual relations' with Ms. Lewinski!"

Speaking on his own behalf, The Squirrel King extolled the virtue of his Rodent Revolution; "If the foul pink and brown furless Ape men wish to battle Me and My Loyal Armies, then they should Beware!!!The Squirrel King does Not run and Cower from the Feds!!!I will be Victorious!!!If I must, I will battle the corrupt and Evil Federal Government of Their own Terms!!!I, We, My Rodent Brothers and Sisters, and our thousands of furless Ape supporters will be Triumphant!!!Be Aware!!!Watch for the Signs!!!Long Live the Rodent Revolution!!!Long Live The Squirrel King!!!"

-- A Squirrel King Press Agent (StillNuts@upina.Tree), February 10, 2000

Answers

Taking your script from Jim Trafficant, I see.

C

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), February 10, 2000.

Of course the Squirrel King didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky. That's ridiculous.

-- Mara (MaraWayne@aol.com), February 10, 2000.

They'll never catch and stuff him, the squirrely transformer King!

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), February 10, 2000.

Naw, the ferret bit Yahoo.

-- Firemouse (firemouse@fcmail.com), February 10, 2000.

The slavish minions of the infamous Squirrel King are rallying Down Under and going high-tech.

Devious Hacker NewsLink

At last our possum revenge is here! We're madder than a flock of galahs up a dead gumtree! Bravo to all ferrets! Viva the rodent revolution!!!Yea to the Squirrel King...Death to the insidious hand- clapping apes!!!!

Regards from OZ - just passing on the hot gossip.

-- Pieter (zaadz@icisp.net.au), February 10, 2000.

Watch out for the Nutcracker. He's taken care of the Mouse King in December. You could be next.

-- A (A@AisA.com), February 10, 2000.

Remain ever vigilant in the rodent war! Trust not the fuzzy-tailed Rodentia Suciuridae Sciurus: they are "soulless minions of evil with black hearts of coal".

But they're damn cute.

-- Steve (hartsman@ticon.net), February 10, 2000.

If the Squirrel`s nut fits

-- NoJo (RSKeiper@aol.com), February 10, 2000.

You must acquit

-- NoJo (RSKeiper@aol.com), February 10, 2000.

hey this squirrel may be able to type but i bet when it comes to carrying out his plot to wreak havoc and devastation, he will not hack, he will chew. i say he will chew wires, steal nuts (maybe Bill's) and the usual kind of squirrel things but on a vast scale. did you chew the wiring on those planes SK?

-- tt (cuddluppy@aol.com), February 11, 2000.

A squirrel was in a tree overlooking my mailbox this morning.

Is anybody else under serveveilance?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), February 11, 2000.