Further to Larry's post of "Stupid People", here is Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck If ..." routine. If I am going to post anything off-topic, it may as well be humor.

You Just Might Be A Redneck if...

• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• Your gene-pool doesn't *have* a deep-end.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
• Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tatoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
• You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You've ever had to scratch out your sister's name in a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
• Youve ever had to climb up the water tower with a can of paint to defend your sisters honor.
• You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
• After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• All of your four letter words are two syllables.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You go to your family reunion to meet women.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
• You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You call your boss "dude".
• You have grease under your toenails.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
• You have ever used lard in bed.
• There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your house.
• You consider drinking a six pack of beer while watching a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
• Less than half of the cars you own run.
• Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
• The main color of your car is "primer."
• You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan.
• Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sporting event.
• You have ever barbequed spam on a grill.
• The neighbors have started a petition concerning your Christmas lights.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture.
• The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front tires.
• You prominently display a souvenir you purchased at Graceland.
• The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute."
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the hell are you looking at?"
• You think Beef Sticks and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You use a rag for a gas cap.
• You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
• You have ever used a weed cutter indoors.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You wait to fart in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse.
• You have a fly strip hanging above your kitchen table.
• Your richest relative needed help removing the wheels from his new house.
• You bring a date to your own wedding.
• You use skoal flavored mouthwash.
• Your idea of wife swapping is a squaredance.
• You introduce "this is my wife and my sister" and there's only one woman standing next to you.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
• You can burp and say your name at the same time.
• You've ever been accused of "lyin' through your tooth."
• You've ever taken a beer to a job interview.

-- Steve Baxter (chicoqh@home.com), January 29, 2000

Answers

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

-- jeile (tjfarrar@bellsouth.net), January 29, 2000.

((((Grin))))

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 29, 2000.

I thought I was in good shape until that last one

-- Ima (slurring@interview.com), January 29, 2000.

Yeah, what's wrong with takin' beer to an interview?

-- Paul milne (fedinfo@halifax.com), January 29, 2000.

Excellent!!

-- Nancy (wellsnl@hotmail.com), January 29, 2000.

In one of my rare honest moments,

I'm willing to admit that the list hit me 83.6%

One reason it wasn't higher is that my pocket knife has a toothpick IN it. So no need to use the knife.

And I DO know how many bales my "car" wiil hold AND how many goats.

-Greybear

-- Got Honesty? (at least for a moment?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), January 29, 2000.

Here's another:

Your girlfriend has a hicky and a black eye at the same time.

-- Beerman (frbeerman@juno.com), January 29, 2000.

20 of those fit me

-- Jeremiah (braponspdetroit@hotmail.com), January 29, 2000.

I'm good for 14.

Beerman: lol

-- silver ion (ag3@interlog.com), January 29, 2000.

My first job after graduating college was as a forestry tech at South Dakota State University. I couldn't travel there for the interview because I was still taking finals, so we did the interview over the phone. I well into my fifth beer when they offered me the job.

-- Sam Mcgee (weissacre@gwtc.net), January 29, 2000.

Steve, that was precious!

How about: you can tell you're a redneck woman if your shirt is strapless but your bra isn't??

-- Marie W. (pray4peace@compuserve.com), January 29, 2000.

ROTFLMAO! Marie, you're my kind of woman! Between that and me smoking in the bathtub, we'd make a great couple. I hope you like quarter horses.

-- Steve Baxter (chicoqh@home.com), January 29, 2000.

If you've ever shot at a "NO HUNTING" sign.

We *do* know how much firewood our 1978 Mercury Grand Marquis will hold.

-- I'm (just@peaceloving.grandma), January 30, 2000.

"You consider drinking a six pack of beer while watching a bug zapper to be quality entertainment."

So what's wrong with that?

-- got another BUUUD hooney? (bugblaster@front.porch), January 30, 2000.

You might be a redneck if you're concerned about in-breeding in your hunting dog's bloodlines, but you don't let it concern you in your family tree.

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), January 30, 2000.

Okay, I admit it...I actually checked my own neck in the mirror after this! Just joshing...although there WAS a petition about my Christmas light display last year. (Something silly about being tooo bright...)

-- Nicholas :-) (Erzahler8@aol.com), February 27, 2000.