In his abdication speech, His Royal Majesty the King of Spain paid tribute to the knowledge imparted by this forum. In pertinent part, he acknowledged gratitude for learning "how to reduce gas from ingested kidney beans." A classic bit of the substantial related literature on that subject follows.

There was a young fellow from Sparta,

A really magnificent farter,

On the strength of one bean,

He'd fart God Save the Queen,

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary with proper persuasion,

His fart to suit the occasion,

He could fart like a flute,

Like a lark, like a lute,

This highly fartistic caucasian.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,

And fizzle a fine serenata.

He could play on his anus,

The Corialanus,

Oof,boom,er-tum,tootle,hum tah-da!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,

He could double-stop fart the Toccata,

He'd boom from his ass,

Bach's B-Minor Mass,

And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager,

With an envious German named Bager,

He'd proceed to fart

The complete oboe part,

Of the Haydn Octet in B-Major.

It went off in capital style,

And he farted it through with a smile.

Then feeling quite jolly,

He tried the finale,

Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,

But it did not dismay him a bit.

Then with ass thrown aloft,

He suddenly coughed,

And collapsed in a shower of shit.

The original Hysterically funny "Beans and Air Quality" thread initiated by the inimitable Rob Michaels, is here:

http://hv.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=000h17

and a follow-up is here:

http://hv.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=001r4W

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), January 22, 2000

Answers

It's the Tapas.

He's leaving, right.......... :)

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), January 22, 2000.

Ah, OG, you do not post here enough. You've reminded me of a book, Le Pitomane: The Strange Life of a "Fartiste" by Garrick H.S. Brown. It is not a work of fiction, but the biography of the gentleman who may have inspired your poem...

"HE MAY FALL slightly outside the standard RETRO 20th century timeframe, however we felt compelled to introduce you to Le Pitomane, one of the most bizarre and unique performers of fin de sihcle France."

For a review, and a picture of the fartiste artists, see Le Petomane

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), January 22, 2000.

Just drop the chalupa, ok?

-- (texmex@hotdog.arf), January 22, 2000.

Isn't the chalupa that got us into this in the first place?

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 22, 2000.

ROTFLMAO

Not sure how I missed that post originally OG, but thanks for the belly laugh.

;-)

-- classic TB2000 (karlacalif@aol.com), January 22, 2000.

Old Git:

Beware of the Potty Patrol. They don't want any mention of intestinal evacuations.

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), January 22, 2000.

I have never, in my whole life, read anything so funny. I laghed so hard, I almost peed my pants.

-- Homeschooling Grandma (mlaymon@glenn-co.k12.ca.us), January 23, 2000.