A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother rushed from the kitchen and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train again, but this time I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

-- Roland (nottelling@nowhere.com), January 21, 2000

Answers

One more...

Performance Review Time

The following quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains cells: one is lost, and the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

-- Roland (nottelling@nowhere.com), January 21, 2000.

LOL - What a way to start the day - still wiping tears away and I know someone who fits just about every definition - and it's the same person!

-- Laurane (familyties@rttinc.com), January 21, 2000.

Some words to live by --

Carpe diem--seize the day.

Carpet diem--seize the carpet.

Car payment diem--seize the checkbook.

Carpe diarrheam--seize the toilet paper.

Carpe duh--seize the idiot.

Carp diem--fish of the day.

Carpal diem--seize the knuckles.

Carnal diem--seize the smut.

Carnival diem--seize the circus.

Carpe doggem--seize the dog.

Carpe carpe--seize whatever's handy.

Carpe de cocoa--seize the chocolate!

-- Wilferd (WilferdW@aol.com), January 21, 2000.