OT - "DILBERT" BOSS CONTEST RESULTS

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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the top 12 finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewingour company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein
Care to offer some of your personal experiences?

-- Jay Urban (Jayho99@aol.com), January 14, 2000

Answers

When confronted with a sticky problem that he didn't understand, one of our managers entoned:

"Whatever the reality is, that's the answer."

-- PHM drone (@ .), January 14, 2000.


A National Executive Director of a VIP association to me, his Exec Asst.: "If you file them alphabetically, you confuse me. I don't think that way."

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), January 14, 2000.

LOL! Jay, thanks!

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), January 14, 2000.

LOL@6.

My boss's response to my agenda item at a staff meeting "y2k update" in July I think:

He read from the MIS director's response: "E-mail will be updated in October, cmhc is already compliant, and payroll isn't compliant," then translated for us: "this means you can still come to work, you just won't get paid."

Luckily, I got paid anyway:)

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), January 14, 2000.


Thanks Jay, please keep 'em coming. I scroll down the list and when I see your name I read that post first. Your posts are priceless. Kyle

-- Kyle (fordtbonly@aol.com), January 14, 2000.


My boss told me he didn't like my work, a week after he told me he loved it. (His boss didn't like it.) I asked why. He said, "We don't know what we want but we want you to give it to us." I did. I quit.

-- bob (bob.bob@bob.bob.bob), January 14, 2000.

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