From one of my word-loving, poetry-loving, music-loving cyberfriends:

Gilbert & Sullivan Online( sung to the tune: "A Modern Major-General)

A Newsgroup Personality

I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.



-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), January 08, 2000

"Out, out damn tag!!

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), January 08, 2000.

Bold off.

Hi Donna! Thanks for the poem, it's sooo appropriate for our infestation of trolls. I'm hoping someone will slip it into the Debunkies' title line... ;-)

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), January 08, 2000.

This would not be off-topic on the new Toilet Paper forum! Not too many have discovered it yest. I posted a song parody there yesterday and only two new postings are above it.

Toilet Paper Chronicles

-- Slobby Don (slobbydon@hotmail.com), January 08, 2000.

Definately a keeper! Please post on TPTB

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 08, 2000.

Donna, If you penned that it is fabulous!!! If not, thanks for the posting. That is one of my daughter's favorite songs! - Ken

-- Ken Seger (kenseger@earthlink.net), January 08, 2000.

Ken,...dang it..wish I had. Nope, came to me by way of Hallyx, who got it from someone else in email. Hallyx asked me to format and post...Voila!

"What never? No, never! What, never??? Well, hardly ever!!!!" (gotta love Gilbert and Sullivan,... not to be confused with Gilbert O'Sullivan - "Alone Again, Naturally" LOL)

A toast to happiness: Ein prosit, ein prosit der Gemutlicheit!

--She in the sheets in an octoberfesting mood!

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), January 08, 2000.

Excellent! BRAVO! BRAVO! I'm going to get up off the floor now.

But I don't think I'll get the tune out of my head for a while. I can hear Kellsy Grammar in his "Sideshow Bob" voice from the Simpsons singing this little number.

And somehow I think I'll never view "Pirates of Penzance" the same ever again. Pirates of CyberPenzance.com anyone?

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), January 08, 2000.

Donna, it comes from here:

http://www.ology.org/eschat/parody/newsgroup.html

and, in slightly different form, was originally entitled the Newsgroup Personality (author unknown). At the main page:

http://www.ology.org/eschat/parody/

you'll find a host more G&S parody gems, like this:

The Newbie's Song

Dave Rogers, dave.rogers@bt-sys.bt.co.uk

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,

I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,

I know the basic elements of alien biology,

And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,

I've seen "The Wrath of Khan" and every Star Trek film that followed it,

I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,

About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,

With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

(ALL: With many cheerful etc.)

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,

And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,

In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

(ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

He is the very model of a Usenet individual. )

I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust,

I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn't want to, I was forced,

I really can't believe the "Good Times" virus to be mythical,

And Clinton's raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical,

I've upset several people on alt.flame, I really don't know how,

And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now,

I have a very poor grip of political geography,

And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography,

(ALL: And absolutely no, etc.)

I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,

And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary,

In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

(ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

He is the very model of a Usenet individual. )

)

In fact, when I know what is meant by "binary" and "FTP",

When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue,

When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC,

And when I know the words initialised to form "http",

When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,

When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car,

In short, when I've a smattering of elementary netiquette,

You'll say a better individual has never surfed the Net.

(ALL: You'll say a better individual, etc.)

For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all

Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL;

But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

(ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,

He is the very model of a Usenet individual. )

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), January 08, 2000.