(For Educational Entertainment Use)

Feds Nab Self Proclaimed "Squirrel King"Held in as Terrorist Suspect

21 October: The F.B.I. today announced the successful capture of the self proclaimed ringeader of a terrorist cell known as "The Rodent Revolution" The Squirrel King, as the leader is known as, was described by officials as a short, furry, rodent with a dark bushy tail.

Officials are hesitant to release many details as this is an ongoing case, but word has been leaked to this reporter that the Federal Government will be attempting to tie the Squirrel King to many acts of sabotage over the past 12 months nationwide.

Moderate to severe power outages, loss of cable, and disappearing Planter peanuts are all blamed on this malicious group of rodents. Officials are pleased with their results, and state "...many more arrests are planned and expected before the millenneal rollover!!!"

Attourney General Janet Reno, while not offering official commentary has been overheard by well placed sources as being "pleased" with the ongoing case. "We got the furry lil' mother!!" proclaimed Zoobie, one of the posse who assited in the apprehention of the wanted felon.

The Squirrel Kings commentary has been limited to his usual rhetoric, proclaiming as he was led away "Fools!!!Nothing can Stop the Revolution!!!" Judge Warren T. Badass quickly imposed a gag order and stated that the Governments case would be tried in secret. Lawyer for the Defense, John Cochran has been heard to say "They haven't got a case! A few acorns, some claw prints, a hair sample, Nothing! I got O.J. off with less effort than this'll take!"

Questions remain however, as the Rodent Revolution is still brewing, and officials fear what retribution may come due to this arrest.

-- The Squirrel King (StillNuts@butBehind.Bars), December 21, 1999

bold off

-- Hate (when th@t.happens), December 21, 1999.

Set Him Free! Set Him Free! Set Him Free!

Set Him Free or there will be Hell to Pay!

-- eubie (eubie@thedefense.com), December 21, 1999.

>"<

-- SH (squirrel@huntr.com), December 21, 1999.

Can't you people see a set-up. First they arrest the squirrel king and then they steal his stash of planters to distribute at shelters. They have planning this for decades. I certainly hope he put an old mattress over his PVC pipe filled with nuts, harder to detect.

-- Squid (ItsDark@down.here), December 21, 1999.

No, it wasn't the real King, it was his decoy dupe! Another foil in the Squirrel Master Plan! TPTB are barking up the wrong tree. In 10+ days the Rodent Revolution will begin their Pain Reign! !!!!

-- Lady Leska (at your service@king.fan), December 21, 1999.

Have faith Squirrel King! I know for a fact that Simon Le Squirrel has hidden a large stash of nuts in my deck planters. I must assume he did this because he is a very GI squirrel and has been stashing for the last few months. He will let no ant beat him in stashing tho we think the grasshoppers are toast. He is also a very militant squirrel and will not let the chickens near - we have had Squirrel battles with the chicken protesters long before WTO hit Seattle. ODIN BE WITH YOU!!!

-- Valkyrie (anon@please.xnet), December 21, 1999.

The fact that the King himself "planted" this story should make everyone very fearful. I'm on to your plans, King.

Ever vigilant against the evil, but cute Rodentia Suciuridae Sciurus...

-- Steve (hartsman@ticon.net), December 21, 1999.

------(>"<)------ fat squirrel king, in front of wire

-----((>"<))----- fatter squirrel king, prepared for the feast

----- ? ? ? ------ fried squirrel king, smoking after the feast.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 21, 1999.

The "story" is dated two months ago. Hmmmm. Time dilation? Or a ruse to confuse unsuspecting homo sapiens? The evil plot thickens...

-- Steve (hartsman@ticon.net), December 21, 1999.

He's not short. He's tall.

-- Mrs. Squirrel King (SQPrincess@aol.com), December 21, 1999.

Was tall, ma'am, was tall. ... But now he's hot, so hot he's smoking.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 21, 1999.

What I wanna know is how they infiltrated the cell?! (I dunno about ya'll, but climbing around in a tree with a squirrel-suit on sounds pretty tough.)

How'd they do ya wrong, S.K.? ;-)

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), December 21, 1999.

Ladylogic, look into my eyes.

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), December 21, 1999.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Please, please, do NOT EAT squirrel brains, even marinated.

The eating of squirrel brains has been linked to Parkinson's disease.

-- Lurkess (Lurkess@Lurking.Net), December 21, 1999.

Doesn't do the squirrel much good either....

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 21, 1999.

Folks:

We have Fox Squirrels and Grey Squirrels. A lot of them. But we also have flying squirrels. The cat caught one last night and brought it home. It had little tanks and spray devices under its wings. Maybe that is where the chemtrails are coming from. Why hasn't SK mentioned this? Interesting!

Best wishes,,,

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), December 21, 1999.

Y'all can laugh but the situation is serious!

First it's the Squirrell King but next it's going to be you. I know this because y'all are about as squirrelly a lot as ever I've seen and the Feds will be rounding up all rodentia sympathizers Real Soon Now.

......Alan (who always guards his nuts carefully)

-- A.T. Hagan (athagan@netscape.net), December 21, 1999.

Time for action! The Squirrel King busted! Algerians at the Border! Russian Troops hiding in Montana! Russian Tanks in Fort Hood! McDonalds out of Fries!!! I'm headed for the bunker...

-- Billy Boy (Rakkasan101st@Aol.com), December 21, 1999.

Da Kook family is witcha Squirrly Dood. Let's pass the hat, netizens, fer one of our own!

Kook, not a Nut

-- Y2Kook (Y2Kook@usa.net), December 21, 1999.

This place is going squirrely. You're all nuts!!!

-- bb (b@b.b), December 21, 1999.

If/when/after the Squirrel King were fried, would he fill a "Super Size" a "King Size" or a "Squirrel Size" happy meal?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 21, 1999.

Robert:

Obviously, a King-sized. But because of his fame, it could be auctioned-off at a high price.

Best wishes,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), December 21, 1999.

o!o...squirrrel nuts? Ifyagotembyemyagotum!

Sad to see a king that can't go to his throne anymore. But his high pitched voice cannot be silenced by a bit of nurturing. Don't tell em nuttin' SK. Just you hole up or on or hop on or up or down, K, sk?

-- spun@lright (mikeymac@uswest.net), December 21, 1999.

%_______***** <--- squirrel flattened by truck wheel

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), December 21, 1999.

Questions remain however, as the Rodent Revolution is still brewing, and officials fear what retribution may come due to this arrest.

I have an inside squirrel, the Kings "girl squirrel"....squeals....9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

-- (karlacalif@squirrelgirls.com), December 21, 1999.

Here in Hawaii, mongoose representatives of the rodent sovereignty movement held a rally in support of their mainland counterparts.

Viva le roi! (ok, that's French, I know, but they do Revolution really really GOOD)...

-- Sara Nealy (keithn@aloha.net), December 22, 1999.