Martha Stewart's Christmas letter to TBY2K: Hi Preppers, This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell
you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and
made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf,
got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast
guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast,
but I'll let you all in on a little secret: I didn't have time to
make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before
I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch
of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars
on the ceiling.

While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the
dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made
from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm
wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post
office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. I do hope my breakfast
guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string
together with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

It's a good thing.
Love,
Martha

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze.
I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I
grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
P.S.S. No, King of Spain, I do not mudwrestle!

-- Jay Urban (Jayho99@aol.com), December 16, 1999

Answers

very funny:)

-- Llama man (llama@cool.net), December 16, 1999.

Dear Santa, I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little

thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives aren't concerned with

gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold ...Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet that with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely

microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies it as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy

about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha:

"Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential

people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: After she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at

this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good

smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

-- && (&&@&&.&), December 16, 1999.

Who and where are these people who hang on Martha's every word? I know noone who reads her books or watches her show. I just don't get it. Are most women smarter than me or just stupider? I only know about her through jokes and a Dr.'s office magazine I picked up and read for 10 min. A lot of folks are making her very rich and famous for no reason. This is sad.

-- Carol (glear@usa.net), December 16, 1999.

This thread has done more to encourage my bladder to empty than Mike Taylor in the chat room. LOL. Can I empathize with these thoughts? You betcha!

-- Anita (notgiving@anymore.com), December 16, 1999.

I know of only one person who follows Martha. She routinely redecorates her home and when complete throws a lavish party. Then she sets out to redecorate her home again, repeating the process. That is her life. She has nothing better to do. This is the type of person who takes Martha Stewart seriously.

-- A wannabe (firstinline@slapping.com), December 16, 1999.

I don't want to slap her. I'd like to get invited to one of billionaire Martha's topless parties! She likes to party like it's 1999.... I am sure she has a mudwrestling pit in her backyard. What do you say KOS topless mudwrestling parties at Martha's house!

-- Bill (y2khippo@yahoo.com), December 16, 1999.

Martha has a 'cult'following....not unlike many others:

Stephen King and Danielle Steele Music and movie star fans Rush Limbaugh etc., etc., etc....ad nauseum......however, aren't we glad that there is something for everyone.

Now, don't you wish Y2K had such a following ? For most women, it is much more exciting to plan for a party than to put up a pantry for hard times, and learn how to cook accordingly. As for me, I've done used some 'Martha Stewart' ideas in my time, but any interest now pales when considering my family's future.

-- Kenin Marble (kenin17@yahoo.com), December 16, 1999.

Jay and --&&, that was hysterical! Thanks. What a wonderful laugh. We know for sure Martha Stewart doesn't live at our house, and never will!!!!!! Merry Christmas.

-- suzy (HAYSandCO@aol.com), December 16, 1999.

Martha is a robot. She was assembled by Brookhaven Robots Inc., Montauk, N.Y. She is one of the "Yuppie Bunny" models. She is on fast charge and will never shut up or die. God help us all.

-- Gia (laureltree7@hotmail.com), December 17, 1999.