30 days after the rumored lockdown (or whatever), Klinton will address us for the last (thank God) time. Any thoughts on the text of his speech? Here's mine:

My fellow Americans, I am proud to say we have weathered the storm of y2k, and have come out in better shape than I had hoped. Although we in the Government did not disclose the severity of the events which occurred leading up to and during the event timeframe, we felt it was in the best interest of the country and its position in the world to do so. I am sorry that so many of you have had your lives upset by this crisis, and the federal agencies are working hard to bring our great nation back to its feet once again. For those of you who have ad to leave your homes temporarily, and are now staying in one of the many shelters in our cities, I know you have not had the best information given to you. I will tell you now that we came out better than many other nations. As I say this, many nations in Africa, asia, and some in Europe are struggling to rebuild their countries from massive failures. I am sure you join me in praying for them to regain their strength quickly. I am also sure you will join me in praying for the unfortunates in Russia who were affected by the terrible accident at (name of nuclear power plant here).

I must also bring bad news for those who until now have been cut off. During the first few hours of january 1, several terrorist attacks occured simultaneously across our great nation. Several key areas of our nation's infrastructure were heavily damaged, including several power plants, two federal buildings, one in Atlanta, and one in Seattle, and several railyards and trucking distribution centers. It may take months for this damage to be repaired, and we will devote all available resources to fixing the damage from these attacks. We will also be dealing very severely with the organizations responsible, in the strongest manner possible. In addition, we have entered a state of heightened alert after the forcible occupation of taiwan by China, several locations in eastern Europe by Russia, and the resumption of hostilities between India and Pakistan including a minor exchange of nuclear weapons. At this time, we have no intention of becoming involved in any of these issues, but as our interests lie with several of these areas, we should remain on guard against the escalation of these hostile acts to include those interests.

Despite these unfortunate incidents, however, our rebuilding will go on. I have been told by the FEMA commanders in all seven regions that power should be restored to 80 percent of their areas within the next few days, with water and sewer shortly after. Additionally, food deliveries have continued around the clock to all designated disaster relief sites and will continue for those of you who are unable to return home. I am assured that we have enough supplies for anyone who needs food until the weather warms up. I would like to take this opportunity to encourage those of you who have not taken advantage of the shelters to do so, as you will be provided with food, heat, and accomodation for your entire family without cost. If you cannot travel to a shelter, but wish to, you can signal any National Guard vehicle on Citizens Band channels 1-20 and 35 through 40, or on the 2 meter Ham radio Band. If you do not have radio equipment, the National Guard, augmented by reserves and active duty forces of the Army, Marines, and Air force, as well as some of the militias who have volunteered in this effort, will begin to make regular patrols through all areas beginning February 1. At that time, yuo may signal one of these vehicles by waving them over. I hope you will all take this opportunity to bring yourselves and your familis into the safety of the shelters until the crisis passes. In conclusion, I know we have been through a terrible ordeal, and we will have to suffer a while longer before our natin returns to the greatness it once knew. I belive, however, that our american spirit will prevail, and we will emerge stronger, and will move on into the twenty-first century with new confidence. Thank you.

(end speechifying)
This would be followed by an announcement that further details of the shelter evacuation program would come in later broadcasts.

-- Little Pig (littlepig@brickhouse.com), December 14, 1999

Answers

This is ........ so likely, Little Pig.................

Printing this off and contemplating how different socio-economic groups will react to this speech, WHEN, not IF, it's given.

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), December 14, 1999.

Hmmm...if it were anyone other than Clinton saying it I'd almost buy it. Do you really think he'd be that honest?

-- Ludi (ludi@rollin.com), December 14, 1999.

Hey Pig,

Pleeaasssseeeee use 2-3 sentence paragraphs. None of the rest of us can read all this bulky, jumbled stuff......

-- Vernon Hale (create@premiernet.net), December 14, 1999.

Do they have a date now for the state of the union speech? Last I heard, white house press secretary said the date had been selected, but would not be released to the public yet. weird.

-- (normally@ease.notnow), December 14, 1999.

Sound like Klintoon's describing his bridge to the 21st century. Looks like the original Tacoma Narrows suspension bridge to me.

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), December 14, 1999.

Close, but no cigar. Here, let me fix it for you:

"My fellow Americans, I am proud to say we have weathered the storm of y2k, although we have come out in far worse shape than I had hoped. Although my trusted assistants -- men, such as John Koskinen, whom I entrusted with the Government positions vital to our success over the so-called "Y2K Problem" -- did not honestly disclose to me the severity of the events which occurred leading up to and during the event timeframe, and I believed them, and relayed their lies to you, my beloved American Subjects.

"I've taken the appropriate measures against the traitors, these masters of deceit, and I assure you that they will never hold high ranking government office again, for the duration of my remaining second term as your President."

-- Ron Schwarz (rs@clubvb.com.delete.this), December 14, 1999.

Little Pig,

I recommend the following changes/additions: change the single nuclear power plant accident in Russia to "the several accidents." Don't forget to mention the apology for having to declare some form of martial law, as "we had to get the guns out of the hands of those greedy people, who having hoarded all that food, threatened the many innocent children of America."

What about the suspension of elections during the emergency?

-- Phread (lurking@y2k.com), December 14, 1999.

The New World Order has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the World rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, all governments have conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and have accepted a 5-month phase-in plan that would be known as "NWO-English". In the first month, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond month when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf 20% shorter! In the 3rd month, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th month, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz monz ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and vriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer. Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

----Klinton

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), December 14, 1999.

justme: Hysterical!!! (aplawz, aplawz...)

-- StanTheMan (heidrich@presys.com), December 14, 1999.

priceless commentary, hope we see more of this, well written too

-- Llama man (llama@cool.net), December 14, 1999.

Vern: Sorry about the dense writing. However, remember: this _is_ a politician talking. It isn't supposed to be completely legible.

Sorry about the typos. I didn't check the last few sentences, 'cause I had to run. Yes, I think on reflection, there will be more than one nuke problem in Russia. I don't think Klinton will apologize for a Martial Law/State of Emergency imposition until after it is lifted. More specifically, he will probably apologize during the speech where he announces the crisis is over and the restrictions have been lifted. You know: "...I have been advised by the FEMA commanders, representatives of the power companies, railroads, and the Mayors of the major cities across the nation that our infrastructure has been remediated to the point where it can function reliably again. It therefore gives me great pleasure to announce that I am lifting the provisions of the State of Emergency in all seven FEMA districts, with the exception of the curfews in New York, Washington DC, Atlanta, Jacksonville, Chicago and Los Angeles. These will be shortened to span the period from 11:00 pm to 5 am rather than sundown to sunup. At this time, I would also like to apologize to the American people for the inconveniences created by the State of Emergency, and the hardships it has brought some of you. I know there is no way this sort of damage can ever be redressed, and I hope we can find a way to move past this unpleasant episode in our nation's history and continue on with the task of rebuilding our country and helping it move into the new millennium..."

(end speechifying) I hope I got his tone right. To me it is really easy to imagine him saying this (tone of voice, etc.. sitting in the mock-up of the oval office in the bunker somewhere in the VA mountains).

Justme: So, the actual NWO language is not English or German, but "Peter Sellers/Clouseau Franglish"? That's how it sounds if you read it aloud.

-- Little Pig (littlepig@brickhouse.com), December 15, 1999.

Little Pig--- Or, my father-in-law when he's really tired and has reverted to speaking Finnglish.

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), December 15, 1999.

justme: absolutely hilarious! Funniest thing I've read in ages!

-- I'm (laughing@myass.off), December 16, 1999.