HOW TO BATHE A CAT ================================= 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have the lid & seat lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both seat & lid (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both seat & lid.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, THE DOG

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), November 22, 1999

Answers

(snicker)

watchin' the flyin' cat...

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), November 22, 1999.

Here's another funny one... Yourdon died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Diane and the Stealth SYSOP, were sent for.

Diane went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Diane said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Diane looked and said, "Nope, ain't Yourdon." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought the Stealth SYSOP in to identify the body. The Stealth SYSOP took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and the Stealth SYSOP looked down and said, "No, it ain't Yourdon." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Diane said, "Well, Yourdon had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Yourdon with them two assholes".

-- Mr. Funny (Mr@funny.com), November 22, 1999.

Mr. Funny.... YOU AREN'T...

growlin' under the bridge...

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), November 22, 1999.

Please delete Mr. Not-at-all-funny's post, and this sentence when that is accomplished.

Here is a related piece someone named TACandFamily posted on a lesser forum back in September:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

www.y2ksafeminnesota.com

-- MinnesotaSmith (y2ksafeminnesota@hotmail.com), November 22, 1999.

Gee, thanks, Dog. Guess you've never seen a pouch crawl out of a washing machine after the spin cycle?

Cats rule, dogs drool!

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), November 22, 1999.

How do you turn a cat into a dog?

.....Dip cat in gasoline.

.....Toss lighted match to make contact.

.....Cat say: WOOF!

-- Patrick (pmchenry@gradall.com), November 22, 1999.

Patrick, may you find a rotten mouse under your pillow.

-- Brooks the Cat (brooksbie@hotmail.com), November 22, 1999.

I KNEW it would happen sooner or later.

They're fightin like cats and dogs.

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), November 22, 1999.

"The best cat is a flat cat"

-- Y2KGardener (govegan@aloha.net), November 23, 1999.

Just kidding Brooks,

Ya oughtta come over for some catnip sometime... talk about silly humans...

loungin' on the bed... (BAD DOG!)

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), November 23, 1999.