NEW YORK (Reuters) - The Department of Commerce released statistics late yesterday to allay Y2K fears.

"With the airing of 'Y2K: The Movie' on NBC later this evening, we didn't want to take any chances," stated an unnamed official (who will be referred to as "Mr. Commerce" throughout this article). "We can't keep saying 'There's no problem' when the truth is about to be exposed."

The government has decided to allow Commerce to take point on this one, as it has the statistics to back up it's claims. Mr. Commerce states "Our research verifies that there will be massive problems due to Y2K, but our statistical data shows that the public has been preparing for this very phenomena for at least 30 years."

"Each year for the past 30 years, beginning around Thanksgiving, literally millions of shoppers have flooded their local shops and marts buying supplies in preparation for the millenium bug. Once again, John (and Jane) Q. Public know best. They are ready for whatever awaits us at midnight, December 31, 1999."

Asked about recent statements of denial issued by John Koskinen on behalf of the US government, Mr. Commerce responded "Shill! John's a paid shill, but he performed admirably."

"This marks a new direction for the government, and a new department to lead in the dissemination of information about Y2K. Commerce: We know what is going to happen, and we're not afraid to tell you about it!" exclaimed Mr. Commerce.

Mr. Reporter

-- Mr. Reporter (mr@reporter.com), November 22, 1999

Answers

Eating leftover turkey thru April. Now, THAT'S depressing.

-- I'm Here, I'm There (I'm Everywhere@so.beware), November 22, 1999.

Link please?

-- smfdoc (smfdoc@aol.com), November 22, 1999.

Yeah, I'm REAL suspicious as to whether this article is legit.

-- King of Spain (madrid@aol.cum), November 22, 1999.

Hard to believe that a gov't dept. would literally do a 180. What, not towing the line! Need that link. Thanks

-- thomas saul (thomas.saul@yale.edu), November 22, 1999.

Um..guys, that was obviously a tongue-in-cheek "article" from Mr. Reporter.

""Our research verifies that there will be massive problems due to Y2K, but our statistical data shows that the public has been preparing for this very phenomena for at least 30 years."

That would be called "Black Friday" that you refer to. Impossible to drive around my suburb that day, let alone getting into a store parking lot. I never could understand idiots venturing outside on Black Friday.

-- (not@now.com), November 22, 1999.

Guys...it's a joke...kind of funny, though. I like the part about increased shopping each year during the holidays.

-- Jill D. (jdance@mindspring.com), November 22, 1999.

Jill, Thanx... not enough coffee yet this a.m.

-- thomas saul (thomas.saul@yale.edu), November 22, 1999.

Har, har, har.

For some REAL info from the Dept. of Commerce see: Y2K and the Global Trading System

Y2K ... its not just a movie.

-- Linda (lwmb@psln.com), November 22, 1999.

Er, isn't humour supposed to be, well, funny?

-- Colin MacDonald (roborogerborg@yahoo.com), November 23, 1999.