I have been married for 20 yrs. and have been emotionally and physically abused all those years. I can't get the nerve to leave my husband for fear of what he'll do to me. I keep thinking that I will ruin my children's (16 & 9) lives if we leave because of their educational and future status plans that their father has for them. Will I be ruining their future too if I take them away from their father? He doesn't physically abuse them but has mentally abused them from time to time.

-- Anonymous, November 15, 1999

Answers

rose, there is no way for me to write now, but please feel free to write me back. I hope you can do it ASAP.

LAURA

-- Anonymous, November 15, 1999

Rose- You should definetly leave your husband not just for your children's sake but your own. You will only find true happiness when you can feel safe for yourself and your children. If you don't leave it will effect your children in the future. You may believe that they don't know what their father is doing to you but they do, they will be emotionally scarred. Get help.

-- Anonymous, November 29, 1999

Talking from experience Iam telling you that you need to get out now. Not tomorrow or the next day but now. You do not realize that mental abuse is the worse. You have put up with it for too long and now you need to find your freedom and give your chgildren the life they deserve, it might not be too late for them. Save them!! And most importantly save yourself!

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!! I am only 19 years old, and I left the day before our 4 month anniversary.....it was more mental and emotional abuse than anything, but it hurt SO BAD and I was going insane, I was physically ill with so much stress and headaches, nausea, vomiting, passing out, chest pain, I was his slave, we both worked 40 hours a week yet I was the one who had to do all the cooking and cleaning, if I asked for help, he'd go crazy, if I even asked how his day was he'd start in. I knew him for 7 years before our marriage and loved him so deeply, but he is not worth this...you must leave for your, your friends and family's sake!!!! You will be amazed at how much everyone will be willing to help you, and how much they will support you. I know that I never thought I had so many friends until now. I left on 1-10-00, today is 1-13-00 and already I am mentally and physically so much better!!

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

If you are afraid of what he will do to you if you leave, you need to plan your leaving very carefully. Please contact a women's shelter and get their help in creating a thorough plan which ensures your and your children's safety.

If your children have been witnesses to the abuse by your husband, they have been abused by him. What I mean is, children are likely to be terrorized into good behavior if they see their mother--or only one of the children, which is often the case--abused. Furthermore, their beliefs about what a husband does and is entitled to do, has been--and is continuing to be--formed by his behavior and by your willingness to stay and be subjected to it. This is abuse of the children, too. Their future has already been impaired by his husbanding & parenting, and it will continue to be impaired the longer they stay in a home with him.

Too many women (and sometimes the children, too) are killed when they leave their partners because they didn't trust their fears about what could happen if they left, so plan carefully. But *don't* let your fears keep you from finding a way out. If he has guns, or if he has verbally threatened your life, that *has* to be taken into account in your planning, so talk to experts at a women's shelter. They deal with this over and over again.

Do not, in *any* case, tell him that you are leaving and do not threaten to leave. That can be fatal.

Men who abuse (and women, for that matter), behind their bullying, are most usually extremely vulnerable emotionally. Don't try to heal that vulnerability--if he has been unwilling to get professional help, he is not interested in changing himself (or he believes he is incapable of change), and therefore you cannot save him. Just get out and save yourself and your children.

Good for you for posting your questions here--but don't let your actions stop here. And good luck!

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2000

Dear Rose,

i really belive that you should leave your husband, because, if he hurts you, your children are next. get out as fast as you can ( i might be new to this site, but you should really think about leaving!) plaese feel free to e-mail me @ Serena1123@youngpoets.com (ASAP)

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2001

Yes, thank you I have just recently left an extremly abusive relationship in January 2001, with my husband of 4.7 years and companion of 10 years. At first I discounted his behavior and for religious and moral reasons and continued in it. Time and time again he kept leaving and I kept mourning and taking him back each time. He talked very very bad about me and my child ,told me he hated me and that I was a misteak. He hit me in front of him and when my son came to my rescue that Sunday, he lunged for him. That was it for me. My son 14 had become a victim of domestic violence; I left that Sunday, it took all my strenght to get up from that couch and go, me and the kid, I lost my house, along with some of my pride that day, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Now,when I see the secured look on my son face and the trust he has in me to keep my promise about not returning to that, I FEEL GOOD ALL OVER. We are no longer jumpy or nervous, but can love each other as much as we want. He always told me I loved my son too much. Go figure how can you love a child too much. Life is lonely sometimes, but my son doesn't have to protect me from a bully. I pray that my son will not HOLD on to any of the negative behavior I exposed him to for so many years and understand life was meant to enjoy free from the stress and fear that his mother would be harmed. So Yes if your life is not productive and it's a harmful situation for you and yours GET OUT. In staying will your children truly have a future?

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2001

If you haven't gotten out by now, you should before it is too late for you and your children to have a NORMAL and HAPPY life. Your husband probably won't get help for himself, and if he does, the ONLY help that will STICK and keep him from his abusive nature is JESUS. I STRONGLY suggest you get into a support group in your local church. They will help you with INNER STRENGTH. IF the church suggests that you stay for religious reasons, remember THAT GOD DIDN'T CREATE MARRIAGE FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO ABUSE YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN. HE COMMANDS THAT HUSBANDS LOVE THEIR WIVES AS CHRIST LOVES THEM!!! IF THIS MAN IS NOT SHOWING YOU THE LOVE AND RESPECT THAT JESUS WOULD, GET OUT!!!!! If he has cheated on you or compares you to other women (lusting at other women) this is ADULTRY (Jesus points this out in the New Testament). You are spiritually "unbound" to this man in God's eyes. I left my husband for a short time and turned to the church. Unfortunately, they encouraged me to return to him and this became a BIG MISTAKE. He is STILL the same mentally and verbally abusive person. UNTIL AN ABUSER IS WILLING TO ADMIT THEY NEED HELP AND HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGER AND THAT THEY NEED JESUS, THEY WILL NOT CHANGE!!! THis is what my husband's problem was and still is. I am currently planning to leave him, but planning it carefully. My family only sees his "sweet" side, so they were no help when I left the first time, either. You HAVE TO GO WITH YOUR INSTINCTS!!!! If someone sees him as sweet and polite, they will look down on you if you leave. Find a shelter FAR AWAY from him, and DON'T let his friends, family, or anyone who would tell him where you are know where you went. The shelter and a local church will be your help. JESUS will be your strength.

May God Bless YOU!!!!

-- Anonymous, September 13, 2002

This is my advise to anyone who's tired of being afraid. The only way to face the bullie in you life is to focus on the others suffering that you love. Forget about yourself for a moment, and think of your children only. It takes a strong women to be bold, free and have the desire to live with a man that dosen't respect her. Continue to raise your children, stay focus, tune out the negativities with peaceful thoughts. Love yourself, and slowly a change will come with strength that you will have know control of. What ever your heart and mind manifest for your future will become your devine right. Smile and let the whole world know when your happy! even the bullie next to you.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2003

Rose, you need to get out.. I have been married to a man for 10 years, who verbally and sexually abuses me, and I left but stupid me, came back because I felt sorry for him and now I am looking for the courage to leave again. My children are 21 and 18 and I stayed because he is a wealthy man and could help me support my children. I fell out of love along time ago, when he started demanding I have sex with other men while he watched. He loves to tell me how fat I am and how old I look. I am 40 years old, and I weigh 135 lbs.. 5'7.. I'm not fat.. but when I look in the mirror I see what he sees.. You have to get out and stay out before it's too late.. Dont' go back..

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2003

Rose;

You mentioned the "fear factor" for not leaving. How about feeling sorry for him? Do you still take the blame for his behavior or feel gulity about wanting to leave? If you answered "yes" to these questions you are not ready to leave. If your answered "no" you are ready. Try not to fast forward and imagine your life without him. Remember he has taken away your self esteem and self confidence. Don't imagine what you can't do. Imagine a life without abuse. The good in our universe will guide you after you leave.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2003