http://www.theonion.com/onion3541/frightening_study.html

PALO ALTO, CA--Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.

"In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war."

"I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds."

Oerter then produced a pair of ballpoint pens and plunged them into his eye sockets. Moments later, he drove the imbedded pens deep into his brain by slamming his face repeatedly against the lectern, killing himself within seconds.

At a press conference later that afternoon, Stanford president Gerhard Casper assured members of the general public that steps are being taken to prevent the release of what is being called "The Study Which Must Not Be Named."

"All primary data gathered in the study have been destroyed, as have all research materials used by those involved," Casper said. "The world must never know what was learned here."

Though Casper refused to give any specific information regarding the study, he did note that the heads of numerous Stanford departments, including physics, molecular biology, TV & media studies, religious studies and economics, "cannot be accounted for at this time."

In addition to the missing department heads, two of the study's coordinators have taken their own lives, and three more remain on 24-hour suicide watch at an area hospital. Of the approximately 35 individuals involved in conducting the study, only a handful of junior research assistants and student volunteers retain their sanity.

"I'm not talking about it, and you won't find anyone who will," said 19-year-old Stanford sophomore Craig Blom, who, while working as a part-time lab assistant, saw nothing more than labels on the spines of three-ring binders. "But I'm taking the uncircumcised members of my family and moving to Fiji first thing tomorrow. And I'm not taking my phone or anything made of polystyrene. Or the cat. Definitely not the cat."

"All I'm saying about the findings is that apparently Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin and Thomas Aquinas weren't telling us everything they knew," said Stanford biology chair Dr. Richard Brandt, who was named to the position following his predecessor's self-immolation in a pentagram-festooned San Jose rib shack late Monday night. "Also, without going any further into it, I don't think sales of no-wax floor polish will be dropping any time soon."

At 5 a.m. today, senior advisors woke President Clinton to debrief him on the study, which he promptly ordered classified. Spokespersons for the Pentagon declined to confirm reports that more than 90 percent of the U.S. nuclear arsenal has been directed at the Bay Area for the past 72 hours.

[end]

Click through for the censored chart. Too frightening for me.

-- heehee (haha@ha.ha), November 10, 1999

Answers

I KNEW the little furry criminals were up to something...:

"But I'm taking the uncircumcised members of my family and moving to Fiji first thing tomorrow. And I'm not taking my phone or anything made of polystyrene. Or the cat. Definitely not the cat."

Love it.

-- Lewis (aslanshow@yahoo.com), November 10, 1999.

The Onion *is* great satire.

-- Satire at (its@most.sublime), November 10, 1999.

fellow doomers, lets send this to those we have been trying to convert--this will put em over the edge. maybe they'll take it seriously.

-- tt (cuddluppy@yahoo.com), November 10, 1999.

Check it out for yourself!

http://www.theonion.com/

-- The (satire@is.sublime), November 10, 1999.

LMAO!

This reminds me of Monty Python's "The Most Deadly Joke in the World"

-- . (.@...), November 10, 1999.

It is funny, but Monty Python did it in war documentary format 25 years ago.

If you haven't seen it, you really HAVE been missing something.

-- nothere nothere (notherethere@hotmail.com), November 10, 1999.

LOVE the ONION! We should all send this to DGI/DWGI relative to see if they actually read our mail!

-- cmd0903 (cmd0903@dontcall.com), November 10, 1999.

hee-haha About as funny as a turd in the punch bowl. Original-no, but neither or you...

-- stupidshexterminator (call'en like I sees it@apepoo.com), November 10, 1999.

Remember the old Twilight Zone episode where someone learned a secret that drovew people insane? It got on the radio and the whole town went beserk.

Great page!

-- Forrest Covington (theforrest@mindspring.com), November 10, 1999.

ROTFLMRLAO

One of the funniest pieces I've seen in months.

-Greybear

-- Get Spam.

ps, the RL in the otherwise common acronym above is - Rather Large.

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), November 10, 1999.

Greybear,

Where have you been keeping yourself? You should post more often. Nice to see you again, even if it is for only a short visit. :)

-- (cannot-say@this.time), November 10, 1999.

I SWEAR the photograph in that piece is of John Major, the ex UK prime minister ...

-- Rob Somerville (merville@globalnet.co.uk), November 10, 1999.

tesla had a lot of stuff you should not play with , its not nice to fool with mother nature, if its as bad as they are saying , O SHIT!!

-- MONGO (mongo2@prodigy.net), November 10, 1999.

Copyright

The Onion. is a satirical newspaper published by Onion, Inc. The Onion. uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this web-site--graphics, text and other elements--is ) Copyright 1999 by Onion, Inc., and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. The Onion. is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

HEY , ITHIS IS A HOAX , THE ONION IS A SPOOF PAPER!!! LOOK AND SEE!!! HERE IS THERE COPYRIGHT INFO STUFF, MONGO

-- MONGO (mongo2@prodigy.net), November 10, 1999.

The Onion---best satire since The National Lampoon of the 1970's

-- (onionguy@mad.city), November 10, 1999.

cannot say,

I'm here just about every day. Just don't have much to add anymore.

The quality of the humor above deserved comment.

-Greybear

-- Get Rice.

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), November 10, 1999.

Any Psychologists out there? Why is black humor the best humor?

-- (whistling@the.grave), November 10, 1999.

Because it's got rhythm?

-- Cherokee (Cherokee@qtmail.com), November 11, 1999.