I was chatting recently with an author noted for works in the field of entomology, and she, learning of my recent studies, posed an interesting question: "To which insect would you compare your opponents in this debate?"

It was a question I could not answer at that point in the conversation, though later (over crumpets - I wonder if the crumpets inspired me to return to thought about doomers...) I gave her this answer: "Termites."

When asked to explain, I first disclaimed any profound insight to the inner workings of termite society, and then proceeded thus:

"Termites are appetite-driven creatures. The sum of their existence can be defined in terms of their instinctive desire to consume ad infinitum. This accounts for their nomadism, as well as their fervor when they come upon the object of their desire.

Essentially, they are parasites, with little or no intrinsic value as destructors in a world of constructors. We can ascribe credit to them inasmuch as they assist in the reduction of certain materials to lower forms, but these transformations would occur naturally without their interference. The resultant of their existence is waste and gas."

Fascinated, she added some more insight into the observation, which I will not disclose here now, but perhaps later. All told, it was a pleasantly surprising and entertaining chat.

Entertained Regards,
Andy Ray

-- Andy Ray (andyman633@hotmail.com), November 09, 1999

Answers

Boy, what a cliffhanger.

-- KoFE (your@town.USA), November 09, 1999.

Andy Ray you shouldn't talk about our gubmint that way!!

-- Taz (Taz@aol.com), November 09, 1999.

Obviously, Andy Ray has no knowledge of those African termites that create those huge moundlike hives in the desert. They are constructors par excellence, and live in complex societies in a hostile environment. What is parasitic about people creating moundlike structures of useful foodstuffs in their homes, in an effort stave off bad times? Your analogy makes no sense, it was simply designed to puff up your own sense of self worth. I would suggest that the Ant and the Grasshopper is a social comparison.

-- (dot@dot.dot), November 09, 1999.

What? No MEMES?

-- I'm Here, I'm There (I'm Everywhere@so.beware), November 09, 1999.

I would consider those on the other side of the debate to be ostriches, Andy. Unable to remove their heads from beneath the ground long enough to consider that the winds may have changed....

Maybe vampires would be better, albeit unreal creatures though they are. I find that pollies cannot look in the mirror, abhor working in groups, and vanish in the light of day.

Thoughtfully yours,

Ynott

-- Ynott (Ynott@incorruptible.com), November 09, 1999.

Essentially, they are parasites, with little or no intrinsic value as destructors in a world of constructors. We can ascribe credit to them inasmuch as they assist in the reduction of certain materials to lower forms, but these transformations would occur naturally without their interference. The resultant of their existence is waste and gas."

Raccoons, birds, lizards, rodents, and all other eaters of juicy termite nest proteins would disagree. Termites turn otherwise eternal cellulose into valuable food for higher life forms. In turn, humanity has developed creosote. A balance exists.

Note for pollies: I would suggest those tasty termite eggs be sauteed in a butter and white wine sauce

-- Forrest Covington (theforrest@mindspring.com), November 09, 1999.

"Essentially, they are parasites, with little or no intrinsic value as destructors in a world of constructors."

The above quotation from thread poster illustrates an unfortunate, and common failure of understanding of how complex, organic systems function. I wonder if this obtuseness would change if human beings like A.R. suddenly found himself in other than the coveted "top of the food chain" cat bird seat?

The more things change the more they stay the same re: hubris in bed with ignorance.

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), November 09, 1999.

Gee, what a coincidence. It's still early in the day and we've already seen "Genius", Andy Ray, You KnowWho, Y2K Pro, and Troll Maria. It looks like it's going to be another bad week for the forum. What member of the animal kingdom would I compare trolls to? Well, they multiply like rabbits...

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), November 09, 1999.

I knew someone like Andy Ray once. Got away.

-- SH (squirrel@hunter.com), November 09, 1999.

You know, asshole, you're getting to be almost as annoying as Al-D. (hint hint)

-- a (a@a.a), November 09, 1999.

Donna,

For fey Andy Ray, it works better in French---

Plus ca change, la plus c'est la MEME chose

-- (pepe@le.feu), November 09, 1999.

Ah, the witty chatter of urbane sophisticates! Over crumpets, no less!

You, looking into her eyes. She, looking into yours. Exchanging bon mots. At that moment you felt lifted up beyond your ordinary powers of perception. Your words shimmered. Her gay laughter intoxicated you to greater and greater heights of insight. You walked away with a jaunt in your step. But, Andy Ray, witty chatter is ephemeral, it cannot live beyond the shimmering moment of its birth. Now that you have committed it to writing, you have cruelly exposed it and thereby killed it.

Insight #1: "Termites are appetite-driven creatures."

He says, as he takes another bite of crumpet.

Insight #2: "The sum of their existence can be defined in terms of their instinctive desire to consume ad infinitum. This accounts for their nomadism, as well as their fervor when they come upon the object of their desire."

Try reading this when you are sober. Just try, I dare you. This is how sophomores write when they want to impress the professor. I tried consuming some ad infinitum once. It was stale.

Insight #3: "Essentially, they are parasites [...]"

That entomologist must have been very polite. Termites aren't parasites. Not to mention their essences.

Insight #4: " [...] with little or no intrinsic value as destructors in a world of constructors."

Now you're just riffing on words. Facts have flown out the window and you are in the realm of Anything Goes If It Sounds Good.

Termites build nests. Clearly they are builders, or constructors. On the other hand, we humans may make houses, but in doing so we destroy trees. We also make farms, but destroy wetlands. We build cars, but we also strip-mine mountains and leave behind slag heaps. Clearly, we are destructors. So what does this say about our "intrinsic value"?

Insight #5: "We can ascribe credit to them inasmuch as they assist in the reduction of certain materials to lower forms, but these transformations would occur naturally without their interference."

Ascribe? Inasmuch? Andy! Baby! You are just TOO HOT! Tootle that epiglottis, man! Make them words SING! Oh MY!

But, now that we have admired your stylish effusions, I'd like you to tell me how cellulose would be transformed into proteins "naturally", without the "interference" of termites? As far as I know, termites are almost the only organism on the planet that are capable of producing this transformation.

Insight #6: "The resultant of their existence is waste and gas."

Resultant? Ooops! You flatted a note there. But I *loved* this tidbit:

"Fascinated, she added some more insight into the observation, which I will not disclose here now, but perhaps later."

This is a classic line. Somewhere along the lines of "For the good of the group, I modestly concealed my enormous penis, knowing the mere sight of it could only dismay the men and distract the women."

Anyway, thanks for the entertaining article. If you have any more brilliant observations you want to toss off in your spare moments, please feel free.

-- Brian McLaughlin (brianm@ims.com), November 09, 1999.

Termites are part of an important whole. Just because something participates in a something's decay or dismantlement does not make it intrinsically evil. In nature the ability to decompose old matter is absolutely essential to the maintenance of the ecosystem. In the economy, businesses which are too poorly-managed to withstand economic "termites" are allowed to rot and die so that more-efficient ones can rise to take their place.

On our own bodies, cells must die at the same rate they are replenished--in an orderly and non-toxic way--or we soon find ourselves stricken with cancer. Our own bodies' termites--macrophagic kinds of cells--chew on and consume all the weak and dead cells of the body in such a way that the total organism's energy intake is kept at an optimal level. Important and energetically-expensive molecules are thus recycled rather than annihilated or completely excreted.

In the artifical world we humans have constructed for ourselves, naturally the knee-jerk thing to say is that termites and their human malcontent analogues are all bad. But this overlooks what termites did to survive before Manhattan's megatons of concrete sprung from the earth. And it overlooks the importance of building things with a bit of foresight that are intrinsically resistant to "termites."

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), November 09, 1999.

"Somewhere along the lines of "For the good of the group, I modestly concealed my enormous penis, knowing the mere sight of it could only dismay the men and distract the women.""

Kudos on an easy but well-said translation, Brian. ROFLMAO!

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), November 09, 1999.

Brian,

LOL LOL! Bravo for the most sophisticated wit in response to a troll posting. Thank you.

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), November 09, 1999.

Brian,

I am really, really flattered that you would take the time to write all that - and about me, no less! Just the thought of any doomer taking some of their remaining precious moments to respond to a post of mine - and such a lengthy response, too - is inspiring and rather encouraging.

It is a compliment in it's most absolute form: action, not words. And I thank you.

Flattered Regards,
Andy Ray

-- Andy Ray (andyman633@hotmail.com), November 10, 1999.

Andy Ray, mon cher, if you consider that taking time to write about you is flattering, then all I can say is: you flatter yourself. I can only compete for second place in that contest.

-- Brian McLaughlin (brianm@ims.com), November 10, 1999.

http://agnews.tamu.edu/stories/ENTO/Feb2697c.htm

TERMITES CAN ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL

Writer: Edith A. Chenault, (409) 845-2886, e-chenault1@tamu.edu Contact: Dr. Roger Gold, (409) 845-5855

COLLEGE STATION -- Termites. The word strikes fear in any homeowner's heart. But they are actually beneficial, downright necessary in fact.

Before you gasp in shock, think about this. According to Dr. Roger Gold, urban entomologist with the Texas Agricultural Extension Service, termites are one of the few animals that have the ability -- with the protozoans and bacteria in their gut -- to digest cellulose, more commonly known as wood.

"Cellulose is a very inert ingredient in the environment that is hard to break down," Gold said. Termites are able to break it down and through their flatulence -- yes, flatulence -- they contribute significantly to the nitrogen so necessary to the air we breathe.

"And if it were not for termite flatulence, then we would not be able, as human beings, to survive on this planet. We don't want to destroy all of the termites. They are considered beneficial except when they are in your house or my house," Gold added.

Termites would be hard to get rid of anyway. Gold estimates that termites have been around on earth for 350 million years and are one of its most successful animals.

"Most people figure they must weigh about 12 pounds a piece because of the damage they can do," Gold said, "but actually they are really very small insects. They have a social structure where they have kings and queens and soldiers."

On the other hand, the treatments to get rid of them are expensive. An estimated $250 million is spent by Texans on repairs and treatments, he said.

There are about 2,200 species of termites in the world -- 22 of which reside in the state. Three of these are considered serious pests of homes, buildings and furnishings in Texas, he said.

The most common is the subterranean termite, aptly named for its penchant for building its home in mud tubes in the ground. Even now, these are performing their mating rites through swarms brought on by late winter and early spring rains.

Subterranean termites are dark black and about 1/4 to 3/8 of an inch in size. Initially when they swarm, they have two pairs of transparent wings which they lose rapidly. The queen termite will quickly try to find a place where there is damp wood in contact with the soil.

Preventative treatments when a house is constructed will last about four to five years, according to Texas A&M research. Post- construction treatments can entail either traditional pesticides injected into infested areas of the building or through baits carried to the queen and other reproductive termites by workers.

The second is the Formosan termite. This is also a subterranean species, but it can build its nests above ground. It also has a voracious appetite and eat about four times as much as the subterranean termite.

An introduced species to the state, it has made itself quite at home in the Galveston and south Houston area, but isolated colonies have been found in Austin and Fort Worth. Gold said if homeowners or pest control operators think they've found a colony of Formosan termites, researchers would be interested in receiving some of the kings, queens or soldiers so Texas A&M University can plot their movement in Texas.

Formosan termites build what's called a carton nest -- pulling mud up into the structure itself. Control is a little more challenging, Gold said, because if the colony is cut off from the ground by a chemical treatment, it will continue to survive. Pest control operators have to rely on the bait technology or a chemical barrier in conjunction with fumigation.

The third species is the dry wood termite, which will move right in with you. It can devour furniture, cabinetry and wooden beams.

Dry wood termites are a little larger and lighter in color than the subterranean termite. They also do not have to have contact with moisture, so the homeowner might not see mud tubes. Control is a little different, too -- usually a call to a carpenter to remove the colony and rebuild that part of the house will do it, Gold said. Occasionally, where there is a large colony and extensive damage, it may be necessary to tarp the home and inject fumigant gas.

"Termites are a major challenge to all Texans. Like I say, if you live in Texas long enough, you will experience termites in one form or another," he said.

-- termites are (preferable@to.parasites), November 10, 1999.

"I was chatting recently with an author noted for works in the field of entomology..."

Uh, her name wouldn't be C. Gerges would it? And what, pray tell, works of note?

"Essentially, they are parasites, with little or no intrinsic value as destructors in a world of constructors."

Your lingo has brought more entertainment to this thread than the more accurate 'decomposers in a world of producers' would have.

-- flora (***@__._), November 10, 1999.

Always happy to help someone prep, Andy Ray.

The June 20, 1970 (vol.26, no.6) issue of Science Digest offers this termite recipe:

1 pint termites

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1/2 teaspoon salt

Remove termite wings, if any. Spread termites on stone to dry in sun. Pour oil in pan and spread dried termites on it. Toast over hot coals until almost crisp. Sprinkle with salt. "It helps the flavor, say those that have tried the recipe, if you eat the termites in handfuls." Science Digest credits the Bantus with this recipe and reminds readers that there is "lots of vitamin B" in termites.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 10, 1999.