A NEW ELEMENT FOUND Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Administratium. Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. They are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the Critical Morasses.

-- Jay Urban (jurban@berenyi.com), October 05, 1999

Answers

LOL, LOL...Brilliant...!!!

You should submit this to "The Onion" (www.theonion.com)or some other satirical (sp?) mag. You've got nothing to lose by trying!

-- mar (derigueur2@aol.com), October 05, 1999.

Exactly! We've collided with this boggy element and now avoid it at all costs. Black hole properties. Memes too!

Jay, you're a kick ;^) Zippy posts. Thanks ;^D

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), October 05, 1999.

Jay,

LOCGOH! (Lots Of Chuckling Going On Here) What a great way to start off the morning! Sure beats gloomy news on the homefront. Thanks!!

-- TM (mercier7@pdnt.com), October 05, 1999.

This rare earth element is a left-handed twin isotope of Unobtainium, which must have been in abundance about 30 years ago, but has mysteriously degraded since. Unfortunately, a lot of my 1969 AMC Ambassador's motor parts and electrical components were formed from this stuff.

-- Jay Urban (jurban@berenyi.com), October 05, 1999.

I love it.

-- Lane Core Jr. (elcore@sgi.net), October 05, 1999.

Jay, Is that an original? Quite good! I love this kind of stuff. (Obviously!)

The Toilet Paper Chronicles: Gallows Humor from the Y2k Underground



-- Marianne Michaels (scipublic@aol.com), October 05, 1999.

The intial report of the discovery of Administratium appeared several years ago, but that does not diminish its ROTFL value. :-)

Jerry

-- Jerry B (skeptic76@erols.com), October 05, 1999.

(^_^), :-)

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), October 05, 1999.

/ \ ' ' ~ \___/

-- Jay Urban (jurban@berenyi.com), October 05, 1999.

A related problem is known as bureacracyitis AKA proliferation of the absurd. Some Federal Agencies now have various efforts to improve the programs commonly known as Stewardship Plans, Quality Initiatives, Seven Steps, Process Improvements etc. etc. etc. etc. These plans do not address waste, inefficiency, or incompetence. There is a major problem with these initiatives. Management absolutely refuse to consider the number one cause of 90 per cent of the problems which is an effort to do the work by the schedule date. They say quality and production but we all know the priority is to meet the schedule and try to have quality too. It doesn't happen and the Quality teams do not dare raise the issue. They meet the schedule and have to redo the work which is completed later than would happen if the emphasis was truly on quality. Hundreds of millions of dollars are wasted by State Agencies in one State due to this mindset. The old timers who can see what is going on are either ignored or criticized for being negative. The numbers are even published in the newspapers but the writer does not recognize the extent of the problem caused essentially by the legislature and politicians who refuse to recognize how much meeting the schedule so they can provide projects for their constituents really costs the taxpayers. The reports are sanitized to not critize efforts to meet the schedule. I could prove over $1 Billion wasted in one State agency in one state in a 10 year period. Like Everett Dirksen said many years ago, "A billion here, a billion there, soon you are talking about real money." You could count the number of politicians with intergrity on one finger.

I am not talking about Y2k projects where a specific date must be met. I am talking about construction projects where the construction date could be extended two months to allow better coordination and a better engineered project.

-- Curly (Curly@3stooges.gom), October 05, 1999.