I've been trying to find a few funny threads since someone requested them yesterday.. here's one: (another was Shakespearean?, featuring Hardliner, Robert & Andy - I'm trying - somebody help?)

Link

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), September 28, 1999

Answers

From the interminable thread "Decker Hoist with his own petar..."

(http://www.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=000xCc)

(Beige-walled office of faceless government agency. COOK, a middle- aged operative in a somewhat shiny grey suit, picks up telephone and speaks to secretary, percussing metal utility desk with fingertips. ANDY, his assistant, slumps in corner, drinking a Diet Pepsi.)

COOK: Cindy? Get Hardliner in here! Pronto! (Slams down receiver.)

ANDY (eyes widening slighty): Hardliner in trouble?

COOK: Yeah. Big time.

(HARDLINER enters COOK'S office.)

HARDLINER: You wanted me?

COOK: Yeah. Take a seat. (HARDLINER sits in corner.) Who's this Shakespeare guy you quoted at the top of your thread?

HARDLINER: Oh. (laughing noiselessly) C'mon. Don't you know? I mean, everyone knows he's, you know, a writer.

COOK: Never heard of him. You ever heard of him, Andy?

ANDY: Uh...maybe. Isn't he that guy who wore a...you know, a doublet?

COOK (glaring): What's a goddamned doublet?

ANDY: Just, I dunno. A British thing. (Sips soda nervously.)

COOK (to HARDLINER): Decker's used his name too, at the bottom of the thread. (ANDY and HARDLINER wince slightly at mention of Decker's name.) Looks like he knows this guy better than you, Hardliner.

HARDLINER: Yeah, well, he just quoted him more fully. I got the idea.

COOK: Look, dimwit. I want facts. Who is this Shakespeare guy? Reputation? Character? Background and credentials!! Jeesh! How many times do I have to knock this into your thick skull? We need background, and credentials!! This ain't no training camp, twit! This is the big time! Now I want this guy's dossier by 2 p.m. Got that?

HARDLINER (sighing heavily): Yes, sir. (Leaves office.)

COOK (yelling after him): Records! Reports! Miscellaneous pertinent data!

(2:15 p.m. HARDLINER leans forward in chair, a single piece of paper in hand. He hands it to COOK, who scans it briefly.)

COOK: You haven't told me a goddamn thing! This is all speculation! Where'd the guy go to school?

HARDLINER: We don't know much about him, sir. His background is...murky.

COOK (incredulously): You checked all the crime lab records? Basement archives?

HARDLINER: Yeah. And the local library. No one has a clue about this guy. He just...wrote stuff. His reputation is based solely on what he wrote.

COOK (red-faced): Your reputation will be murky, you dumb goon, if I don't get more facts! By the end of the day! All the training and teaching we lavished on you has been wasted! Wasted! (COOK belches loudly and bangs his fist on desk. ANDY slurps Pepsi, wide-eyed.) I want the dope on this guy by 5 p.m. sharp or you're sacked! Get it?!

HARDLINER: Yeah. I get it.

COOK (in a screeching voice): Now get your skinny ass out of here and get to work!!

(4:50 p.m. HARDLINER sits in chair confidently, a slim folder in hand.)

HARDLINER (reading aloud): Shakespeare was born in 1561. He led an important public life as statesman and jurist. He was the younger of two sons of Sir Nicholas Shakespeare, Lord Keeper of the Great Seal. But the sudden death of his father in 1579 left him with small means and he had to begin making his own way in life. He entered Parliament in 1584, but office was long in coming. He became Solicitor-General in 1607, Attorney-General in 1613---(COOK's face relaxes a little)--- Privy Councillor in 1616, Lord Keeper in 1617, and Lord Chancellor in 1618. He was knighted in 1603, and created Baron Verlam in 1618, and Viscount St Albans in 1621---

ANDY: Hey---wait! Ain't that Francis Bacon you're talkin' about?

HARDLINER (to ANDY, coldly): Bacon? You mean the guy with all the gambling debts? The deep, outstanding, bottomless GAMBLING debts?

ANDY (stunned): Yeah. Oh, right. Sorry. Wrong guy.

COOK (suspicious): Wait a minute. Is it, or is not Bacon? What the hell are you guys talkin' about?

ANDY: I just got confused. Nothing. Really.

COOK (impatiently): Give me the folder. (Examines folder a few minutes.) Impressive work. But what is it that Decker's quoting from?

HARDLINER: He calls it "Hamlet," but it appears to be, in fact, from the "New Atlantis."

COOK: Are you sure?

HARDLINER (glancing at floor): Sure I'm sure.

ANDY: Impressive. Very.

COOK: Good work, men. (consults watch) Well, it's already after five, and you know how I feel about working after five! This is a government agency, after all! (general hilarity as they all stand up) See ya tomorrow, boys.

-- Archivist (basement@files.com), September 28, 1999.

That's it! Interminable, indeed! Thanks, archivist!

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), September 28, 1999.