LINE SECURITY GRUNT
PREPS FOR Y2K!
by Roger Malone
Copyright (C) Tuesday, August 24, 1999. All Rights Reserved.

It will quite probably get quite ugly when Y2K comes to pass. I ought to know; Ive gotten a look at some things that the general public doesnt know about.

Thats why Im doing what I can to prepare for this event; including doing my damndest not to be in any major metropolitan area the last week of December 1999 until after the end of the first week of January 2000.

I flat-out dont want to be there if all Hell breaks loose. Ive done my homework about major riots; the New York City outbreak of looting and burning following the blackout in the 1970s, the South LA Riot following the acquittal of the LA cops who had pounded on Rodney King by a California State Criminal Court Jury, plus other memorable eruptions during the past two decades.

Besides a line security officer for one of the contract private security agencies(in other words a rent-a-cop for a contract private security company that got the contract by submitting the lowest bid)Im now a PC computer technician. I recently completed my training and received my certification from my hometowns community college. Now I am competent to rig, install, repair, service, and maintain IBM-compatible computers and their peripherals, either as stand-alone systems or as part of a LAN1 or WAN.2 I have a working knowledge of Windows NT and Windows 98 along with previous versions of same, and most of the Microsoft Windows-based programs in common use.

Desktop PCs(Personal Computers, formerly referred to as IBM-Compatible Personal Computers because they could use the same operating system programs and other software as Big Blues desktop personal computers)will not fare badly; Microsoft has downloadable Service Packs to fix actual or potential flaws that could cause Y2K-related problems, and anyone with half a brain is downloading them. I have, and I continue to check out their home page at http://www.microsoft.com for new offerings. My system is as Y2K-ready as possible. However, that is not the case with all too many mainframe computer systems, the big boys using zip-drive discs the size of VHS tape cassettes or the older reels of tape. Their operating systems and other programs were written as far back as thirty years ago, using computer languages, source codes and compilers that may no longer be available. COBOL, Pascal, FORTRAN, and the other early computer languages people like the late Admiral Grace Hopper were fluent in are passi; theyve gone the way of the eight-track tape player, the Betamax VCR and hula hoop.

Only for whatever reasons, the big mainframe computer users kept using these programs--probably because it would have cost too much money and made the bottom line look leaner. And now the bean-counting chickens are coming home to roost. Why? Well, back when computers were a lot less efficient and cost a lot more to buy and operate, someone decided you could save money and computer time by doing away with the first two digits of the year. 1950 was just 50. So what happens at midnight plus one 1st January 2000? Well, mainframes using the old software just might think its now 1900.

And when that happens, anything can happen. The computer may just lock down and lock down everything it operates, including all entrances and exits, refusing to acknowledge the magnetic-strip ID cards or smart cards embedded chips, biometrics readings, or simple passcodes inputted via keypad. Nobody can get in or get out. This has already happened in tests to determine if access-control systems are Y2K-ready. Or, which is a lot worse, it might start thinking that Saturday, 1st January 2000 or Sunday, 2nd January 2000 is actually Monday or some other day of the week; and unlock everything from all the doors in a building, including the loading dock bays, and even the vaults that are controlled through the security system computer or by stand-alone embedded-chip-controlled time locks..

Environmental systems could shut down completely; no lights, no heat, no ventilation, no nothing Quite frankly, the bigger businesses, governmental agencies, and quasi-governmental entities, including public utility companies that rely on big mainframe computer systems, are scared shitless. Theyre trying to patch up existing programs with flaws that would cause the software to lock up like a Super-Glued deadbolt lock before Y2K hits. Programmers of any kind are commanding big salaries, beaucoup bucks; mucho dinero, amigos. And, they arent going to be able to do it. There just arent enough programmers who know the older computer programming codes such as COBOL(Common Business Oriented Language or something like that)which these mainframes operating systems are written in to go through the programming line by line and patch it up. Not enough manpower with the right know-how, and not enough time.

As I said before, some of these mainframes are over 30 years old; the program writers who wrote these operating system and other programs long since retired, or even passed on, in some cases. The operating systems and programs based on them have been modified, patched over the years by different people using different computer programming languages; COBOL, Pascal, FORTRAN, and others that are long-obsolete. Locating the source codes and compilers necessary to repair the Y2K glitches is extremely difficult, or even downright impossible. And even if these things can be found, the people who know how to use them are rather scarce on the ground these days. The people in the know are literally grabbing at any straw or warm body they can find that will offer them the slightest hope of getting their systems in compliance with Y2K in time. Some are attempting to bypass the problem entirely by acquiring a lot of desktop PCs and rigging them into LANs or WANs.

When I was on post at one clients data processing site, I by chance got to talking with their senior programmer of that shift when he had to come out to the access-control point to sign in an outside contractor software program writer who had no vendors pass.(Which the company didnt issue, an all-too-typical thing.) After hed signed the outside independent contractor in, and had taken him back to his workstation, he came back to thank me for showing initiative enough to call him(the previous shift security officer had simply refused another ID-less independent contractor entry and told him, somewhat bluntly, to go away and not come back)and have him sign the outside contractor in.

We got to shooting the shit, and I asked a few little technical questions that surprised him--operating an ATM machine is all too often the average line grunts sped. When the shift supervisor, a senior programmer/analyst with a Masters in computer science found out I had experience with PCs, owned my own, and had a PC Tech certification to boot, he all but went down on his knees and begged me to quit that stupid rent-a-cop outfit and come to work for him. In addition to the Tiger Team he was trying to assemble that would attempt the impossible: fix all of the software glitches in the companys mainframe computers programs, and locate and check out the stand-alone embedded chips firmware programming to see if those were okay, in time for Y2K, he was trying to organize another one to rig PCs into LANs that would take over from the mainframes if they wouldnt work.

I dont have the higher math skills you need for that kind of thing, I tried to tell him, which was why I hadnt gone for anything beyond the standard 18 credit-hour PC Tech course offered by my hometowns community college. Im not a program writer. All I know is how to assemble a desktop PC and its peripherals, hook em into a LAN, maybe a WAN if it isnt too complicated, and thats it.

He looked around like a man burdened by a momentous secret, pushed his face to within an inch of mine, and with the demeanor of someone about to spill something light-years beyond Top Secret, such as, say, The Manhattan Project, whispered: Were trying to rig enough desktop PCs into LANs and even WANs so that if the mainframes crash, well be able to switch over to the LAN and WAN networks for backup!

I dont have the manpower to try and fix the mainframes software bugs, locate and test the embedded chips in mission-critical appliances and machinery and gang-rig the desktops weve been buying by the truckload into LANs and WANs so they can carry the ball if the mainframes go down! The newer desktop PCs and the newer versions of the operating systems(usually Windows 98, Windows NT, and the new Windows 2000 starting to come online)are Y2K ready, or Y2K complaint. Both their firmware--embedded microprocessor chips--and their software are Y2K-ready. Thats why theres this big rush in some circles to get them set up in a LAN, so as to take over from the older, obsolete mainframes. As I said before, Ive been downloading the free service packs Microsoft offers to fix potential problems resulting from Y2K; not just for my system, but Ive also been doing it for the new PCs Ive been installing for clients of my employer. Its SOP; like updating anti-virus protection every couple of days or so. I had to blow him off; Ive got enough on my plate as it is. Hed offered me a starting salary that broke down to about ten times my rent-a-cop hourly wage and six to seven times my hourly wage with the temp agency that sent me out to handle PC installations for their clients. The money was really tempting, but quite frankly, I dont want to be in any major metropolitan area from 1st December onwards.

That feeling was reinforced when I recently got an unexpected call from my security outfits Director of Operations. He wanted all hands authorized to carry a gun to come in for a special briefing. As I have a Concealed Carry Weapons permit, that included me. When I reported for the briefing that early morning, I was surprised when the DirOps, who wears a majors gold oak leaves whenever hes in uniform(which isnt very often, but he was in his dress greys that morning), met us at the door himself. He walked us into the briefing/classroom, and after all hands were present, shut the door and began the briefing with an unveiled threat that anyone talking about what they were told inside this room would be summarily fired. We were each given a numbered copy of the briefing document, which was stamped with the security companys highest security classification, equivalent to Top Secret. After again delivering the unveiled threat of instant dismissal for anyone who started talking about its contents outside this room, he had us read while he read it aloud.

Basically it said that Y2K-related software and firmware problems would quite likely cause widespread computer malfunctions within the metropolitan area. And the rest of the state, country, and even all around the world. Synergistic reactions--the old domino theory applied to computers--one computer crashes and because of all the Internet, Intranet, and other hookups linking mainframes and desktop PCs together, a lot of other computers crash, one right after the other. Mainframes controlling everything, including security systems, were expected to go down or start acting weird.

Computerized security systems could go down completely or just haywire in such ways as opening bank vaults, access-controlled doors in secured buildings, and other control points like gates, the computers controlling them--mainframes or PCs--thinking it was normal business hours when it would be midnight plus one, 1st January, 2000. This was stated in very simple language--necessary because a lot of the line security grunts need things explained to them as simply as possible.

The chances of public disorders occurring because people wouldnt be able to buy food or other essentials because point-of-sale terminals would not recognize their credit cards or ATM/debit cards were also considered to be rather high. He ran old video news clips showing disorders resulting from the New York City blackout back in the 1970s, and even re-ran some old news videos about various urban rioting during the 60s, along with the news clips about the South LA riot resulting from the initial Rodney King verdict to emphasize the seriousness of public disorders.

Communications breakdowns were also considered; the telephone system which included cellular phones(they dont issue them, cheap-asses that they are but a lot of us buy our own so well have a lifeline if those crappy old radios dont work--which they often dont)was considered to likely go down. The repeater towers of our radio commo system were also not reliable; they had embedded chips which might not work come Y2K.

The DirOps went on to inform us that as a standby measure, a tall radio mast would be erected that could handle Citizens Band radio traffic; both CM AM and CB Single Sideband if the newer UHF base stations using microprocessors and chip circuits decided to pack it in.3 Cheap-ass corporate brass that he was, he announced that while the company wouldnt be issuing CB/SSB transceivers to the grunts, he hoped that wed all go out to Wally-World4 or Radio Shack and buy our own. As it so happens, I have a CB-band 40-channel walkie-talkie, but the rubber-ducky aerial might not let it punch a signal through to the headquarters radio tower.

The whole thing was a half-assed penny-pinching bean-counting approach to preparing for what could well be The Mother Of All Shitstorms.

And, quite frankly, it scared the hell out of me. There had been a recent communications failure that knocked out the metropolitan 911 switching center--some chip circuit went belly-up or a power system failed or something. Brilliant improvisation, which included sending 911 dispatchers with cellular phones and police-band walkie-talkies to high ground, prevented the crisis from becoming tragic. But, it was easy to see how easily the present high-tech communications system which is a literal lifeline could be disrupted. Add to this the bean-counting mentality of my security outfits superiors, and you can easily see how deep in the shit we could end up. Us poor bastards on the front line, the sharp end, should the shit hit the fan come midnight 31st December 1999/midnight plus one 1st January, 2000, would be sitting ducks if serious trouble broke out.

###

So, what could I do? I first took stock of my personal situation, and decided that:

1. I would keep my POVs5 gas tank topped off no matter what, and:

2. I would carry enough gas in approved containers in the trunk to refill my tank. That way I could get the hell out of Dodge if the lights went out.

3. I would continue my personal preparedness program at home, which I had started some time back. Every time something in the way of canned goods or something else I will need went on sale at Safeway, Bashas, or wherever I happened to be shopping at the time, I would buy one or two extra for my personal pantry. Ditto for water. Id store it up in ten-gallon coolers or smaller drinking-water containers. A filter I could buy from Wally-World screwed to my kitchen faucet will let me top them off with water that will keep for awhile. Stored fuel for my kerosene heaters and lanterns likewise will allow me to have light and heat if the power fails. I have a whole 55-gallon drum of the stuff.

4. I would be as well-equipped to defend myself as possible. The outfit I work for frowns on anything heavier than a handgun. In some very rare situations theyd authorize a shotgun. But from this day forward Im packing a riot gun as SOP and Ill have my battle carbine with plenty of magazines close at hand, and enough ammo for two basic load-outs to boot. Ditto for my handguns and riot gun. I will have my ballistic vest with me at all times, too.

For non-lethal crowd dispersal, I will keep my PepperGun Pistol handy. It looks like a Star Trek phaser, but contains a pressure-spray can cartridge loaded with close to a pint of 10% OC. It can squirt out to 20 feet, which may allow me to repel or disperse an ugly crowd bent on violence. If at all humanly possible, I will not be in the metropolitan area come 31st December 1999/1st January 2000, but in the event that I might be trapped and unable to get out in time, Ill have my basic kit with me, and Ill be ready to lock and load if need be. I want to be at my home in the Mountains. It might be cold and snowy, but should the lights go out and all Hell start breaking loose, thats where I want to be.

The End

Footnotes

1. Local Area Network--two or more desktop PC computers rigged to work as a network, usually in the same room, or at least within the same building.

2. Wide-Area Network--two or more desktop PC computers rigged to work together but not in close proximity; such as a companys Intranet system linking several of the firms sites together that are geographically separated.

3. I know the new CB-band transceivers have chip circuits and microprocessors, but for some reason the major thought theyd be less likely to develop Y2K teething troubles. I hope hes right.

4. Wal-Mart

5. Personally-Owned Vehicle.

-- Marc V. Ridenour (marcvridenour@hotmail.com), September 14, 1999

Answers

Gawd, except for the content, it looks like something that Cherri would post.

I'd like to get a shotgun, load it with carriage-return pellets, and blast the thing. Even random carriage-returns would make it more readable!!!!!

-- King of Spain (madrid@aol.com), September 14, 1999.

KOS I suspect that the writer has NOIT had a lot of experience with Greenspun's soi dissant "text editor". And, yes, a couple extra CR's would have helped.

Chuck

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), September 14, 1999.

Carriage return pellets! Your Majesty, you kill me!

It was a painful read, yes, but at least the guy gets it. And he's doing something about it.

Marc, I say take the IT job and make some money for yourself, then take an extended holiday about mid-Dec.

And welcome. This board is not a bad place to hang out, just hit the return key once in a while.

-- semper paratus (line_breaks@are.free), September 14, 1999.

KoS,

"load it with carriage-return pellets, and blast the thing"

Magnificent! ROTFL!

BTW, Marc's description of the mainframe software situation leaves something to be desired. Not to say that there are no potentially major problems, but, for example, mainframe operating systems and compilers have been updated repeately over the past thirty years. Also, mainframe binaries are not likely to execute on PCs with or without LANs.

Jerry

-- Jerry B (skeptic76@erols.com), September 14, 1999.

I tried reading this poor guys post - and ran it through Word. Let's see if it held the re-formatting (just in case anyone else wants to wade though it...)

If it doesn't work (i.e., it's as dense as it started - please forgive me - I was *trying* to help...)

LINE SECURITY GRUNT PREPS FOR Y2K! by Roger Malone Copyright (C) Tuesday, August 24, 1999. All Rights Reserved.

It will quite probably get quite ugly when Y2K comes to pass.

I ought to know; I've gotten a look at some things that the general public doesn't know about. That's why I'm doing what I can to prepare for this event; including doing my damndest not to be in any major metropolitan area the last week of December 1999 until after the end of the first week of January 2000. I flat-out don't want to be there if all Hell breaks loose.

I've done my homework about major riots; > the New York City outbreak of looting and burning following the blackout in the 1970's, > the South LA Riot following the acquittal of the LA cops who had pounded on Rodney King by a California State Criminal Court Jury, > plus other memorable eruptions during the past two decades.

Besides a line security officer for one of the contract private security agencies(in other words a rent-a-cop for a contract private security company that got the contract by submitting the lowest bid) I'm now a PC computer technician. I recently completed my training and received my certification from my hometown's community college. Now I am competent to rig, install, repair, service, and maintain IBM-compatible computers and their peripherals, either as stand-alone systems or as part of a LAN1 or WAN.2

I have a working knowledge of Windows NT and Windows 98 along with previous versions of same, and most of the Microsoft Windows-based programs in common use. Desktop PC's(Personal Computers, formerly referred to as IBM-Compatible Personal Computers because they could use the same operating system programs and other software as Big Blue's desktop personal computers)will not fare badly; Microsoft has downloadable Service Packs to fix actual or potential flaws that could cause Y2K-related problems, and anyone with half a brain is downloading them.

I have, and I continue to check out their home page at http://www.microsoft.com for new offerings. My system is as Y2K-ready as possible. However, that is not the case with all too many mainframe computer systems, the big boys using zip-drive discs the size of VHS tape cassettes or the older reels of tape. Their operating systems and other programs were written as far back as thirty years ago, using computer languages, source codes and compilers that may no longer be available. COBOL, Pascal, FORTRAN, and the other early computer languages people like the late Admiral Grace Hopper were fluent in are passi; they've gone the way of the eight-track tape player, the Betamax VCR and hula hoop. Only for whatever reasons, the big mainframe computer users kept using these programs--probably because it would have cost too much money and made the bottom line look leaner. And now the bean-counting chickens are coming home to roost.

Why? Well, back when computers were a lot less efficient and cost a lot more to buy and operate, someone decided you could save money and computer time by doing away with the first two digits of the year. 1950 was just 50. So what happens at midnight plus one 1st January 2000? Well, mainframes using the old software just might think it's now 1900. And when that happens, anything can happen. The computer may just lock down and lock down everything it operates, including all entrances and exits, refusing to acknowledge the magnetic-strip ID cards or 'smart cards' embedded chips, biometrics readings, or simple passcodes inputted via keypad. Nobody can get in or get out.

This has already happened in tests to determine if access-control systems are Y2K-ready. Or, which is a lot worse, it might start thinking that Saturday, 1st January 2000 or Sunday, 2nd January 2000 is actually Monday or some other day of the week; and unlock everything from all the doors in a building, including the loading dock bays, and even the vaults that are controlled through the security system computer or by stand-alone embedded-chip-controlled time locks.. Environmental systems could shut down completely; no lights, no heat, no ventilation, no nothing

Quite frankly, the bigger businesses, governmental agencies, and quasi-governmental entities, including public utility companies that rely on big mainframe computer systems, are scared shitless. They're trying to patch up existing programs with flaws that would cause the software to lock up like a Super-Glued deadbolt lock before Y2K hits. Programmers of any kind are commanding big salaries, beaucoup bucks; mucho dinero, amigos. And, they aren't going to be able to do it. There just aren't enough programmers who know the older computer programming codes such as COBOL(Common Business Oriented Language or something like that)which these mainframes' operating systems are written in to go through the programming line by line and patch it up. Not enough manpower with the right know-how, and not enough time.

As I said before, some of these mainframes are over 30 years old; the program writers who wrote these operating system and other programs long since retired, or even passed on, in some cases. The operating systems and programs based on them have been modified, 'patched' over the years by different people using different computer programming languages; COBOL, Pascal, FORTRAN, and others that are long-obsolete. Locating the source codes and compilers necessary to repair the Y2K glitches is extremely difficult, or even downright impossible. And even if these things can be found, the people who know how to use them are rather scarce on the ground these days. The people in the know are literally grabbing at any straw or warm body they can find that will offer them the slightest hope of getting their systems in compliance with Y2K in time. Some are attempting to bypass the problem entirely by acquiring a lot of desktop PC's and rigging them into LAN's or WAN's.

When I was on post at one client's data processing site, I by chance got to talking with their senior programmer of that shift when he had to come out to the access-control point to sign in an outside contractor software program writer who had no vendor's pass.(Which the company didn't issue, an all-too-typical thing.) After he'd signed the outside independent contractor in, and had taken him back to his workstation, he came back to thank me for showing initiative enough to call him(the previous shift security officer had simply refused another ID-less independent contractor entry and told him, somewhat bluntly, to go away and not come back)and have him sign the outside contractor in. We got to shooting the shit, and I asked a few little technical questions that surprised him--operating an ATM machine is all too often the average line grunt's sped.

When the shift supervisor, a senior programmer/analyst with a Master's in computer science found out I had experience with PC's, owned my own, and had a PC Tech certification to boot, he all but went down on his knees and begged me to quit 'that stupid rent-a-cop outfit' and come to work for him. In addition to the Tiger Team he was trying to assemble that would attempt the impossible: fix all of the software glitches in the company's mainframe computers' programs, and locate and check out the stand-alone embedded chips' firmware programming to see if those were okay, in time for Y2K, he was trying to organize another one to rig PC's into LAN's that would take over from the mainframes if they wouldn't work.

"I don't have the higher math skills you need for that kind of thing," I tried to tell him, which was why I hadn't gone for anything beyond the standard 18 credit-hour PC Tech course offered by my hometown's community college. "I'm not a program writer. All I know is how to assemble a desktop PC and it's peripherals, hook 'em into a LAN, maybe a WAN if it isn't too complicated, and that's it." He looked around like a man burdened by a momentous secret, pushed his face to within an inch of mine, and with the demeanor of someone about to spill something light-years beyond Top Secret, such as, say, The Manhattan Project, whispered: "We're trying to rig enough desktop PC's into LAN's and even WAN's so that if the mainframes crash, we'll be able to switch over to the LAN and WAN networks for backup! "I don't have the manpower to try and fix the mainframes' software bugs, locate and test the embedded chips in mission-critical appliances and machinery and gang-rig the desktops we've been buying by the truckload into LAN's and WAN's so they can carry the ball if the mainframes go down!"

The newer desktop PC's and the newer versions of the operating systems(usually Windows 98, Windows NT, and the new Windows 2000 starting to come online)are Y2K ready, or Y2K complaint. Both their firmware--embedded microprocessor chips--and their software are Y2K-ready. That's why there's this big rush in some circles to get them set up in a LAN, so as to take over from the older, obsolete mainframes. As I said before, I've been downloading the free service packs Microsoft offers to fix potential problems resulting from Y2K; not just for my system, but I've also been doing it for the new PC's I've been installing for clients of my employer. It's SOP; like updating anti-virus protection every couple of days or so.

I had to blow him off; I've got enough on my plate as it is. He'd offered me a starting salary that broke down to about ten times my rent-a-cop hourly wage and six to seven times my hourly wage with the temp agency that sent me out to handle PC installations for their clients. The money was really tempting, but quite frankly, I don't want to be in any major metropolitan area from 1st December onwards.

That feeling was reinforced when I recently got an unexpected call from my security outfit's Director of Operations. He wanted all hands authorized to carry a gun to come in for 'a special briefing.' As I have a Concealed Carry Weapons permit, that included me. When I reported for the briefing that early morning, I was surprised when the DirOps, who wears a major's gold oak leaves whenever he's in uniform (which isn't very often, but he was in his dress greys that morning), met us at the door himself. He walked us into the briefing/classroom, and after all hands were present, shut the door and began the briefing with an unveiled threat that anyone talking about what they were told inside this room would be summarily fired.

We were each given a numbered copy of the briefing document, which was stamped with the security company's highest security classification, equivalent to Top Secret. After again delivering the unveiled threat of instant dismissal for anyone who started talking about it's contents outside this room, he had us read while he read it aloud. Basically it said that Y2K-related software and firmware problems would quite likely cause widespread computer malfunctions within the metropolitan area. And the rest of the state, country, and even all around the world.

Synergistic reactions--the old domino theory applied to computers--one computer crashes and because of all the Internet, Intranet, and other hookups linking mainframes and desktop PC's together, a lot of other computers crash, one right after the other. Mainframes controlling everything, including security systems, were expected to go down or start acting weird. Computerized security systems could go down completely or just haywire in such ways as opening bank vaults, access-controlled doors in secured buildings, and other control points like gates, the computers controlling them--mainframes or PC's--thinking it was normal business hours when it would be midnight plus one, 1st January, 2000.

This was stated in very simple language--necessary because a lot of the line security grunts need things explained to them as simply as possible. The chances of public disorders occurring because people wouldn't be able to buy food or other essentials because point-of-sale terminals would not recognize their credit cards or ATM/debit cards were also considered to be rather high. He ran old video news clips showing disorders resulting from the New York City blackout back in the 1970's, and even re-ran some old news videos about various urban rioting during the 60's, along with the news clips about the South LA riot resulting from the initial Rodney King verdict to emphasize the seriousness of 'public disorders.'

Communications breakdowns were also considered; the telephone system which included cellular phones(they don't issue them, cheap-asses that they are but a lot of us buy our own so we'll have a lifeline if those crappy old radios don't work--which they often don't)was considered to likely go down. The repeater towers of our radio commo system were also not reliable; they had embedded chips which might not work come Y2K.

The DirOps went on to inform us that as a standby measure, a tall radio mast would be erected that could handle Citizen's Band radio traffic; both CM AM and CB Single Sideband if the newer UHF base stations using microprocessors and chip circuits decided to pack it in. Cheap-ass corporate brass that he was, he announced that while the company wouldn't be issuing CB/SSB transceivers to the grunts, he hoped that we'd all go out to Wally-World4 or Radio Shack and buy our own.

As it so happens, I have a CB-band 40-channel walkie-talkie, but the rubber-ducky aerial might not let it punch a signal through to the headquarters radio tower. The whole thing was a half-assed penny-pinching bean-counting approach to preparing for what could well be The Mother Of All Shitstorms. And, quite frankly, it scared the hell out of me. There had been a recent communications failure that knocked out the metropolitan 911 switching center--some chip circuit went belly-up or a power system failed or something. Brilliant improvisation, which included sending 911 dispatchers with cellular phones and police-band walkie-talkies to high ground, prevented the crisis from becoming tragic.

But, it was easy to see how easily the present high-tech communications system which is a literal lifeline could be disrupted. Add to this the bean-counting mentality of my security outfit's superiors, and you can easily see how deep in the shit we could end up. Us poor bastards on the front line, the sharp end, should the shit hit the fan come midnight 31st December 1999/midnight plus one 1st January, 2000, would be sitting ducks if serious trouble broke out.

So, what could I do? I first took stock of my personal situation, and decided that: 1. I would keep my POV's5 gas tank topped off no matter what, and, 2. I would carry enough gas in approved containers in the trunk to refill my tank. That way I could get the hell out of Dodge if the lights went out. 3. I would continue my personal preparedness program at home, which I had started some time back. Every time something in the way of canned goods or something else I will need went on sale at Safeway, Basha's, or wherever I happened to be shopping at the time, I would buy one or two extra for my personal pantry. Ditto for water. I'd store it up in ten-gallon coolers or smaller drinking-water containers. A filter I could buy from Wally-World screwed to my kitchen faucet will let me top them off with water that will keep for awhile. Stored fuel for my kerosene heaters and lanterns likewise will allow me to have light and heat if the power fails. I have a whole 55-gallon drum of the stuff. 4. I would be as well-equipped to defend myself as possible. The outfit I work for frowns on anything heavier than a handgun. In some very rare situations they'd authorize a shotgun. But from this day forward I'm packing a riot gun as SOP and I'll have my 'battle carbine' with plenty of magazines close at hand, and enough ammo for two basic load-outs to boot. Ditto for my handguns and riot gun. I will have my ballistic vest with me at all times, too. For non-lethal crowd dispersal, I will keep my PepperGun Pistol handy. It looks like a Star Trek phaser, but contains a pressure-spray can cartridge loaded with close to a pint of 10% OC. It can squirt out to 20 feet, which may allow me to repel or disperse an ugly crowd bent on violence.

If at all humanly possible, I will not be in the metropolitan area come 31st December 1999/1st January 2000, but in the event that I might be trapped and unable to get out in time, I'll have my basic kit with me, and I'll be ready to lock and load if need be. I want to be at my home in the Mountains. It might be cold and snowy, but should the lights go out and all Hell start breaking loose, that's where I want to be.

The End

Footnotes 1. Local Area Network--two or more desktop PC computers rigged to work as a network, usually in the same room, or at least within the same building. 2. Wide-Area Network--two or more desktop PC computers rigged to work together but not in close proximity; such as a company's Intranet system linking several of the firm's sites together that are geographically separated. 3. I know the new CB-band transceivers have chip circuits and microprocessors, but for some reason the major thought they'd be less likely to develop Y2K teething troubles. I hope he's right. 4. Wal-Mart 5. Personally-Owned Vehicle.

-- Hugh (hewiggins@mindspring.com), September 14, 1999.

THERE!!! That took care of it.

(Now, why are all those SWAT guys pulling up to the castle?)

-- King of Spain (madrid@aol.com), September 14, 1999.

Aha! So the recipe is *2* hard-returns to produce a semi-bulleted list.

Sorry - but I'm not gonna try to clean it up more...

-- Hugh (hewiggins@mindspring.com), September 14, 1999.

Chuck,

All ya had ta do was roll up your Sysop sleeves and add HTML paragraph tags. (The trick was figuring where they went.)

NOW... it's readable.

Diane

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), September 14, 1999.

This story is just another bullshit hoax.

-- Mr. Blond (favors@f/f.yum), September 14, 1999.

Yep, a nice piece of fiction.

-- Lane Core Jr. (elcore@sgi.net), September 14, 1999.

Marc:

I'm sorry, fella, but it seems that you pretty much wasted 18 hours of computer science classes. I'm one of those DEAD mainframers you mentioned. I share that status with a MINIMUM of 6,295 others in Texas alone that are now OUT of work because we completed the remediation. That translates to $0, Marc.

Do a little more research into those mainframes that you think are obsolete. They're the backbone for more systems than you may think. NO OTHER PLATFORM can provide the MIPS of a mainframe.

-- Anita (spoonera@msn.com), September 14, 1999.

BTW, COBOL stands for "Confusion Oriented Bastard Ofa Language".

Just to be clear.

-- Hoffmeister (hoff_meister@my-deja.com), September 14, 1999.

No offense, d00d, but if you'd wear a *good* set of earplugs -- the kind with an impermeable seal -- then maybe -- juuuuuuuust maybe -- people wouldn't know exactly how full of shit you are. Dark sunglasses with rubber eyecups might be a good backup plan, in case the earplugs cause pressure buildup that exceeds design tolerances, wink wink nudge nudge.

Don't like that advice? OK, no problem, here's some *other* advice:

If you'd drop the nauseatingly solicitous tone, lose the cloying, syrupy smarm, run like hell from the mountain of buzzwords that you're *almost* able to string together (in a *grammatic* sense), and then trim, trim, trim, and trim again, trimming away every last vestige of that caricature of the self-styled chatty conversationalist who never knows when it's time to go home -- if you'd trim like there's no tomorrow -- trim until NOTHING was left other than the kernal of *real* information you had to share, your epic opus could be expressed in a concise, if somewhat terse vehicle, to-wit:

"Microsoft has service packs avalable for download. You should look into that."

I hope this message has been of help to you, "Marc V. Ridenour". And in that vein, I'd like to offer one final word of advice: if you're thinking of starting a career as a writer, keep your day job *and* your night job. Smashing your keyboard with a hammer might not be a bad idea either.

-- Ron Schwarz (rs@clubvb.com.delete.this), September 14, 1999.

I'm sorry, Marc. I just noticed that it was actually Roger who took the 18 hours of computer classes...NOT you. You're simply the one who chose to post this as though it contained facts.

-- Anita (spoonera@msn.com), September 14, 1999.

I got a job working with so-called obsolete AS/400s just out of college. I had to learn RPG on the job, since they don't teach it at school anymore.

They're not dead. In fact, they're everywhere. PC people have been predicting the death of the mainframe for years, yet they refuse to die. Meanwhile, PC based platform continues to have stability problems due to shoddy operating systems (Linux excepted).

Sorry, but the mainframe isn't dead yet.

Tim

-- Tim the Y2K nut (tmiley@yakko.cs.wmich.edu), September 15, 1999.

Tim,

They're not dead. In fact, they're everywhere. PC people have been predicting the death of the mainframe for years, yet they refuse to die. Meanwhile, PC based platform continues to have stability problems due to shoddy operating systems (Linux excepted).

Mainframes will live as long as Microsoft is making operating systems.

-TECH32-

-- TECH32 (TECH32@NOMAIL.COM), September 15, 1999.

I think Ridenour or his buddy knows what he's talking about. I sure as hell am not going to be in ANY major metro area come December on!

-- Joe Blow (joebow@buzzoff.com), September 16, 1999.

Joe Blow Blows it.

You think he knows what he's talking about?

He's talking about running around stringing together desktops willy nilly and using them to replace a mainframe. You don't do that, except in movies. BAAAAAAD movies. It's like the nonsense about "zoom in -- now clarify the image -- now zoom in again -- now sharpen again -- zoom more -- more -- more -- apply maximum zoom -- now apply maximum sharpening -- ah, yes, it IS Fred, and according to his wristwatch, it's exactly 11:49 when that picture was taken. Hard to believe you could extract that data from an old Box Brownie, Professor! Especially considering that it was falling out of a moving car when the shutter accidentally went off!"

OK, you run wires from a motley collection of computers, a mess of operating systems, total incompatibility, but, you do manage to get the Ethernet cables to connect, and somehow, they all boot up.

Now, let's fast forward past all the imposibilities of making the network *work* as a network, and ask the killer question: HOW DO YOU MAKE A MAINFRAME PROGRAM RUN ON A DESKTOP MACHINE?????

Let along a *ton* of mainframe programs, let alone on a bunch of unrelated machines strung together with scotch tape and baling wire.

Methinks our joker friend watched "Independence Day" one time to many, and got carried away with the *fictional* scene where they hotwired a flying saucer with a laptop.

I swear...

-- Ron Schwarz (rs@clubvb.com.delete.this), September 16, 1999.

So I could hire Anita and at least keep her off the forum from 8-5, huh?

How much you need to make, honey?

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), September 16, 1999.