The person I own is worrying me. I can barely concentrate on my grooming. How do I get him to stock up on mackeral and Cat chow ? He is DWGI person. I..I..I don't want to be forced to eat him! Help! Purrfectly yours Fluffy

-- Fluffy (pussy@worried.com), September 08, 1999

Answers

Dear Fluffy,

Try "mouse ranching" (bring them in the house alive and unhurt and turn them loose to breed" -- it works for my cats! 8^)

-- Gypsy (GypsiGold@aol.com), September 08, 1999.

Damn cats... always whining about somethin'....

stalkin' the cat...

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), September 08, 1999.

NEVER eat anything that's on fire.

-- no talking please (breadlines@soupkitchen.gov), September 08, 1999.

Which reminds me of the number one rule of pirates... pillage first, then burn.

-- Linda (lwmb@psln.com), September 08, 1999.

Dear Fluffy,

Pay no attention to the rude comments of the humans above. You know how they are.

If you are worthy of the name "cat", you know perfectly well how to get him to stock up on kitty food. Pretend to absolutely love the next food he gives you, so he'll go and buy a lot of it. Then when he gives it to you again, act like it is the most vile and disgusting thing on earth and you wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. Go on a hunger strike until he brings home a new kind. Yes, dear, I know that's hard.

When he brings you a new cat food to try, you will absolutely adore it and gobble it down, so he will go and buy some more of that. But the next time you refuse to taste such a revolting mess. Do this from now on, until he has amassed a large quantity of food he thinks you don't like. You know the drill. It's in your nature.

If, at some point, he appears to have amassed a good year's supply for you, darling, then you may become cooperative and eat (occasionally) whichever he offers you. He will be so grateful, he will not have any idea he has been manipulated into doing what you require.

You have known this since you were a kitten, sweetheart. Make use of what you know. You are smarter than he is.

Love, Scat

-- Scat (sgcatique@webtv.net), September 08, 1999.

Fluffy:

React "in character" to the petfood commercials.

Meow and purr excitedly when your favorite foods are televised.

Your owner will be amused and will remember those brands.

Be patient with your conditioning, and you'll get your Y2K kitty stash.

But don't press your luck with Red Lobster commercials.

-- Randolph (dinosaur@williams-net.com), September 08, 1999.

Cory's cat!

(Sorry Cory, I just couldn't help myself when I saw this picture!) :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 08, 1999.

Thanks for all these wonderful posts - it's good to lighten up sometimes. Yo have to live with cats to understand how they think. We have a great big tabby cat person who smiles at her Dad after dinner in order to get some icecream. (No wonder she's fat) - anyway Puss is a very sensitive new age cat person witch with a radar as effective as the equipment at Pine Gap. She knows when those e day storms are approaching - (might get her beautiful great white feet wet). When things become more serious - (like a coming stock market belting - or any other definition of the word "Panic" ) Puss gets under the big wooden table and stays there. We say - "Oh no - not again - what now?" This most peculiar behaviour hasn't happened for some time and tonight I can assure you that she isn't the slightest bit interested in the 9th of the 9th - 1999.

Anyway, when Puss gets up to her old tricks again - stay tuned - I'll let you know.

Don't laugh - I'm serious

Bless you all Pam Lawrence

-- Pamela J Lawrence (p@lawrence@hermes.net.au), September 09, 1999.

For Old Git and the other Lovers of Kitties:

FROM THE CAT'S DIARY... DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors through sleep deprivation; with incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor out of the glass tubes they called "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, It is only a matter of time.......

-- Mumsie (Shezdremn@aol.com), September 10, 1999.