SHIP OF FOOLS by Ted Kaczynski

To be published by OFF! Magazine, a zine produced by students at SUNY Binghamton and edited by Tim La Pietra.

Once upon a time, the captain and the mates of a ship grew so vain of their seamanship, so full of hubris and so impressed with themselves, that they went mad. They turned the ship north and sailed until they met with icebergs and dangerous floes, and they kept sailing north into more and more perilous waters, solely in order to give themselves opportunities to perform ever-more-brilliant feats of seamanship.

As the ship reached higher and higher latitudes, the passengers and crew became increasingly uncomfortable. They began quarreling among themselves and complaining of the conditions under which they lived.

Shiver me timbers, said an able seaman, if this aint the worst voyage Ive ever been on. The deck is slick with ice; when Im on lookout the wind cuts through me jacket like a knife; every time I reef the foresail I blamed-near freeze me fingers; and all I get for it is a miserable five shillings a month!

You think you have it bad! said a lady passenger. I cant sleep at night for the cold. Ladies on this ship dont get as many blankets as the men. It isnt fair!

A Mexican sailor chimed in: !Chingado! Im only getting half the wages of the Anglo seamen. We need plenty of food to keep us warm in this climate, and Im not getting my share; the Anglos get more. And the worst of it is that the mates always give me orders in English instead of Spanish.

I have more reason to complain than anybody, said an American Indian sailor. If the palefaces hadnt robbed me of my ancestral lands, I wouldnt even be on this ship, here among the icebergs and arctic winds. I would just be paddling a canoe on a nice, placid lake. I deserve compensation. At the very least, the captain should let me run a crap game so that I can make some money.

The bosun spoke up: Yesterday the first mate called me a fruit just because I suck cocks. I have a right to suck cocks without being called names for it!

Its not only humans who are mistreated on this ship, interjected an animal-lover among the passengers, her voice quivering with indignation. Why, last week I saw the second mate kick the ships dog twice!

One of the passengers was a college professor. Wringing his hands he exclaimed,

All this is just awful! Its immoral! Its racism, sexism, speciesism, homophobia, and exploitation of the working class! Its discrimination! We must have social justice: Equal wages for the Mexican sailor, higher wages for all sailors, compensation for the Indian, equal blankets for the ladies, a guaranteed right to suck cocks, and no more kicking the dog!

Yes, yes! shouted the passengers. Aye-aye! shouted the crew. Its discrimination! We have to demand our rights!

The cabin boy cleared his throat.

Ahem. You all have good reasons to complain. But it seems to me that what we really have to do is get this ship turned around and headed back south, because if we keep going north were sure to be wrecked sooner or later, and then your wages, your blankets, and your right to suck cocks wont do you any good, because well all drown.

But no one paid any attention to him, because he was only the cabin boy.

The captain and the mates, from their station on the poop deck, had been watching and listening. Now they smiled and winked at one another, and at a gesture from the captain the third mate came down from the poop deck, sauntered over to where the passengers and crew were gathered, and shouldered his way in amongst them. He put a very serious expression on his face and spoke thusly:

We officers have to admit that some really inexcusable things have been happening on this ship. We hadnt realized how bad the situation was until we heard your complaints. We are men of good will and want to do right by you. But  well  the captain is rather conservative and set in his ways, and may have to be prodded a bit before hell make any substantial changes. My personal opinion is that if you protest vigorously  but always peacefully and without violating any of the ships rules  you would shake the captain out of his inertia and force him to address the problems of which you so justly complain.

Having said this, the third mate headed back toward the poop deck. As he went, the passengers and crew called after him, Moderate! Reformer! Goody-liberal! Captains stooge! But they nevertheless did as he said. They gathered in a body before the poop deck, shouted insults at the officers, and demanded their rights: I want higher wages and better working conditions, cried the able seaman. Equal blankets for women, cried the lady passenger. I want to receive my orders in Spanish, cried the Mexican sailor. I want the right to run a crap game, cried the Indian sailor. I dont want to be called a fruit, cried the bosun. No more kicking the dog, cried the animal lover. Revolution now, cried the professor.

The captain and the mates huddled together and conferred for several minutes, winking, nodding and smiling at one another all the while. Then the captain stepped to the front of the poop deck and, with a great show of benevolence, announced that the able seamans wages would be raised to six shillings a month; the Mexican sailors wages would be raised to two-thirds the wages of an Anglo seaman, and the order to reef the foresail would be given in Spanish; lady passengers would receive one more blanket; the Indian sailor would be allowed to run a crap game on Saturday nights; the bosun wouldnt be called a fruit as long as he kept his cocksucking strictly private; and the dog wouldnt be kicked unless he did something really naughty, such as stealing food from the galley.

The passengers and crew celebrated these concessions as a great victory, but the next morning, they were again feeling dissatisfied.

Six shillings a month is a pittance, and I still freeze me fingers when I reef the foresail, grumbled the able seaman. Im still not getting the same wages as the Anglos, or enough food for this climate, said the Mexican sailor. We women still dont have enough blankets to keep us warm, said the lady passenger. The other crewmen and passengers voiced similar complaints, and the professor egged them on.

When they were done, the cabin boy spoke up  louder this time so that the others could not easily ignore him:

Its really terrible that the dog gets kicked for stealing a bit of bread from the galley, and that women dont have equal blankets, and that the able seaman gets his fingers frozen; and I dont see why the bosun shouldnt suck cocks if he wants to. But look how thick the icebergs are now, and how the wind blows harder and harder! Weve got to turn this ship back toward the south, because if we keep going north well be wrecked and drowned.

Oh yes, said the bosun, Its just so awful that we keep heading north. But why should I have to keep cocksucking in the closet? Why should I be called a fruit? Aint I as good as everyone else?

Sailing north is terrible, said the lady passenger. But dont you see? Thats exactly why women need more blankets to keep them warm. I demand equal blankets for women now!

Its quite true, said the professor, that sailing to the north imposes great hardships on all of us. But changing course toward the south would be unrealistic. You cant turn back the clock. We must find a mature way of dealing with the situation.

Look, said the cabin boy, If we let those four madmen up on the poop deck have their way, well all be drowned. If we ever get the ship out of danger, then we can worry about working conditions, blankets for women, and the right to suck cocks. But first weve got to get this vessel turned around. If a few of us get together, make a plan, and show some courage, we can save ourselves. It wouldnt take many of us  six or eight would do. We could charge the poop, chuck those lunatics overboard, and turn the ship to the south.

The professor elevated his nose and said sternly, I dont believe in violence. Its immoral.

Its unethical ever to use violence, said the bosun.

Im terrified of violence, said the lady passenger.

The captain and the mates had been watching and listening all the while. At a signal from the captain, the third mate stepped down to the main deck. He went about among the passengers and crew, telling them that there were still many problems on the ship.

We have made much progress, he said, But much remains to be done. Working conditions for the able seaman are still hard, the Mexican still isnt getting the same wages as the Anglos, the women still dont have quite as many blankets as the men, the Indians Saturday-night crap game is a paltry compensation for his lost lands, its unfair to the bosun that he has to keep his cocksucking in the closet, and the dog still gets kicked at times.

I think the captain needs to be prodded again. It would help if you all would put on another protest  as long as it remains nonviolent.

As the third mate walked back toward the stern, the passengers and the crew shouted insults after him, but they nevertheless did what he said and gathered in front of the poop deck for another protest. They ranted and raved and brandished their fists, and they even threw a rotten egg at the captain (which he skillfully dodged).

After hearing their complaints, the captain and the mates huddled for a conference, during which they winked and grinned broadly at one another. Then the captain stepped to the front of the poop deck and announced that the able seaman would be given gloves to keep his fingers warm, the Mexican sailor would receive wages equal to three-fourths the wages of an Anglo seaman, the women would receive yet another blanket, the Indian sailor could run a crap game on Saturday and Sunday nights, the bosun would be allowed to suck cocks publicly after dark, and no one could kick the dog without special permission from the captain.

The passengers and crew were ecstatic over this great revolutionary victory, but by the next morning they were again feeling dissatisfied and began grumbling about the same old hardships.

The cabin boy this time was getting angry.

You damn fools! he shouted. Dont you see what the captain and the mates are doing? Theyre keeping you occupied with your trivial grievances about blankets and wages and the dog being kicked so that you wont think about what is really wrong with this ship -- that its getting farther and farther to the north and were all going to be drowned. If just a few of you would come to your senses, get together, and charge the poop deck, we could turn this ship around and save ourselves. But all you do is whine about petty little issues like working conditions and crap games and the right to suck cocks.

The passengers and the crew were incensed.

Petty!! cried the Mexican, Do you think its reasonable that I get only three-fourths the wages of an Anglo sailor? Is that petty?

How can you call my grievance trivial? shouted the bosun. Dont you know how humiliating it is to be called a fruit?

Kicking the dog is not a petty little issue! screamed the animal-lover. Its heartless, cruel, and brutal!

Alright then, answered the cabin boy. These issues are not petty and trivial. Kicking the dog is cruel and brutal and it is humiliating to be called a fruit. But in comparison to our real problem  in comparison to the fact that the ship is still heading north  your grievances are petty and trivial, because if we dont get this ship turned around soon, were all going to drown.

Fascist! said the professor.

Counterrevolutionary! said the lady passenger. And all of the passengers and crew chimed in one after another, calling the cabin boy a fascist and a counterrevolutionary. They pushed him away and went back to grumbling about wages, and about blankets for women, and about the right to suck cocks, and about how the dog was treated. The ship kept sailing north, and after a while it was crushed between two icebergs and everyone drowned.

copyright (c) 1999 Ted Kaczynski

-- John Doe (@ .), August 24, 1999

Answers

Dammit! I just found this as well, and was going to post a link to it. It's actually very funny! And, Y2K or no, it does seem to describe the way our society functions. Genius and warped, twisted sickness do often go hand-in-hand.

Do you imagine that Kaczynski understands Y2K? Can you imagine if he becomes some sort of Prophet of the downfall of civilization? Do you think that ship they are on is called "The Taker Thunderbolt"?

-- (dot@dot.dot), August 24, 1999.

Cute. Sad but true too. I have often wished that ted had found a way to get his message across without violence- although i suppose that is part of his message in this little parable- that sometimes violence is necessary. Building bombs and sending them to people is out there though.....

As a mostly Luddite type myself though- the info available thru the web has lured me onto the computer- I can emphathize with Teds convictions- not with blowing people up however. i have often thought about the bittersweet truth that perhaps the best way for him to have gotten his message out there would have been via the internet- thru his disliked computer technology. Ironic nut perhaps true.

I do agree however, that this is an apt parable of our society- Nero fiddling while Rome burns and all of that....

-- farmer (hillsidefarm@drbs.net), August 24, 1999.

Wasn't it Lincoln who said "...united we stand; divided we fall..."?

Well, the liberal "gimme's" are working furiously to divide the country into small enough factions that paralysis will be the ultimate result.

Fascinating....

-- Dennis (djolson@pressenter.com), August 24, 1999.

LINK

-- Pyre O. Maniac (blow@stuffup.com), August 24, 1999.

Ted understood about Y2K. If asked he would have said it was just one of the may straws that would break the camel's back. The really scary part for me: I read his manifesto (a couple of times!) and agreed with all of it except the part where we should take violent action to "bring the system down". I figure big parts of it are going to fall down soon anyway, Y2K or not....

One other interesting thing. I can't find a live link to the manifesto anywhere on the net. I find old links in the search engines that lead to 404 errors. Surely it's still around somewhere gathering cyberdust?

Berry

-- Berry Picker (BerryPicking@yahoo.com), August 25, 1999.

That's a great essay Ted, you smelly old hermit. I hope you've got the 'net in jail. P.s. you shouldn't blow people up, but your manifesto was pretty good too. Everyone whinges about small-bad things, but ignores the more important big-bad things.

-- number six (Iam_not_a_number@ .), August 25, 1999.

The link address to the manifesto is... www.df.lth.se/~micke/wholemanifesto.html Try as we may.. we just gotta keep dancing... I'm the Joelman... I'm the Joelman

-- Joelman (I'maJoelman@motown.com), August 25, 1999.

Ship of fools is a murder mystery book about a ship full of people who went north to film a movie. It was written before 1950 I believe. I think there was something about some hidden gold.

-- Cherri (sams@brigadoon.com), August 25, 1999.

Open your presents.

No, you open yours up first.

Kaczynski Christmas.

-- some haiku (for@you.here), August 25, 1999.

Pithy.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), August 25, 1999.