Go for it, but keep it clean, so we don't get deleted!

-- freddie (freddie@thefreeloader.com), August 07, 1999

Answers

The Winners

Greetings Folks!

Here are the results of the Digital Deflections and Diversions Contest.

The following winners will be contacted and sent their prizes:

A copy of Countdown Y2K, by myself and Richard Bergeon published by Wiley A bottle of Millennium Bug Spray, by Y2K Solutions Date Wizard - a date calculator, by Data Dimensions The Midnight Millenium CD by Mr. Millenium, supplied by YEAR2000.COM The Year 2000 Challenge: Can We Fix it in Time?, Video by Peter de Jager

And... a surprise prize... a copy of 'The Bug Stops Here!!!' a collection of Y2K cartoons by Peter de Jager to be published in March.

I hope you enjoyed this diversion... now back to work!

First Prize Winner Submitted by: Ralph Lante Prize money of $2,500 to be donated to: Adelaide Children's Hospital Children's Burn Unit; South Australia, Australia

St Peter was at the Pearly gates processing some new arrivals after the Year 2000 meltdown. "So why should I let you in?" St Peter asked the first man.

"I was the CEO of a large company. My efforts in raising Year 2000 awareness, fighting for budget approval and becoming personally involved in our compliance project almost saved the company from certain collapse. My dedication to the cause is documented in the many reports that_."

"Ok, ok that's enough, You can go in." St Peter said.

A second man approached. "And why should you enter the Pearly gates?"

"I was a Year 2000 consultant. I dedicated the last year of my life working long hours to solve computer problems. My only motivation was a desire to see us through these difficult times, to stamp out this diabolical problem and to make sure we all_."

"That will do!" St Peter called, "Make you way through the gate please."

"Now why should I let you in?" St Peter said to the next person.

"I am a lawyer. I hovered over the scrapes {sic} of society that were left after year 2000 and then swooped down like a bloodsucking vulture to pick the bones of any defenseless survivors that managed to survive the apocalypse. My only desire was to accumulate as much cash as possible."

"Hmmm", Peter thought about this for a while, "Ok you can go in."

An angel watching all this from above flew over to St Peter. "Hey what did you let him in for?" he asked.

St Peter looked up. "We need to let a few of the honest ones get through too you know."

Second Prize Winner Submitted by: Chas Snyder Prize money of $1,000 to be donated to: Lifeline Women's Shelter; San Francisco, CA

if you own a clock that counts down, you might be a remediator. if you think 'aging data for future regression tests' makes sense, you might be a remediator. if you think Viagra is a software tool for fixing non-performing code, you might be a remediator. if your spouse wants you to consider therapy because you tell everyone you play all day with time machines, you might be a remediator. if you're at a dance and they play YMCA and you go Y2K ('Y' with your arms, '2' show 2 fingers, 'K' both arms out at the side), you might be a remediator. if your mother thinks you are having a sexual identity crisis because you tell her you're always changing dates, you might be a remediator. if you've looked at your family tree and caught yourself making test cases for each branch, you might be a remediator. if you would rather see an investigator from Kenneth Starr's office show up at your desk than a Y2K PMO Manager, you might be a remediator. if you have ever washed your child's mouth out with soap for saying the words 'Y2K Director' at the dinner table, you're certainly a remediator.

Second Prize Winner Submitted by: Patrick Angel Prize money of $1,000 to be donated to: KERA/Channel 13 (PBS); Dallas, Texas

3 Monkeys

One day this guy was walking down the street at lunch when he saw a Pet Store that had a big SALE sign in their window. Intrigued, he went inside to check it out. They had the usual - birds, dogs, cats, fish, etc. But the one that caught his eye was these 3 monkeys in their cages showcased in the middle of the floor. He went up to the counter and asked about them.

"What's the deal with the monkeys?" he inquired. The owner came up and said "Ahh, you've got a good eye. They are each very special - let's start with the first one." The monkey sat quietly, picking at his fur, brushing himself and cleaning up his cage and seemed happy at the attention.

"This monkey is very talented - he can handle your office duties. He knows word processing, spreadsheets, can bang out presentations in no time and is very organized - filing is amazing."

"Wow, I had no idea" replies the customer, "How much is it?"

"This one is $300"

"What about the others?" the customer asked. They moved onto the 2nd monkey which seemed just a little quirky - he'd move from side to side and was a little fidgety with lots of candy bar wrappers at the bottom of the cage.

"They all have special talents, let me show you the next one. This monkey here is amazingly proficient in computers and programming. He can build databases, design web pages in JAVA, and HTML. He knows all about networks and can bring your whole office up to the 21st century in technology."

"Jesus, that's amazing ! How much is THIS monkey?" asked the customer. "This one is a pretty good deal at $1,000"

Having his attention piqued, the customer wanted to know more.

"Okay, what about the last monkey. How much is this one worth ?"

The third monkey looked back at them and turned away disinterested.

"Ahhh... this is the most expensive monkey here. This monkey is $5,000"

"Sheesh" replied the customer "I bet this one can do everything huh ?!"

"Well actually" said the owner "this monkey is always doing something and looks busy but he never really produces anything - he's a Y2K Consultant Monkey"

Third Prize Winner Submitted by: Juan Gaspar Prize money of $500 to be donated to: CARITAS ESPAQOLAS; Madrid, Spain

I don't know what Y2K effect is, but I'll change my hardware, my software and my underwear, just in case

Happy New Year!

Third Prize Winner Submitted by: Martin Rene Prize money of $500 to be donated to: "Les enfants de l'espoir" (children of hope); Montrial, Quibec, Canada

1-800-SUE-4Y2K

Welcome to The Day After Inc. Please select one of the following:

To file a lawsuit pertaining to Y2K; press 1, For litigations related to Y2K; press 2, To obtain legal counseling on Y2K; press 3, For sueing back a Y2K lawsuit; press 4, For Y2K claims and warranties; press 5, To retrace a Y2K contractor; press 6, To know the status of your Y2K lawsuit, press 7, To obtain our brochure "A date with money"; press 8,

< 7 pressed> dial tone.

Third Prize Winner Submitted by: Leonard Cifelli Prize money of $500 to be donated to: The Santa Clarita Valley Food Pantry; Newhall, CA

What is the difference between a Y2K planner and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

That's it folks. I hope you found these amusing. We received over 600 entries. From time to time, we will post some of the remaining entries for your enjoyment.

Thanks for your support. Yours truly, Peter de Jager January 7th 1999

To the Year 2000 Information Center

My better half found this on Jaeger's site. I don't much worry about what Jaeger says anymore, as everything he has said for a while that I HAVE heard about has been seemed a cross between what a DWGI and a gov't disinformation specialist would say. Still, this is pretty funny, isn't it?

www.y2ksafeminnesota.com (recently updated, with new graphics, etc.)

-- MinnesotaSmith (y2ksafeminnesota@hotmail.com), August 07, 1999.

I still think this is the funniest thing and its true. When Chubby hubby was discussing a generator with a city friend (DeeCee) hubby told friend he would have to store fuel for it. Friend said, 'no, he was going to buy one that you just plug in". And that also depicts the rest of his knowledge of the real world.

Taz... still shaking her head.

-- Taz (Tassie@aol.com), August 07, 1999.

HA HA!! FOOLED YOU!! Y2K is nothing but a huge practical joke on the common man! It's a conspiracy of old Cobol grayheads to get their old jobs back and escape with big consulting bucks and the last laugh!! HA HA! Funny!

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), August 07, 1999.

two men where walking along in pensylvania in the woods when they come upon an old mine shaft.Being quite bored,they start throwing rocks down to see how deep the shaft is.Warming to the task,they pick up and throw in a railroad tie and wait for the splash.Suddenly,a dog runs up and jumps into the mineshaft,plumeting to a certian death.The two men are standing,amazed when a third man comes up and askes if they'd seen his dog.They reply that yes,but it just jumped to his death down the mineshaft.My dog couldn't do that,the man replied,I left him tied to a railroad tie.

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), August 07, 1999.

A penny saved is...a congressional oversight.

-- flora's teen (***@__._), August 07, 1999.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history. :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), August 07, 1999.

Flint.

Runner-up... Double-Decker.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), August 07, 1999.

The punch line alone is clean but the joke.......

"If she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for you. Get home this instant!!"

Chuck

Who doesn't mind the punch line alone method now and then....

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), August 08, 1999.

(For those of you planning to bug out to the frozen north)

This tall, lanky gent walked into a bar in Alaska. Told the barkeep, "I was born in Texas, but now I want to be an Alaskan, - can that be done?"

The barkeep gave a sidelong glance over to the table of "regulars", and said "Well sure podner (they talk like that in Alaska), all you gotta do is pass a three part test. First, you gotta chug-a-lug two bottles of rotgut whisky, then go to the edge of town and wrestle a polar bear, and finally, come back here and make love to an Eskimo woman".

The Texan didn't even blink. "I'll DO it"

So, he drank down one bottle of whisky, shook his head, swayed a little, and grabbed the other bottle. He finished it off without comming up for air, and even though he went down on one knee, he managed to stagger to the door, and fall out into the street. The bar crowd got a good laugh, and went back to playing cards, sure that they had seen the last of the Texan.

However, after about a half-hour, the Texan again burst through the bar doors. He was scratched and bit, and bleeding from just about everywhere. His clothes were tatters and he only wore one boot. But he managed to get to the bar, where he grabbed the barkeep by the shirt, and hoarsly craoked, "AWRIGHT, now where's that Eskimo I'm s'posed ta rassle?"

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), August 09, 1999.

(with apologies to INXS fans)

On the discovery of Micheal Hutchens' apparent suicide, it was duly noted that he was well hung.

* * * *

Q: Why did the surrealist cross the road? A: The fish.

* * * *

I know this poor old agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic. He stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

* * * *

Q: What did James T. Kirk leave behind in the Enterprise washroom? A: The Captain's log.

* * * *

I'm Popeye the Sailuh Man / I live in a gaahbage can / I eat up the wuims(sic) / An' spit out the germs / I'm Popeye the Sailuh Man (toot toot!)

* * * *

A man walks into a bar. The man behind him ducks.

* * * *

Riddle me this batman. What has teeth but doesn't bite? A: A comb.

* * * *

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, but please don't ask me how they got there.

* * * *

Q: How can you tell the difference between the bride and groom at an East German wedding? A: Easy. The bride is the one with her armpits braided.

-- coprolith (coprolith@rockethship.com), August 09, 1999.

This cartoon was in a newletter distributed at CA Week recently in New Orleans: A frazzled-looking Y2k remediator is met at the door by his frazzled-looking wife. She: We've got a Y2K problem! He : A Y2K problem? She: Yeah. Your 2 kids!

-- CD (cmd0903@aol.com), August 09, 1999.