Did you know that cats obey the Laws of Physics? This partly explains their behaviour.

The First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created or destroyed & will therefore use as little as possible.

Law of Inertia-A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,unless acted upon by some action such as the opening of cat food or a scurrying mouse.

Law of Magnetism.All black sweaters,trousers & skirts attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Motion.A cat will move in a staight line,unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Refrigerator Observation.If a cat watches a fridge long enough,someone will come along & take out something good to eat.

Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can only be stored by napping.

-- All together now ! (griffen@globalnet.co.uk), July 26, 1999

Answers

We don't need no stinking cats...

growlin'...

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), July 26, 1999.

Sorry Dog, but... Cats rule, dogs drool (yeah!!)

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), July 26, 1999.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with Y2K - but I couldn't resist...

How to give a cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

-- Tee (teefleur@yahoo.com), July 26, 1999.

Cats give dogs something to do, without which they would be bored, with nothing to do. And dead, from the disease rodents gave to the dogs masters. It's a small world - the smaller, the deadlier!

-- A. Hambley (a.hambley@usa.net), July 26, 1999.

When you call a dog, it comes.

When you call a cat, it says "take a message" and it gets back to you, on its time.

Night train

-- jes' a cat besotted footballer (nighttr@ain.lane), July 26, 1999.

I loved all of this! I should stay off this thread, am in enough trouble already, but what the hey.

When you're frazzled and broke and worried and overwhelmed and broke from PREPPING, take time to stop and pet the kitty. It's very calming and good for you.

"Purr and the world purrs with you; Hiss and you hiss alone."

-- Scat (sgcatique@webtv.net), July 26, 1999.

A friend of ours sent this along the other day -

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

-- Mac (sneak@lurk.hid), July 27, 1999.

Sorry, Tee. I read the thread, went off and found the e-mail "Instruction...", and posted it without re-reading.

-- Mac (sneak@lurk.hid), July 27, 1999.

Our 112lb dog jumped on me this morning.I'm having second thoughts about a cat !Great Replies.

-- a squashed (griffen@globalnet.co.uk), July 27, 1999.

Utter nonsense.

Everyone knows that cats are actually an alien species that teleported into Terran bodies in an effort to take over the earth. Once they found out their choice of bodies was so poor they got sullen and standoffish and have remained that way ever since.

This theory neatly explains most strange cat behavior.

-- Art Welling (artw@lancnews.infi.net), July 27, 1999.

More cat laws:

* Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

* Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

* Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

* Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

* Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

* Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

* Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

* Law of Cat Invisibility - Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

* Law of Concentration of Mass - A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

* Law of Cat Obedience - As yet undiscovered.

-- Brooks the cat (brooksbie@hotmail.com), July 27, 1999.

Ack! I got laughing so loud that I woke the cat! The scornful expression on his face had me in litteral stitches. ROFL. I have tears! Thank you! Thank you!

ps. Speaking of litter...

Catlovian Response #1: A cat's need to respond to the call of nature is immediately stimulated by the sound of fresh litter being poured into the litter box.

Catlovian Response #2: A cat's affection for any human is immediately stimulated by the sound of the electric can opener, providing that human is operating said can opener.

-- Arewyn (isitthatlate@lready.com), July 27, 1999.

garfield rules!!!!!!!!!

-- lou (lnf2@webtv.net), July 27, 1999.

ROFL!!

Brooks - re: the law of obedience; a cat will obey whomever it chooses whenever it chooses if and only if it doesn't look like obedience.

-- Tricia the Canuck (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), July 27, 1999.

Tricia, the most discriminating of my two will appear to go along, until such time as she has decided that the activity will not result in her ears being rubbed, playing with her favorite toys, or eating some delicacy. After that, all bets or cooperation are off.

BTW, under no circumstances does one "buy" a cat. You are the property of the cat; the cat chooses you.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), July 27, 1999.

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat." - Lazarus Long

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one whosuffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."  Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes.

-- yerfdog (yerfdog@qwestinternet.net), July 27, 1999.

MEOW!

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), July 27, 1999.