OT 1999 Darwin Awards Candidates are lining up

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Already, the first candidates for the 1999 Darwin Awards are circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon the remains of individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further ado, the first candidates for 1999: GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that the had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week. LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective seats. DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM, LORD,LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered (well, you would, wouldn't you?). The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry. CATCH! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized. THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. GIMME A LIGHT! Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers. Runner-Up: Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally" (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

-- ExCop (Yinadral@juno.com), June 16, 1999

Answers

Just wait until next year! Unfortunately, we may never hear the stories of most of those who perish due to their own stupidity; however, it's obvious that many on the "Y2K debunking board" will be in that category.

-- Steve Heller (stheller@koyote.com), June 16, 1999.

y2k pro sounds suspiciously like the crazy glue guy.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), June 16, 1999.

I wouldn't want to encourage doomerism in any way, but I've sometimes thought it would be interesting if an award were presented, some time next year, to the Y2K doomer who made the most extreme preparations (and therefore made the biggest ass of himself over this Y2K business). We could call it the Gary North award. Or the Paul Milne award. Or something.

Any nominations?

-- Richard Dymond (rdymond@healey-baker.com), June 16, 1999.


What would you rather be, Mr. Dymond, a live ass or a dead duck?

Are you really more concerned about what other people think of you than survival?

If so, you're not alone. 80% of the population would rather risk being up the creek without a paddle next winter than having their friends and neighbors think they're "weird" today.

-- rick blaine (y2kazoo@hotmail.com), June 16, 1999.


Who better than Cretin Andy to win a major award? Although I supect Andy, like North and Milne will be changing their names next year to avoid embarrassment.

"On January 1, 1999 they will experience many more, and it will be much more difficult to sweep them under the rug. On April 1, 1999 we will all watch anxiously as the governments of Japan and Canada, as well as the state of New York, begin their 1999-2000 fiscal year; at that moment, the speculation about Y2K will end, and we will have tangible evidence of whether governmental computer systems work or not."-- Ed Yourdon

"So, of course I want to see y2k bring down the system, all over the world. I have hoped for this all of my adult life." -- Gary North

-- Y2K Pro (2@641.com), June 16, 1999.



I'll be delighted to accept the award if it means that millions of people were spared needless suffering or death because Y2K was a "bump." Put my name down on the list.

Hope your mocking doesn't lead to your own harm, should Y2K turn out to be something you didn't bargain for.

-- BigDog (BigDog@duffer.com), June 16, 1999.


Amen to that, Big Dog.

-- rick blaine (y2kazoo@hotmail.com), June 16, 1999.

Oooooooh I think I've got to y2k pro, aka peedog.

Mission accomplished (again).

heh heh heh

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), June 16, 1999.


Rick,

You wrote:

If so, you're not alone. 80% of the population would rather risk being up the creek without a paddle next winter than having their friends and neighbors think they're "weird" today.

You said a mouthful. That is soooooooooo true.

-- Minnie Pearl (minnie@pearl.net), June 16, 1999.


I've spent a great deal of money on preparations the last 18 months. I have an 18 year old daughter (my only child) who begins college in about two months. I would give anything in the world to ensure that Y2K is a BITR for her sake and the bright promise she holds. I feel that what I have done has ensured that, if things go very badly, I will have at least protected her in the worst of scenarios. I'll gladly submit myself for your award, Richard.

-- Vic (Rdrunner@internetwork.net), June 16, 1999.


This "Darwin" post (hilarious! Thx ex-cop!) really got to y2kPro, didn't it? All that spew about Ed and Gary s/he keeps in storage for when there's nothing anywhere near the topic to say.

Hit too close to home, Pro?

(BTW, I wonder if getting paid to shill on y2k forums -- "remediate" the public's perceptions, that is -- qualifies one as a "y2k pro"?)

-- jor-el (jor-el@krypton.uni), June 17, 1999.


We seem to be ignoring the obvious here. How about an award for the polly who dies the earliest and worst death due to NO preparation whatsoever.

Name for the award? BITR is to esoteric. How about NO PROBLEMO!

On second thought it's a exact fit for the Darwin Awards. Maybe we just need a special catagory. We could name the catagory: "With dozens of people telling this idiot to do SOMETHING all he (or she) did was stand and argue about how it was really going to be NOTHING"

-Greybear, who ocassionally gets carried away with titles.

-- Got water?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), June 18, 1999.


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